How To Show Your Son Respect and Why It WORKS!

A common occurrence began this morning in my home. I could hear my oldest two children bickering back and forth. Whenever I go to break up the argument and tell them to be kind to each other, here are the typical responses I get:

Younger Sister (in whiny voice): 

• "He's being mean to me!"

• "He said I'm being wimpy!"

• "He called me a brat (or something worse)."

Older Brother (in irritated voice):

• "She's being such a wimp!"

• "She's so whiny!"

• "You always favor her and yell at me!"

• "You don't hear how she really is when you and Dad aren't around."

But for some reason a different approach came over me this morning. I've been reading Mother & Sons, the respect effect, by Emerson Eggerichs. This book has made me more conscientious of the way I speak to my son, using terms of respect and honor. Terms that speak to his masculine heart. 

So I pulled his aside and said this instead:

"Buddy, God made girls to be very responsive and men to be leaders. It is this way with me and Daddy as well. Your sister will respond to your leadership. Even if she is being bratty, you take the lead as the man. Be thoughtful and kind and put her needs above your own, and I promise you that she will catch on to that. And she will bend over backward to be 10x as nice to you. That's how girls are made. God made us to be responsive to your leadership."

And something amazing happened. He nodded his head and said, "Okay, Mom."

Not the usual arguing or frustration that 'Mom just does NOT understand.'

And that's the kind of respect talk I am learning from this book. And it's sparking life and responsiveness in my son in a way I have never seen before.

...

Now here I am several weeks later and feeling a tug on my heart to finish this article. BECAUSE, this morning as I am doing my quiet time with God, my son behind me brushing his teeth and getting ready for soccer camp, I decided to open up another respect-talk conversation. I spun around in my chair, took him by the hands and said:

"First of all, I want you to know I'm proud of you. I'm proud of your consistency in waking up early and getting yourself prepared for camp all of these mornings so far. And I'm also very proud about your performance at camp. I can see that you're getting more muscular and fit!

Also, I know now that you are a teenager and with the oldest group at camp, that you are around kids who are swearing and probably doing all kinds of bad things to try to be cool. But I want you to know that I believe in you and the young man that God is creating you to be. A young man of honor."

He looked to the side and nodded and understood. And a second later right before he walked out the door, he spun around and told me some goofy story from camp with a big smile on his face. He was energized. And then he said a quick, "thank you" as he walked away. "Thank you"? From my 14-year old? Unsolicited? These words as a knee-jerk reaction (rather than having to think about his manners or what he should say), well, so so rare. And NOT a coincidence. 

I believe my words spoke to his masculine heart. They sparked something, and he responded. 

And for me, I am learning that this is something I must cultivate and learn, because it does not come naturally to me. 

The loving part? Well, yes of course! Loving my family is my native tongue! But the respect talk? God is continuing to teach me. 

And if you have a heart to see your son grow into an honorable young man, and would like to open up better communication between the two of you- I would highly recommend focusing on this approach!

Based on Vicki Courtney’s book “5 Conversations You Must Have with Your Son”.

A one-page sheet highlighting the main bullet points.

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SAHM Summer Focus: Healthier Bodies, Healthier Minds, Healthier Habits

Summer is here!! I have been DREAMING about these lazy early summer weeks with my kids, before camps, vacations, or anything else begins. I love late June for precisely that reason. It is slow going.  Trips to the library, the local beach, and plenty of time for the kids to laze around the house and play pretend with each other. With a very busy spring schedule, we have been in desperate need of this time together.

For the past several weeks I have been thinking up ideas and trying to plan out some goals for our summer. But after some nice quiet reflection this morning, I have decided to keep everything very simple. Rather than come up with individual goals for each child (I have 4), I've decided to keep the focus the same for all of us: Healthier bodies, healthier minds and healthier habits. Here is my game plan:

HEALTHIER BODIES

With our busy spring schedule and end of the school year sprint, our eating habits have taken a hit. I've relied on Lara Bars, chips and fruit a little too much, and I've said "sure" to too many sweets at all of these spring time gatherings. It's definitely time for a re-boot. My kids are all in need of more savory and nutritionally dense foods, and less empty carb, snacky foods. So here is my plan:

• More veggies (we all need this!)

• Morning smoothies at least 2-3 times per week (frozen berries, banana, kale, raw egg yolk, a little cultured yogurt, splash of raw milk, small splash of fresh organic juice, and maybe a very small piece of frozen beef liver- shhhhh don't tell me kids!) Surprisingly this smoothie is pretty good, as the fruit flavor and creaminess of the banana and yogurt dominate!

• Morning bone broth and/or miso soup 2-3 times per week. If you don't know all of the great benefits of bone broth or miso soup yet, look them up!

• Grass-fed beef sticks! This is the best way to get my two-year-old and my fourteen-year-old (my two pickiest eaters) to eat more good quality meat. This brand is amazing!

• Raw cheese to snack on. This is one that all of my kids love!

So that is the plan. Simply to take out some of the empty, sugary/carb snack, and add in the more savory, nutritious food.

HEALTHIER MINDS

I've already informed my kids that we will be putting away electronic devices for the next month. They can watch World Cup soccer matches and the occasional movie or show when Mom says so. If you haven't experienced the attitude benefit of taking away screen time for at least a week, I highly recommend trying it. It's astounding. We are two days in and I have already seen a big attitude shift with my older two. Another great benefit is that it makes kids hungrier for entertainment in the forms of creative play and reading. Also, it is a great time to introduce an educational show series that they can really get into (and they will because they're desperate, lol!) For the past couple of summers my kids have gotten into Where in The World Is Carmen Sandiego, and I am currently on the hunt for something similar in entertainment and educational value (If you have any suggestions, I would love to hear from you!) Here are a few other ways that I will be focusing on building healthier minds for my children this summer:

• Morning prayer time together. We desperately need Jesus in this house. It's so simple but I love gathering up my babies in the morning hours on our living room floor to pray together. We ask God to cover our home, help us love him whole-heartily, and love and be kind to each other. Amen! Sometimes I will follow up with a short scripture and talk quickly about the meaning. Very simple, easy, and on-the-fly!

• The library! I love a good weekly trip to the library where we can all pick up books that we are interested in reading. Our library has a great online feature, which makes it possibly to get our hands on basically any book we want through library share! (Or book on CD!) And we can put books on hold in advance a few days before going. Two summers ago we all got into Roald Dahl books on CD, and probably listened to about 6 of them that summer together in the car. I've also taken out some of the latest Christian books on CD for my alone time in the car. I encourage you to check out your local library, instead of buying books on Amazon. You can save a ton!

• I always make joint or separate learning bins for the kids. So at any given time I can say: "Spend some time doing something from your learning bin!" Past and present learning bins have included these items:

  • Mad libs

  • Fun books

  • Pattern Play

  • Snap Circuits

  • This book with various roles of colored duct tape.

  • An old telephone, clock, or toaster with screwdriver to disassemble

  • Whatever eles you can imagine!

Side-note: This summer I am very excited to read this book with my 14-year old son! It is originally offered as a class in classical education, but because he won't be able to take this as a class in school, we are going to read this book together in bits and pieces! (I just reserved it at the library:-)

HEALTHIER HABITS

This is a big one that we are all in need of, including myself! And this is the only thing  my kids actually know we are focusing on (the first two will just be integrated in without them really knowing). Rising up out of bed with good attitudes, kindness, cheerful obedience and good work ethic. It is a tall order, but I am really praying that we experience growth in this area as a family. I myself am in need of more self-discipline in the morning. More resilience and self-control when it comes to moving forward in healthy habits, and not letting my emotions or moods get the better of me. I really want to train my kids to operate more this way, but I find it hard when I am not "there" myself. We have figured out that hard work in the morning is good for my oldest son and helps set a better tone for the day. I am really praying for his heart and mind this summer, as he is 14, and I think by God's grace, did not get the job he applied to this summer. He already has a small lawn-mowing business, but for now, he gets to spend most of the day home with me. This will probably be the last summer in which this is the case, and I'm really asking God to do a lot of work in adjusting the areas of his heart that are selfish, wayward, prideful or resistant to cheerful obedience. Would you pray for him? And for me, that I would know how to mother him well? Where to let go and where to lean in? How to respond, and how to love? Oh, and this reminds me! My sister sent me a fabulous book for Mom & Son relationships. It's pure gold if you are struggling at all to parent your son of any age!

I hope these goals help you to shape and dream up your own summer goals for you and your family. Cheers to love, health and lazy summer days!

Feminism: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

I know that a lot of us don't even want to read anything these days that rubs against what we already believe. We've lost the emotional energy. So I want to be straightforward about this: I am a moderate, thirty-something woman. Politically, I don't really open my mouth lately because I don't want to get my head bitten off. We are in a climate of extreme polarization, and I like to like things about people and political parties, and dislike other things. I bet a lot of you are the same. And it is a no-man's land for kind-hearted people who want to have real discussion. But here we are all trying to survive this climate the best we can. And hold true to what matters to us most. Hello, fellow sojourner! Can we have a discussion about feminism here today? About the good, the bad and the ugly? Where we are as a culture and where I hope we will go? Let's dive in, my kind-hearted friend. And let's start with all things good here.

THE GOOD

• We feel heard. As women right now our voice has been given a platform. We are being heard. And not just heard, but listened to. Thank you. And I don't mean that lightly. Thank you to those who are sincerely leaning in and listening to the different and collective voices that are speaking about sexism, and our unique experiences being women.

• We are United. As women we are probably more united than we have ever been as a gender. In large ways- reading books like Half The Sky, that touch our hearts and mobilize women of power and privilege to reach their arms out through humanitarian efforts to those who are not so privileged. Yes, yes, yes. We are hearing each other and reaching out for each other in dark places and in ways that have not been done before. Yes, my dear sisters. And in small ways too, as we post blogs and speak kind words to encourage one another to pursue our dreams, to build strong bodies, to take care of ourselves. We are loving and lifting each other up in ways that have not been done before. And it is wonderful.

• Opportunities are wide open. It almost feels as if a door is being held wide open for us as a gender- and we just have to run through it. Of course, creating longterm success for anybody (any gender, any race) is a challenge. But somehow it all feels very doable right now. It feels like we really CAN create our dream life if we are willing to work hard for it. And work we will.

THE BAD

• The Force. No, not the Star Wars force. I'm talking about people and groups forcing their version of feminism forward. Putting the cause above the human being. Voices screaming above other voices, and making certain women uncomfortable with who they've decided to be and how they've chosen to live. Feminism should not be one-size-fits-all. That is counterproductive. I am a very strong woman- an introverted, deep thinker who feels confident in my choices. But the fact that I am a stay-at-home mom (and a Christian one at that), immediately puts me in a category, in some peoples' eyes, that is anti-feminist. How sad. I am very much in favor of equality and women's rights. But what are those rights if they are not on our own terms? Does the fact that I am a stay-at-home mom who choses to support my husband in his career and nurture my family in this season of life, take away from my strength, value or equality as a woman? I hope you would say no. It is my choice after all. But I do sense that my choices are off-putting to certain people in my life. The underlying "force" of feminism should seek to broaden the ground on which we occupy. Not push or pressure women off of the ground they desire to occupy. I wish that the larger feminist movement could find room to not only champion women for finding success in roles that are traditionally male- but also women who are strong in tenderness, compassion, meekness and caregiving. To encourage women to be truer versions of themselves, not just one particular brand of "strong".

• Reverse Sexism. Just today as I was driving through a small college town in VT, I saw a baby onsie in a boutique window that read: "The Future Is Female." I've seen this slogan before, and every time it causes a small twinge in my stomach. I have three sons and I sure hope they have a great future in this country as well. Permission to be themselves as well. And I believe they will, that is not what the "twinge" is about. It is just that if equality, not domination, is the goal, why are we willing to accept superiority from one side and not the other? There is a commercial I saw recently where a woman was throwing all of her boyfriend's belongings out onto the sidewalk, where he stood helplessly watching them smash and break against the concrete. It was clearly a rough breakup. But the commercial ended on a satisfied tone, with the female sitting down to watch TV, clearly feeling free, empowered and in control. Lovely. Except that you don't break peoples' stuff. And I couldn't help but wonder what the response to this commercial would be had the roles been reversed. Can you picture this commercial glorifying the strength of a male throwing all of his girlfriend's belongings onto the ground as she stood helplessly by? Such a commercial would never make it to the air, because the idea is just too appalling. We are in a culture that abhors male domination, but is giving the green light to female domination (maybe just in the name of good fun). But it's counter-productive to equality. And the interesting irony is that baby onesies and commercials like these, if they are not seriously implying female superiority, are meant only to be "cutesy", actually implying feminine weakness. And it's a step backward in my opinion, from where we should be heading.

• A Forced Narrative. This point might get a little "heady" for a light read on a random blog- but it fuses together and really drives home the first two points. We all have our own opinions and thoughts. In this great country we get to express those opinions and thoughts because we have freedom of speech. Everyone is not so lucky. You can say what you feel to your best friend or your whole social network. But what starts happening when people are verbally bullied for having different thoughts or opinions? A cultural narrative starts forming that dare not be challenged. It's happened in times past, and is happening right here and right now. I realize that I'm walking on a thin tight rope over murky water where political views and anger lurk like crocodiles. And I'm certainly not someone who likes to get bit. But come on people! We have all become too weak-minded, and willing to just follow, when it comes to issues that have become "political". So in that same, tired spirit- here is a quote that I just love from a show that I really enjoyed called The West Wing. This was back in the 90's when there was more intellectual discussion and less bandwagoning. (Or at least that snarky, quick-witted, 90's gold!) When asked how she could possibly appose the ERA (Equal Rights Amendment), Ainsley Hayes replies:

"Because it's humiliating. A new amendment we vote on declaring that I am equal under the law to a man, I am mortified to discover there's reason to believe I wasn't before. I am a citizen of this country, I am not a special subset in need of your protection. I do not have to have my rights handed down to me by a bunch of old, white, men. The same Article 14 that protects you, protects me, and I went to law school just to make sure."

Thank you and yes!! Sometimes the forced narrative of feminism feels humiliating to me as a woman. I don't need to be told that I'm strong or equal to men, or have the same opportunities, because I am, and I do, and I've never believed otherwise. I know that many women cannot say the same, but the point of this point, is this: be aware of the narratives that some groups are trying to force onto you. The whole point of feminism is suppose to be for the woman- us. But for many groups it has become an agenda.  

THE UGLY

• Body Slamming. Some things are just downright ugly. Things people say or put together behind their screens and put out into the world anonymously, can just be treacherous. I saw a picture of Michelle Obama walking with two slender, fancily- dressed foreign dignitaries, and the caption read: "It's like two ferraris and a dump truck." I don't care who you are or what you think about Michelle Obama, this crude depiction should not have made it past the second or third poster. And the fact that it did is sad. And these mean-spirited posts exist all over the internet, often aimed at political figures, poking fun at their looks or bodies. We should be better than this low level of character. Body slamming is just plain ugly.

• Name Calling. Don't get me started here. It seems like nothing is easier these days than name calling. Rather than hearing someone out on why they believe what they believe, it is easier to just stuff people into categories. Liberal, conservative, hippie, democrat, republican- and alllll of the fun adjectives we like to throw in for good fun. We are tearing up and eating each other alive. And we're all hurting. The ugliest thing on all sides of the feminist movement is when good care and character go out the window in the name of passion. When anger and rashness are unleashed, while reason and kindness are pushed to the back. We can all be guilty of this- but if you find yourself swearing in front of young ears, throwing harsh words around carelessly, or saying things out of anger to friends and family- it's time to step back and gain some perspective, because your efforts have likely become counter-productive.

• Abortion. I can't skip this. It's an area that is so controversial and central to the issue of feminism. And I believe that it needs to be brought back into conversations, and spoken about with reason. Women's bodies cary babies- it is part of how we're made. Pregnancy and birth are rights of passage for mother and baby. I wish as a culture we would have more of a compassionate heart toward these babies, as much as we claim to for their mothers. We all started out this way: small and in our mother's womb. We were each nurtured tenderly by a woman and that is why we're here and able to discuss these things. This is an essential part of life. Mahatma Gandhi said, "The true measure of any society is how it treats it's most vulnerable members." This should make us check our pulse for why we really care about feminism. Do we really care about people? Or do we care about being known ourselves for being passionate about issues, that make us look like we care about people?

I want to end this article by expressing gratefulness for all of the women who stood up in generations past, and spoke up loudly about gender inequality. I am so grateful to be born into a time of freedom like never before, in this great nation. In a very real way I feel like the world is at my fingertips and there is an ember of excitement and hope that burns inside of me for my own future. As I write those words I am not naive to the fact that many are not so fortunate. How can I help them? What are my unique gifts, talents and passions? And where can they fuse together with my desire to help others? Of course, I have all kinds of ideas! And what a blessing and honor to get to pursue those dreams. I will, like many of you will, move forward with gratefulness and  awareness. With eyes and ears open to see and hear the voices around me- with all of their own uniques passions and desires.

When You Want More

Have you caught it? The discontentment bug that is going around? It is especially infectious for women, mothers, wives.

It starts with a tug on your heart to do some things to better yourself, your life. It pulls you along on an internet search, finding resources and books – honing your mind in on exactly what you need. For me, this week, it started with the scoping out some happiness/goal setting/tracking journals. I've also been thinking about travel. Then, this evening I announced to my husband that I want us to find a babysitter. Someone we could rely on to come watch the littles, so we can do more with the bigs. Do more projects. Be more. Aspire to more. More, more, more. Discontentment. 

Don't I have enough?

Don't you have enough?

Do we even do a good job with what we've been entrusted? My beautiful life right now would look like waking up early and spending time with Jesus. Loving well and speaking to my kids with kindness. Noticing them more. Being present mentally more. And with all that pulls me away from those simple things, do I really want MORE? NO! So why am I so easily strung along to believe that this isn't enough? That I need skinnier, cleaner, more awake, more productive- more?

Where does this bug lead when left untreated?

Look around and you will see. Don't look at Instagram snap shots or the 5-star book reviews. Look into women's eyes, and hearts and homes. The warmth is pulled and stretched thin into striving. And I am grateful that tonight, God brought it to my heart, and let me catch it right here. Let my man lay hands on me and pray for my heart and this spirit of discontentment. Jesus, ground me in you- please. Let me find my way to fullness and completeness in you. 

And then, from that place of wholeness, from that place of overflow (not from the lack)- may you lead me forward as you see fit.

Ohh, humility

I wanted to have something to write about. Something revolutionary for women. I wanted to stand on a stage and be cute and fun, and have every woman in the audience want to be like me- and then I would blow their minds and lead them to Jesus.

I was heading on about 5 years of seriously struggling with various aspects of my life- fear, happiness, emotional stability. Have you ever been at a point in your life where nothing is monumentally wrong- the kids are healthy, praise God- but just the everyday flux of life, and the relationships that you just want to be awesome in the worst way, they are just not working because there's not peace and stability of the mind? Have you been there? The place where something is just off?

I can't find happiness that sticks. I puddle jump to more moments of discontentment, with bouts of praise and gratefulness and real rest in Jesus in between (thank God). But I keep finding myself... back...here.

Then at some point I realize that all in all something beautiful has formed in the ground of all of this failing, dead soil. A little flower called humility has begun to spring up, and brighten, and deepen in color as my struggle continues.

I find that I understand many of the women I have judged. The women I use to want to grab by the shoulders and tell them to get their life together. The women I thought that my cute outfits and perky preaching from the stage could reach and change.

I understand the depression and depths, because I have swam and struggled down there too. And I've tried to kick myself to the surface only to find my foot stuck in the mud. I've been there and wrestled in the darkness of it all too. 

I've had four children and walked into stores with one of them barefoot in the cart because the shoes were left at home. And one has boogers and messy hair, and the other one screams, and I haven't washed my own hair in three days, and I am PRAYING I don't see anyone I know. And this is just life, and I never wanted to be that mom. And I've felt my face flush when I see someone from high school and in my early 30's tell them that we've moved back in with my Dad.

And a thousand other little deaths and surrenders. Oh, you can fight and push and demand your way. Or you can do the surrendering to God. (The over and over surrender on certain things). And watch God till and work that surrendered soil into a rich and fertile little garden bed. And a beautiful, colorful, diverse little garden called humility will grow.

And you better believe that he is still growing mine.

Galatians 6:9  

A Letter To My Future Daughter-in-law

Please have patience with my son. I know that you see him as a strong man, and he loves showing off for you. This precious little boy was once my everything. My days were consumed with care for him. I watched him run around and play, and I kissed his boo-boos when he was hurt. I trained him to pick up his toys, share, be kind, use the potty and eat his vegetables (the best I could, anyway). There were days when I wanted to ship him off for someone else to deal with, and other days when my heart felt so much love for him I thought it would pop. I watched his little face asleep, and dreamed of who God made him to be. As he got older, I had to give him a little more freedom, let him make some mistakes and fight for him moor on my knees. I wanted him to love God more than anything and make the right decisions in light of that. I still want that- but he is human and a sinner just like we all are.

I'm writing this letter to you because I want you to know a few things:

1. First off, I realize that you have your own unique story. You were a girl once and loved dearly and tenderly by some special people. And I'm sure you have been hurt as well. Living on this planet seems to do that, and I'm so sorry for whatever unfair, harsh treatment you have suffered at the hands of careless or mean people. I hope to be someone in your life who will love you, affirm you, and help add to your healing and wholeness.

2. I see you as just as valuable a person as my son- and my prayer is to view and love you both as one. God's design is that you ARE one.

3. I will be FOR your marriage. I learned in my own premarital counseling that when there is a problem in your marriage, it is best to seek counsel from godly, trustworthy friends OUTSIDE of your extended family. And for many reasons, I believe that is the best way. But I want you to know that we are here for THE BOTH OF YOU. And when hardships arise, we will do our best to offer sound, Christ-centered advice that is FOR your marriage. God is FOR your marriage and so are we. And we will also do our best to adhere to the boundaries your family puts in place.

4. Put up boundaries. The  beginning of your marriage is a fragile and precious time of getting to know one another, and growing in Christ's love together as one. Keep your heart and ears open and aimed at Jesus. Limit distractions and people who pull you toward what is not good for your heart and marriage, Be patient, loving but firm in your convictions. I will respect your boundaries.

I pray we can grow in patience and love toward one another- and that those same traits will spread throughout our family as it grows. We love you sweet lady, and I'm SO happy you are the one God chose for our son.

All my love always,

Mom 

Woman, are you free?

There is true freedom in Christ. It seems strange or backward, but it is real. You would expect that trying to live up to the high standards of Christ would bring so much restriction and repression, and that it would look unappealing to those looking from the outside, and perhaps it does sometimes. But when I am in the presence of friends who have set their own ideals and standards, I can't help but see the "stuckness" and "constipation" that seems to come on even stronger with the prideful hardening that comes with age. Things must be the way they think they are because there is SO much, a whole life, vested in these ideals.

It is so funny and ironic to me that most thinking non-christians would look and see what I'm saying as relating to US- but somehow the reality is the opposite. 

I am free to accommodate and relate to all people of various positions. I feel no need to press that I am right. I mostly listen and be kind because I can be. I am kind. I am happy. Most people are not. I know that truth does not ride on other people believing "my truth." I'm free. I'm free to listen and laugh and bend and be weird with those who are weird, and serious with those who are serious, and strong with those who are strong. I'm not intimidated or grossed out by those who are grossly different than me. 

Sometimes I look at my very culturally-connected female friends who are so vested in being strong, independent women... And I wonder if they feel free to wear pink, or to cry over something fickle, or truly let their hair down with the man in their life- being fully woman and letting him be fully man. Not thinking about how it ought to be, or that they must adjust to a culture telling us that these differences are more and more obsolete. 

Can we laugh at our weakness- or marvel at certain strengths of someone with opposing views, without our whole identity feeling threatened? 

Are we really free?

I have found self-imposed identities to be the most frail. The most vehemently guarded. But there is strength in Christ. There is freedom in Christ. I feel that I can be whatever he calls me to be and I know it will fit perfectly with who I am designed to be, and he will equip me to do it well. I can have success at being whatever, even if it is outside of what certain people think I ought, or ought not be doing. The oughts are gone. I am truly free.

No Room for BS

I listen to a mom next to me at gymnastics, as she goes on and on about herself; her kids, her family endeavors, all of the activities her children are involved in, which of her children had acid reflux, which cousins had birthday parties this past month. I'm not even part of the conversation and I know more about this woman in 5 minutes than I know about some of my relatives. Every time one of the other two women in the conversation chimed in with something to share, this woman brought it back around to herself. Truth? I caught onto to this about her the first week of gymnastics when she began a conversation with me. It took all of 30 seconds to realize that her interest was only a listening ear to vent and boast to, and preferably an admiring and sympathetic one. Nope. Not me. Something about having two kids under three right now has pushed me into a zone where I don't have much patience for BS. My time and energy are spread very thin right now, and I refuse to give more away to things that are unimportant or frivolous (even if other people think they are the most important things on earth.)

This is getting me in trouble with some people in my life right now. With many people I have always been the nice, accommodating one. The one who will meet you on your turf, come at least 70% of the way, sometimes even closer to 90. I listen, I sympathize, I figure out how you do things and try to make it easy on you. I'm slipping away from this and I fear I have some people thinking I don't like them anymore. It's not that. I simply don't have time/energy/desire anymore to do and be who I think you want me to be. And I pray that I'm wrong. I pray that you want me to be me. 

The Altar

It happened today. One of those Sundays where you are going about your business, your day, your Sunday routine- sitting in the church pew listening and nodding- not expecting anything for me. Then it started to hit me. The tears welled up hot in my eyes and somehow I knew what was coming next, Was. For. Me. Not only me- but like listen up, girl, I am about to speak to you right from my word. I was laser-focused in as my pastor read the words of Psalm 73, and they washed over me and made sense of my feelings, and my mess.

As humans, we don't have the capacity or the mental ability to order and make sense of all of our feelings and latest struggles. And as moms, sometimes our brains just feel like mush at the end of the day. But lately I've had a very specific struggle with Instagram,  something I've never used, and something that has been making me feel A LOT of mixed feelings. I'm not going to go into the details, but I have a feeling I don't have to because you probably feel a lot of the same feelings too: jealousy, envy, righteous indignation and personal indignation. And then the question of "why" is always next in line. Why am I feeling this? Why is she posting like this? Why can't I....

Oh, but this day. This beautiful, beautiful, cold and snowy Sunday when God reminded me, in a heart way, not in a head way that I can explain; He reminded me of just... it all. And it felt peaceful and right there on my knees, crying it out in this small, imperfect church. Thank you, Jesus.

I don't usually want to go at first. Every altar experience I've ever had, my first inclination is, "oh please, not now." These boogers, these tears, this makeup smearing, this walk, the looking and watching, the unknown, the "will I have to try to explain this to someone?"

But oh, I had to go today. I knew I was being lead and pulled. God still loves me and still wants me to start over after all of this slighting I've done to him.

I have to confess it right here that I've wanted so much for myself that is worldly, and popular, and successful and smart. I wanted to be that woman. And I took my gift, again, the one that he's blessed me and opened a door for- and I put it up on the altar of my life where only he should be. I pretended that I was just a little busy and would turn back around and look at him as soon as I had time. Telling him, "I'll be right back", as I secretly bow down to my idol. 

That was probably what was basically happening in my spirit- although I do KNOW him to be true and right and God and Lord, and all things good. And isn't it funny that it's not in the knowing? We can know that He's God and serve a dozen idols or one precious sin that we can't square up with God eye-to-eye on. So we look down or away and pretend not to notice because, WE JUST DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT RIGHT NOW.

But meanwhile we are dying, a slow suffocation, not having the father's spirit breathe life into us. Not allowing him to do the CPR. Why in the world?

And today, he spoke those Psalm 73 words to me so crystal clearly and made sure they went in. Air. And he's still making sure that I know that it's HIM who is saving me, and not myself. 

Thank you, Jesus, for bringing me to the altar today. Thank you for newness and a fresh start. For cleaning out the clutter and garbage of my spirit, and setting my gaze back upon one, simple, remarkable truth. You.

PSALM 73

"Oh come to the altar, the father's arms are open wide. Forgiveness was bought with, the precious blood of Jesus Christ."

Mom of Boys

Oh my heart today. As I sat in that little wooden half-dome in the play room, and watch T walking around with his "tool", trying to "fix things" for me.

Oh my heart is splattered. This responsibility of being a mom to this boy- all the boys; my heart throbs and I don't want to mess it up. I don't want to go into a numb funk and forget this important focus:

The heart of my boys, my husband included, loves to serve me!

They want to see me smile big and proud and say things like, "Great job!!" and "Thank you SO much!!" and "Wow, you are so strong and so good at that."

I know because as I say those things my two-year-old runs quickly to the next thing to "fix it" as fast as he can. And he says, "I fix for you, Mom." My. Heart.

I know because my oldest son tells me for almost the first five minutes of every car-ride home from school about all of his amazing feats in gym class and recess. How many 3-point shots he made and how he made the winning play for the team. He wants me to know all of his victories and triumphs so I can say: "Wow, great job, buddy." And I know I need to work on it more with this one. How do I encourage his heart in the right ways? Toward good. God, I need your help here and I don't want to forget. 

Yesterday was Valentine's Day and my husband has been telling me for 3 days straight that I can go spend $100 at the store, and buy myself a new purse. Everyday he reminds me (as if I would forget:)- and I was almost tempted to get annoyed at him for trying to use the same thing to rack up invisible points (they always want the points, you know). He kept saying the same kind of thing:

"I want you to have a nice bag that you really like. Something nice. Something you will love."

"I got it!!" I wanted to say.

Oh, shame on me. This is a boy, grown into a man with that same heart that just wants to please me. He takes pleasure in serving me and watching my reaction. Oh God, please give me the right reactions and responses! Help me to be good to these precious, precious hearts that you've called me to love and serve. Open my eyes to SEE their intentions and desires. Help me to not be too distracted, but to notice when and what I need to notice. And please, help me to be KIND.

Galatians 5:22-23