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When You’re NOT Crushing It
I want to be the happy, excited, well-balanced Mom who is cute and composed. Gray hairs freshly covered, manicured hands, glowing make-up, cute outfit, clean car, on time- all of it. I want to be crushing Mom life.
This morning I ate pistachio ice cream for breakfast. A new low of sorts. For 9 months I ate healthy and clean with an occasional splurge. I dropped baby weight like it was my job. My skin looked clear and my eyes bright. Then _________ threw me off. We can each fill in that blank differently- and I know just what it was for me.
I don't want to write this post. I don't want to be in a failing place. Being successful, and looking like it has
I want to be the happy, excited, well-balanced Mom who is cute and composed.
Gray hairs freshly covered, manicured hands, glowing make-up, cute outfit, clean car, on time- all of it. I want to be crushing Mom life.
This morning I ate pistachio ice cream for breakfast.
A new low of sorts.
For 9 months I ate healthy and clean with an occasional splurge. I dropped baby weight like it was my job. My skin looked clear and my eyes bright.
Then _________ threw me off.
We can each fill in that blank differently- and I know just what it was for me.
I don't want to write this post. I don't want to be in a failing place.
Being successful, and looking like it has somewhat of a hold on me. And after all, nobody needs to know I ate ice cream for breakfast.
So why did I tell you?
To let you know that you're not alone.
You're not alone in KNOWING all the right things to do- but still sabotaging it somehow.
You are not alone in wanting to be the Mom who is crushing it- and maybe feeling like you are that Mom at times, but somehow finding yourself back here at other times. You are not alone in swallowing your anger or hurt when some other Mom is talking about her successes, and you feel so far away from yours.
I don't want to flop and fail my way through life.
I'm not one of those women who gets her kicks from being able to be completely honest about all of her failures, and connect with other women in the same boat. Crying and patting eachother on the back and making the same mistakes over and over and over, with no progress. That is not my club.
In fact, to be honest, sometimes people's lack of change and growth downright annoys me. I want to be like, "Get it together, woman!" And I have judged and thought I know better.
But I know in these moments that the hurt and emptiness and difficulty of life can run SO deep.
And sometimes this role as Mom feels like it's dragging you outside by the hair and kicking you over and over while you cry for mercy.
And I know we are all battling.
We are battling to know what requires an emotional shift, a spiritual shift, or a physical shift.
Even that little skinny thing in your Instagram feed, showing off her ab muscles, she struggles inside of herself. Probably not with eating ice cream for breakfast, but I promise you that she too, at times feels the darkness of a self that she doesn't want to be anymore.
So what do we do?
We don't have the time to map it all out and think it all through.
And we don't always have the restraint to hold back from taking it out on our husbands because we are not really sure how much of this is his fault.
So where do we go with all of this?
All of the lack, and hurt and with everything in our life that we want to upgrade?
We go to the only place we can go. The best place. The place wide open for our mistakes.
The feet of Jesus.
Don't be annoyed with this answer. DO IT!
Talk to him about everything, today, right now. THAT is your answer. And it's mine too- and you better believe I'm heading there right now!
A Few Free Resources you might love!♥
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Inner Child Healing for The Christian Woman
The Inner Child is another name for the embodiment of concealed emotions and damage done to you by negative childhood experiences.
This usually involves the relationship dynamic (or lack thereof) with your parents.
We have all had bad experiences in our childhood, some more than others, and there are a lot of ways that these relational experiences affect us and manifest in our adult life.
The Inner Child is another name for the embodiment of concealed emotions and damage done to you by negative childhood experiences.
This usually involves the relationship dynamic (or lack thereof) with your parents.
If you are a Christian woman looking to identify and heal your inner child issues, but want to steer of going down an ungodly “rabbit-trail”, you are in the right place, my dear!
The first step to inner child healing is to identify what happened to you.
If you are new to this process and have not yet taken steps to bring these issues to the surface in a safe, Christian context, I’ve created a free e-course called Healing Your Heart When Your Family of Origin Was Broken By Divorce, to help you through this process.
No two stories are exactly the same, but I can assure you of this:
Growing up without solid primary examples to model a healthy marriage, relationships, priorities and life balance, leaves us each to come away with our own mixed-bag of quirky, self-sabotaging tendencies.
And although we have grown up and moved on from our past, these issues will usually show up in our most important and close relationships, with the people we are called to love and nurture.
More than anywhere else, they show up in our own marriage.
my own inner-child Marriage issues
Now again, we are all different here, each with our own unique stories and heartaches.
Because of what I went through as a preteen and teenager, I was manifesting behaviors consistent with childhood emotional neglect and parentification (If you are not familiar with parentification, check out this article: Sign You Were a Parentified Daughter, And How it Can Show Up in Your Marriage).
Here is how those issues were showing up in my marriage:
Always apologizing
Find it hard to ask spouse for help or a favor- trying to always just do it myself
Getting angry when I can’t just do it myself
Forgo altercation or confrontation for the sake of keeping harmony
Low body esteem- not wanting husband to see me naked
Picking out my flaws- driving him crazy with self-criticism
When there is an altercation, I would always fixate on what I could have done differently- forgetful that he is a fault-prone human as well
Not feeling secure in my marriage, but like it is based on my performance
Didn’t feel I had value unless I was giving to others
Sounds pretty pathetic now that I’m reading it over. It sound like someone with very low self-esteem. But that is who I was.
Figuratively speaking, there was a little girl on the inside who stopped being guided, valued and nurtured and therefore did not reach some important social and emotional milestones in her youth.
And when we have this kind of brokenness, it’s almost as if the little girl stays on the inside always trying to get her needs met, scared that she might be found out.
Inner childhood issues and shame usually go hand-in-hand.
Conventional Inner-Child Work
Mainstream Inner Child Healing deals a lot with comforting, soothing, acting on behalf of, and even re-parenting your hurt inner child. The idea is you give her what she needed then, to help her get unstuck and move forward .
Almost as if you are taking her by the hand and walking her into adulthood.
I believe there are times when it’s appropriate to do things for yourself that other people never did, and that healthy and reasonable self-care should remain a priority for all women.
But I also believe that one of the biggest deceptions aimed at women right now is self-focus to the detriment of the godly priorities we are called to as women.
The Titus 2 priorities of our home, our husband and our children.
As Christian women, I believe we should not follow a me first model, but rather a me too one!
A Better Approach
I believe in a Christ-centered approach to life, and therefore healing as well.
None of us will ever understand fully what we went through and what our needs are today, but God is so good in that he does not require us to take “all the correct steps” in order to heal and thrive.
He simply tells us to seek him first, and he will add all the rest (Matthew 6:33).
That scripture is my story.
And as I have tried to deal with these certain dysfunctional aspects of my past- I have tried to do so in a way that does not put the problem or the healing at the center of my universe, but STILL HIM.
I have done a lot of work over the past year on “healing my inner child” and have even seen a therapist for some of this work.
When I’m processing new information I’ve read or learned, it’s always looked at in light of my faith in Jesus and his word. Nothing trumps my belief in HIM and his healing power.
And trust me when I tell you there was A LOT of eat-the-meat-spit-out-the-bones happening as I processed these issues from my past.
I was not able to find a whole lot of resources specifically for Christian women when it came to inner-child healing, which is why I created this resource below as a starting point for other women.
I hope you find it helpful in your own journey!
And more than that, I hope you know how deeply loved and treasured you are, and I wish you the best in your healing journey!♥
Healing Your ♥ When Your Family of Origin was Broken by Divorce
A FREE 7-DAY E-MAIL COURSE TO HELP YOU:
Identify deeply-rooted issues from your broken past
Find peace and trust as you allow God to surface these issues
Continually walk toward a full healing
Flourish in your marriage and home
Step out of old, ingrained thought-patterns and into the woman you were created to be!
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The Bright Side of Staying Home: 3 Ways The Quarantine Has Been A Blessing
As we are all in this hunkered-down state, I can’t help but feel a certain sense of peace about how all of this is happening.
As believers in Christ, we are already attuned to the fact that God is in control no matter what. Not that fear or disappointment never creeps in for us, but the “peace that passes understanding” is real, and at times like this we can see that distinct mark.
I was talking to a friend the other day and we both echoed back what the other was feeling: This has brought about a lot of GOOD things. It has helped us to re-focus on things that REALLY MATTER.
Again, I am not blind to the tragedy. But I want to point out a few of the REALLY GOOD things taking place because of the restrictions this virus has enforced:
DISCLAIMER:
I am not in any way trying to downplay the tragedies occurring due to this virus. The purpose of this article is to bring light to some of the good things happening because we are forced to stay at home. If you think this material will offend you, please don’t proceed.
As we are all in this hunkered-down state, I can’t help but feel a certain sense of peace about how all of this is happening.
As believers in Christ, we are already attuned to the fact that God is in control no matter what. Not that fear or disappointment never creeps in for us, but the “peace that passes understanding” is real, and at times like this we can see that distinct mark.
I was talking to a friend the other day and we both echoed back what the other was feeling: This has brought about a lot of GOOD things. It has helped us to re-focus on things that REALLY MATTER.
Again, I am not blind to the tragedy. But I want to point out a few of the REALLY GOOD things taking place because of the restrictions this virus has enforced:
1. It has made us realize the state that our family is REALLY in.
When you are all stuck together under one roof for this many days, there is really no hiding what the issues are.
The lack of harmony amongst siblings is suddenly obvious.
The little annoyances are “annoying-er”.
The angry temper on that child is sticking out like a soar thumb.
Issues in our own hearts and marriages that were easy to distract ourselves from are suddenly brought front and center.
Many people are realizing they can’t stand their own family! It’s sad.
Rather than schools, jobs and activities holding everything in place, Mom and Dad must now create a schedule for the family that is healthy and balanced- when really, this is probably something we should have been doing all along.
Personally, I have realized A LOT during this time about what I want on my family’s schedule, and what I don’t. For some reason, this time has just made that more clear.
It has also made me want to be better, and more in-tune as a mom.
Our families (spouse and children) should come second only to God- yet many of us have lost touch with connecting and stewarding the most important responsibilities and relationships He has given us.
We have become too busy and our minds have been on other things.
My prayer is that this time would be a wake-up call.
That instead of finding other distractions (like alcohol, social media or entertainment) to get us through- that we would fully let all of this sink in. That through realization, repentance and realignment - we would begin fresh, with a new vision for stewarding our family and our time.
We’ve needed this!
And I pray that we would be courages enough to make the changes we feel God leading us to make.
2. It is forcing us to take a real rest.
For several years now I’ve been something of a minimalist.
My family has made it a practice to say “no” to most opportunities and invitations that come our way, so we can do a good job at the few things that matter and maintain a schedule that allows for regular restful time at home. (We have 4 kids, so I use the word restful loosely.)
But EVEN STILL, this new level of “nothingness” happening right now, has made me realize how much we have TRULY needed THIS kind of rest.
I feel we have all needed a real rest and God is giving it to us.
Did you know that before the Israelites entered the promise land, they were told that every 7 years, they were not to plant any crops so even the land had a chance to rest and replenish itself? And all debts incurred by the poor were to be forgiven on the seventh year as well?
We live in such a fast-pace, get-ahead time, that these kinds of socioeconomic practices are unthinkable!!
We don’t even honor the Sabbath Day, let alone a Sabbath Year!
And as believers we need to WAKE UP to the fact that rest and Sabbath are no longer a given. They are something we must purpose and make space for. (Even youth sports have crept over into Sundays.)
God has blessed us right now with this cushion of rest, and I pray that this time would not only help us REMEMBER how to be together- but also how to REST together!!
And that we would LOVE it and crave after it so much that we would reinstate the idea of a weekly Sabbath, as well as longer periods of REAL rest.
3. It is encouraging us to re-think our children’s education.
One of my children had just recently begun having a really tough time with school. There was tension with a couple of his peers among other things, and being that his class is very small and generally tight-nit, he was definitely feeling it.
At 16-years-old, for the first time ever, I watched him begin to loathe going to school. I could also see how these changes began effecting his health. He is normally a very upbeat and happy kid, who suddenly became tired, overwhelmed and stressed much of the time.
I had been praying for about two weeks for God’s hand to be on my family and my son, to get through the end of school. Three months felt like forever in an environment that suddenly felt toxic for him.
I can’t even describe the relief he has experienced and the weight I have watched come off of his shoulders, now getting to do school from home.
I have been talking to some other moms who are tuning into their children’s education for the very first time.
It can be scary to see the gaps and short-comings because we know we are ultimately responsible for their education and we don’t want to let them down. Tuning in is a GREAT thing.
When our children are at school all day it is easy to assume that things are going generally well, and that they are learning everything they need to know. But that is often not the case.
Teachers are human beings too, and just like within any other profession, there are some who are EXCEPTIONAL at what they do, but many who are just skating by. Add on top of this unbalanced policies, and dysfunctional behaviors of other students, and it is no wonder so many children come home stressed, anxious or just completely drained after school.
Many schools and teachers are WONDERFUL, for sure! But this has definitely become more the exception than the rule.
I have found myself praying many times over the last several weeks for the hearts of mothers and fathers to tune in to their children. I’ve also prayed for some parents to realize that homeschooling really is possible and to desire it.
Over the last several months God has shifted mine and my husband’s heart tremendously in this area, and we are now planning to homeschool our children next year.
I know this is not feasible for everyone- but I hope that the involvement and stepping into the role of primary-educator will stick for parents, regardless of what their children do for schooling next year.
I hope your family is finding peace, joy, provision and togetherness in this time!
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Signs You Were a Parentified Daughter, And How it Can Show Up in Your Marriage
Parentification happens when a child takes on the role of caretaker in place of the parent.
They may be responsible for the care of themselves, their siblings and/or a parent.
Instead of being loved, nurtured and cared for, the child must sacrifice their own needs to meet the needs of others. This often happens without the child even realizing it, as it just becomes the everyday norm.
Parentification happens when a child takes on the role of caretaker in place of the parent.
They may be responsible for the care of themselves, their siblings and/or a parent.
Instead of being loved, nurtured and cared for, the child must sacrifice their own needs to meet the needs of others. This often happens without the child even realizing it, as it just becomes the everyday norm.
As an adult, the following symptoms can emerge:
You spend a great deal of your time caring for others
Low self-esteem
Background sense of shame
Always in the role of emotional caretaker
Seldom get your own needs met
Are always alert about acting in ways that please others
Conform to other peoples’ wishes and desires
Feel unreasonably responsible for other peoples’ feelings, care and welfare
You are self-deprecating
You are quick to maintain harmony and sooth other peoples’ feelings
Don’t feel you have value unless you are giving to others
Does this sound like you?
If so, here are some common ways that these symptoms can spill over into your marriage:
Always apologizing
Find it hard to ask your spouse for help or a favor- you try to just do it yourself
Forgo altercation or confrontation for the sake of keeping harmony
Low body esteem- not wanting your spouse to see you naked
Picking out your flaws- driving your spouse crazy with self-criticism
When there is an altercation, you often feel it was your fault and fixate on what you could have done differently
Forgetful that your spouse is a fault-prone human as well
Not feeling secure in your marriage, but like it is based on your performance
Don’t feel you have value unless you are giving to others
Why do we turn out this way?
You would almost be tempted to think that a child with a lot of responsibility would grow up to be mature and highly competent (and we are in many ways). But it comes at a great price. Because we did not have adequate nurturing and guidance, there are many important social and emotional milestones that were never reached.
Furthermore, we get so used to “playing” adult, that we grow up with a hidden sense of shame. Like the little girl hiding inside of us just might be discovered. (For more on the inner-child, check out this article: How Your Broken Family-of-Origin is Affecting Your Marriage, And How to Begin Healing)
How this can make us feel toward our spouse
As I began to uncover the traces of this hidden baggage I had been unknowingly carrying around through my adult life, my first feelings toward my husband were anger and suspicion. Had he been taking advantage of my caregiving, people-pleasing nature all of these years? Was I being duped?
I thought, “If I am really like this and he is not, then surely the scale has been tipped in his favor this whole time.”
The enemy is ALWAYS after our thought-process toward our husband, isn’t he?
My husband is not a perfect man, but he is my partner in life and the father of my four children. I know his intentions toward me are not malicious or fowl, despite what I might feel sometimes. Furthermore, I can get so fixated on my own perceptions that I forget that I have already given my life fully over to a heavenly father who loves and promises to look out for me. My well-being is in HIS hands and I trust him.
I’m sorry.
If you were a parentified daughter, I just want to say I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that you weren’t given a full and beautiful childhood with two parents who cared deeply for your needs, as parents are supposed to.
I’m sure that every part of your childhood was not bad- but there were definitely some important areas in which you were neglected and hurt. Again, I’m so sorry this happened to you.
If you are looking for a good starting point for opening up and dealing with some issues from your childhood, I just released a free 7-day email course you can check out below.
I hope you will find this helpful in your healing journey!
Healing Your ♥ When Your Family of Origin was Broken by Divorce
A FREE 7-DAY E-MAIL COURSE TO HELP YOU:
Identify deeply-rooted issues from your broken past
Find peace and trust as you allow God to surface these issues
Continually walk toward a full healing
Flourish in your marriage and home
Step out of old, ingrained thought-patterns and into the woman you were created to be!
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3 Healthy Boundaries for Adult Women- To Protect Your Own Sanity and Family
We’ve each grown up with different dynamics within our family of origin- and these relationships can be complicated, to say the least.
Many of us came from broken or dysfunctional homes where nobody modeled healthy relationships and boundaries. Some of us even grew accustomed to accepting extremely unhealthy behavior as normal.
I often hear from women about their parents’ unbearable behaviors. Sometimes these adult daughters did not even realize the issue until well into their adult years.
**I have edited this article after realizing my own personal boundaries have been more to protect me from certain dysfunctional dynamics in my extended family circle- not for my own parents or grandparents, all of whom I am very close with. I hope these words help you feel empowered to put up boundaries with those who do not have your best interest at heart- but to be gracious with those who truly love you.
We’ve each grown up with different dynamics within our family of origin- and these relationships can be complicated, to say the least.
Some of us came from broken or dysfunctional homes and even grew accustomed to accepting extremely unhealthy behavior as normal.
I often hear from women about issues within their own families they didn’t even recognize until well into their adult years:
narcissism
need to dominate
always playing the victim
manipulation, just to name a few
At some point, we all have to come to the realization that our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles are flawed humans just like everyone else. They have hurts from their own upbringing and reasons they behave the way they do, just like us.
I’m not giving anyone a pass for egregious behavior. But the fact of the matter is that we don’t have much power to truly change anyone.
This is why boundaries are not about shaming and blaming- they are about you taking responsibility for yourself.
Boundaries are about setting the climate in your life so you have the freedom to live out the priorities God shows you.
They are essentially your way of saying to other people:
“I realize what your preference for our relationship would be. But it’s not the same as mine. Here is what I am willing to give, receive and tolerate in our relationship. Wherever that overlaps with your preferences for our relationship, great! We can meet there!”
Having healthy relationships with other people has a lot to do with knowing your boundaries and respecting theirs.
Here are three areas I believe it’s very important to know and stick to your boundaries:
Phone/Text Boundaries
It can be a hard thing that we are all available now 24/7 now via our cellphones. Not that we have to answer every phone call or reply to every text message, but often just seeing a certain name come up on our screen is enough to cause significant stress.
Here is what I suggest:
Lower the bar. Don’t rush to get back to people. Text messages don’t need to be responded to right away, nor do phone-calls. I often answer all of my text messages from the day in one shot in the evening or even the next morning. Sometimes I just forget and that’s okay too. Everyone lives and everyone will be fine. Do yourself a favor and lower the bar.
If you don’t wish to engage with someone via text, you don’t have to. Give extremely short, finalizing answers back on your own timetable.
If someone calls you often to unload all of their problems, and it’s beginning to feel like an infringement, have the hard conversation to tell them you don’t have the time any longer. Hard conversations are more than worth the relief they bring of no longer having to deal with obnoxious behavior. Remember not to blame, be polite and make it about you and your preferences. Again, a hard conversation is worth it and also can save you from “snapping” at the person later down the line.
Get-together Boundaries
Most of us have the pressure of expectations when it comes to holidays and get-togethers. Now that you are an adult with your own family, you DO have a say in this too! I know this might come as a shocker, but you don’t have to do Christmas the way that your family has always done it.
I see so many couples rushing around on holidays, trying to keep both sides of the family happy and it can get so ridiculous, to the point where they don’t even get to enjoy the holiday or spend time with their own family. YOU ARE YOUR OWN FAMILY NOW. You and your husband get to decide what YOUR FAMILY would like to do for Christmas now.
If you feel overwhelmed by or pressured into too many get-togethers, this article could be extremely helpful: Permission to Say No to Everything.
Open Door or Not Boundaries
Some people are fine with having anyone stop by at any time. I’m not one of them. I don’t mind if my parents, grandparents, or siblings stop by unannounced, but I once had to have a hard conversation with someone that went like this:
“Hey, could you please call or text before you plan on coming by just to make sure it’s a good time? I’m in a very busy season of life right now and it’s just not always a good time for a visitor.”
This person had been stopping by unannounced about once a month, but it just did not feel right. It didn’t feel like love, it felt like snooping and control.
So I had to have a hard conversation, again, not putting blame on them, but just letting them know what works for me.
It was received well and the conversation served its purpose in drawing up a new boundary that works for me. And it is a relief to not worry about that person not popping by anymore!
Remember, it is about being vocal about your preferences in a way that lets people know what works for you. In most cases, people will be respectful of what you have asked.
I’ve noticed that many women who struggle with boundaries are those of us who grew up in broken families of origin.
If this is you, I would highly recommend my new 7-day e-course below!
Also, if you need more in-depth teaching on this topic, I highly recommend Boundaries: when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life.
I hope you feel better equipped to set up some God-honoring boundaries in your life!
Healing Your ♥ When Your Family of Origin was Broken by Divorce
A FREE 7-DAY E-MAIL COURSE TO HELP YOU:
Identify deeply-rooted issues from your broken past
Find peace and trust as you allow God to surface these issues
Continually walk toward a full healing
Flourish in your marriage and home
Step out of old, ingrained thought-patterns and into the woman you were created to be!
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Why Rachel Hollis' Message is So Hard to Resist, And How to Rise Above
Even though my life is so blessed, and God has been so gracious to me, I am still such a loser sometimes.
Tonight I sat on my couch scrolling through my phone on a Saturday night, ignoring my family. A temporary ease to the dull ache inside of me.
I try to keep it pure and look up only Christian content, but you know how things can spiral.
Christian celebrity Instagram accounts, and then onto the people they have tagged, and people those people have tagged... A lame, lame waste of time, I know. And tonight I somehow eventually wound up on a famous Christian authors’ daughter’s account. Nice.
Even though my life is so blessed, and God has been so gracious to me, I am still such a loser sometimes.
Tonight I sat on my couch scrolling through my phone on a Saturday night, ignoring my family. A temporary ease to the dull ache inside of me.
I try to keep it pure and look up only Christian content, but you know how things can spiral.
Christian celebrity Instagram accounts, and then onto the people they have tagged, and people those people have tagged... A lame, lame waste of time, I know. And tonight I somehow eventually wound up on a famous Christian authors’ daughter’s account. Nice.
In my heart, I know a lot of what I’m seeing is an act.
I know how people advertise and social climb; color coordinate their pages and post pictures from photo-shoots done months in advance as if it were today. It feels like a twisted game, but sometime I can’t stop looking and can’t help the feelings that rise up inside of me.
This young woman, in perfectly stunning poses, talks about how her husband flew with her out to CO several times in the proceeding year so she could “take time to heal.” I picture them sitting on the balcony of some isolated mountain-top resort in bathrobes with cups of coffee talking through all of the hurts she has been through. Sounds nice. Then maybe they would have an extended spa-day and go to see some renowned Christian-therapist and talk about some lifestyle changes and a healing regiment. Go for long walks with no make-up and the perfect-top knot in high- waisted leggings (really, Audry? Because you’re 36 with 4 kids…) And I will still be here, with my mommy-pooch that would certainly not look good in high-waisted leggings, trying to afford a beach weekend, three hours away with my family. Trying to shake the feelings that I am missing out on being noticed, appreciated or having my own time in the Rocky Mountains to “heal”.
And I will try not to go upstairs and compare my own husband who is upset with me because I’ve been flaking out on my phone for the past hour, to this husband who took his wife to CO three times last year to help her “heal”. And these are the kinds of things that we can so often feel as mothers and wives and Christian women trying to make our way in this culture.
And then Rachel Hollis comes along.
And she tells us that we have to stop waiting for other people to notice or take care of us, and we need to start pushing forward, making ourselves a priority and going after our dreams and taking care of ourselves. She hands us an ice-cold glass of water in a dessert, packaged adorably, for the parched soul who has not been drinking the living water that her father has been offering her this whole time. The woman who has been neglecting the pursuit of finding her truest happiness in Christ alone. The woman like me. We who have fallen limp in the hard days of motherhood. And her message feels like a saving grace. And we see it everywhere, in Target and on our friend’s social media page, and in our heart of hearts we know that it’s deception.
I watched the first three minutes of Rachel Hollis’ documentary on Prime and I thought about it for days until I could come back and watch the whole thing, alone. And I listened to her book on 1.5 speed on Blinkist (an app that gives the main points). I have read what other women have had to say, and so by-and-large I have thoroughly absorbed her core message. I’ve even laughed at some of her YouTube video tutorials.
Some of her advice is just shallow and immature, but when we are floundering our way through our own lives, who are we to judge? At least her stuff feels real, colorful, nicely made and relatable. And that is what keeps us coming back.
But some women do more than just come back.
Some eat this advice ravenously because Rachel is offering the message that we have been dying to hear. She has created a bridge for us Christian woman to essentially do the same things we have (half critically, half jealously), watched other women do for years, but have ourselves refrained from. She offers the voice and the permission to go after our dreams, live lavishly, pursue what we want, and maybe even sprinkle a little Jesus on top.
“Discernment is not knowing the difference between right and wrong, it is knowing the difference between right and almost right.” –Charles Spurgeon
These are the three areas I feel Rachel’s advice is most detrimental to women, and I’d also like to offer a godly alternative.
1. Drive forward- go after what you want.
This is a tricky, partial-truth, and one that we really need God’s word to slice through and divide joint and marrow, thoughts and attitudes of the heart. The way I see it is that this advice could be used for those times when we are delaying obedience to God or being downright disobedient to something God has made clear to us. Maybe we should be taking better care of our bodies. There is no time like the present, and no amount of complaining that will get the same results as action. There is a time to act, to move, to push through things that are hard, that we know we ought to be doing.
But on a grander scale, Hollis talks about going after your dreams that you have for your life, making the time and pushing forward. But here is what I see: We don’t always know exactly what we want, or what it looks like to get it. Pushing forward in our own limited strength, with our own skewed sense of direction leaves us vulnerable to our own missteps, and often very quickly exasperated.
I am part of a large women’s writing guild, and I see this all the time: women who have a vision, or a general sense of where they want to get to, but get tangled up in other people’s advice on how to get there. We can wind up following formulas rather than the one true God. Very few women know exactly what they want and how to go about getting it- and the ones who feel they do, are often very much mistaken about what this all will get them. A ticket to happiness this is not.
We need God to guide our steps and keep our priorities in line, period. Nothing else will “work”. Even if it looks like it’s working on Instagram.
2. Being pushy and pushing the important people away.
Pushing for your own way might get people to do what you want, but most will not like you.
In a day when people are screaming and shouting for their voices to be heard, climbing on each other’s backs for position- real affections are growing thin. Demanding your rights, speaking harshly, and being in-your-face, might make people cower down, but it will not fan the flame of affection or respect- especially with your spouse.
You might get everything that you think you want, but in the process, loose the affection and respect of those who are most important to you. Being brash does not get us all that we think it does. It leaves us hollow. There are priorities God calls us to as women, and if you need to brush up on these, read Titus 2. We should not push these people aside. Which leads me to #3…
3. The REAL, BEST things come from God.
Surrendering to Him and following His will was the biggest turning point in my life.
It flooded me with healing, peace and joy beyond what I knew possible. And can I share a secret? Now that I am older, have more possessions, a nicer house and stable income, I am no happier than I was when my soul was flourishing in Christ during harsh circumstances.
God is an equal opportunity employer when it comes to happiness. We hear it all the time and yet our soul still struggles to believe that we wouldn’t be happier if we had these earthly things that our (deceptive) hearts want more than anything.
“I may, I suppose, regard myself, or pass for being, as a relatively successful man. People occasionally stare at me in the streets–that’s fame. I can fairly easily earn enough to qualify for admission to the higher slopes of the Internal Revenue–that’s success. Furnished with money and a little fame even the elderly, if they care to, may partake of trendy diversions– that’s pleasure. It might happen once in a while that something I said or wrote was sufficiently heeded for me to persuade myself that it represented a serious impact on our time–that’s fulfillment. Yet I say to you — and I beg you to believe me–multiply these tiny triumphs by a million, add them all together, and they are nothing–less than nothing, a positive impediment–measured against one draught of that living water Christ offers to the spiritually thirsty, irrespective of who or what they are.”
– Malcolm Muggeridge
Seek God first, sweet friend. He offers you everything you need.
I am there with you getting caught up at times wanting to be the woman in high-waisted jeans with the perfect top-knot, with a crap-load of adoring followers.
But deep down I know it is better to be the truly surrendered woman with the warm smile. The present woman who is available to talk with and pray with the people in my life around me. The real woman who can relate with feeling put-under by a constant parade of perfection on Instagram. Let’s not be the women burning ourselves out on the treadmill of our own self-made plans for perfection. Making an idol of all the wrong things.
I’m going to keep striving after Jesus, even if that means I grow impatient because this article might take me three days to write and publish because I will go upstairs to my husband who I know doesn’t sleep well without me beside him. I will choose to believe God’s priority for me as a wife over a writer. Because I’ve seen His goodness in the land of the living, and the beauty in the sacrificial, the little, the small, the humble.
The spark that comes into our eyes when we do the things that are hard and take work, not to be noticed, but rather because it is what God tells us- and we are putting our stock in eternity with Him. Not here, for ourselves.
When we are so tempted to put ourselves first, get swayed by celebrity Instagrams, or are dying to follow Rachel Hollis’ advice, it should be a sobering reminder that we are in desperate need of the love of our savior.
We need time with him. We need to be on our face praying and resting in his promise.
He has the way to happiness. The way to exalt the humble and humble those who exalt themselves.
Let’s not be the women weighed down by your own sin and thus swayed by all kinds of evil desires. If you are not joyful and content in Jesus, go to Him daily, beg, ask Him, and study His word. There is nothing new that is better than the simplicity of the gospel, and nothing better for you as a woman than adhering to God’s priorities.
Cling to Him, dear one. It is so much better than the deception flashing in front of your eyes.
“Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.”- Galatians 6:8
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How to Stop Gravitating Toward Losers and Be More Selective in Who You Get Close To
First of all, I realize the title of this article is not very nice.
I’m the kind of person who never says words like “loser”. I’m an equal opportunity employer- rich, poor, fat, skinny, annoying- everyone deserves respect and kindness as far as I’m concerned.
My husband, not so much.
He has a quick radar for all things “loserish”. He was raised in a much more socially-conscious environment than I was. He’s a snob, basically.
But what I admire about his shrewdness is that
First of all, I realize the title of this article is not very nice.
I’m the kind of person who never says words like “loser”. I’m an equal opportunity employer- rich, poor, fat, skinny, annoying- everyone deserves respect and kindness as far as I’m concerned.
My husband, not so much.
He has a quick radar for all things “loserish”. He was raised in a much more socially-conscious environment than I was. He’s a snob, basically.
But what I admire about his shrewdness is that he never seems to get entangled in unhealthy or draining relationships because he can spot a toxic or needy person a mile away, and will not throw an ounce of his care or energy in their direction.
He shuts it down quickly.
And I’m over here just trying to make everyone feel comfortable and loved. But deep down I’m like…
But all jokes aside, I know that we balance each other out and there are so many ways that God has used me to soften his edges, and him mine.
For me, learning to put up the right boundaries with people has taken some work- but it has been more than worth-while.
Learning how to NOT be drained by toxic, unhealthy or needy people, allows you the space and breathing room to focus on (and do a good job with) what matters.
Here are four amazing resources, depending on your unique situation:
1. I have a toxic boyfriend.
If you are an unmarried woman who has been on an emotional roller-coaster with the same guy for a while- please check out this 40 day journey to healing and freedom!
2. My family-of-origin was broken by divorce.
If you are now a mom and wife but suspect some of your struggles come from your broken family-of-origin, this is a brand new FREE e-email course I just put out. The content is so rich and specific for those of us who came from broken families, you might find you understand certain things about yourself for the very first time!
3. I’m beyond discouraged and angry with my husband.
Enough said. If that’s you- this is a great resource! Or, if you could really use someone to talk to about these issues, please check out my new Vent & Pray Sessions!
4. I need better, healthier friendships
This was a long time struggle of mine. It’s time to create healthy, give-and-take friendships with people who don’t suck the emotional life out of you. Read this.
5. Really, Instagram just makes me feel like a loser
Haha, I’ve been there, girl! Let’s try to help you find some healthy perspective!
I hope these resources will bless you on your journey to finding more balance and boundaries with people!
Healing Your ♥ When Your Family of Origin was Broken by Divorce
A FREE 7-DAY E-MAIL COURSE TO HELP YOU:
Identify deeply-rooted issues from your broken past
Find peace and trust as you allow God to surface these issues
Continually walk toward a full healing
Flourish in your marriage and home
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Repenting From Instagram Idolatry and Putting God Back in The Spotlight
Instagram makes me want to upgrade my life, now. Nicer house? Yes, please. Skinnier body? Yes, please. Minimalistic, #girlboss with cute clothes? Yes, yes, yes please!
We live in a strange culture and in strange times. The level of self-absorption and superficiality on social media is incredible, and yet we can’t stop looking. We can’t stop taking in this toxic and mesmerizing parade, hoping somehow it will enlighten and motivate us to a better version of ourselves.
We even see Christian leaders flaunting
This article is also posted over at She Leads Daily!
Instagram makes me want to upgrade my life, now. Nicer house? Yes, please. Skinnier body? Yes, please. Minimalistic, #girlboss with cute clothes? Yes, yes, yes please!
We live in a strange culture and in strange times. The level of self-absorption and superficiality on social media is incredible, and yet we can’t stop looking.
We can’t stop taking in this toxic and mesmerizing parade, hoping somehow it will enlighten and motivate us to a better version of ourselves.
We even see Christian leaders flaunting and building themselves up, and it can all be very confusing. Aren’t we called to be different? I can relate to what the psalmist must have been feeling when he wrote:
“They have all fallen away; together they have become corrupt; there is none who does good, not even one.” (Psalm 53:3, English Standard Version)
Oh God, please help us. Can we all just collectively admit for a moment how guilty we are here? How prone to the same DEEP pitfalls we are; envy, vanity, selfishness and idolatry? When it comes to our use of social media, most of us are way beyond needing some peppy, encouraging advice about humility. Most of us are in need of deep repentance. To come to God’s feet in complete honesty, and allow our deepest motives to unfold before Him. We need a genuine healing and perspective-shift. We need a new start.
Can I confess something to you? I only spent two measly weeks on Insta before I called it quits.
I couldn’t hack it. It was weighing me down and I didn’t have a clear grasp on how I wanted to use it. I lacked the strength of purpose that could have helped me rise above the more inconsequential battles I was having: the jealousy of other women, the discouragement of feeling insignificant and behind, and the indignation I felt over the mass-deception taking place in front of my eyes.
I feel silly admitting this to you. Like a little girl throwing a tantrum because she can’t handle reality. But aren’t we all really just little girls on the inside? Fragile, and desperate for love, attention and our own little brand of stardom?
We have a Father who is waiting to give us all that we need and so much more. As we learn to walk closely with Him, our hearts will be full and satisfied beyond what we knew possible. Maybe we will use Instagram or other social media, but if we do, let it be with God’s real love and purpose pulsing through us so we can see from above. Not in arrogance, but in a true humility that desires to serve and love people; not envy others and elevate ourselves.
Thank you God, that you have called us to better things.
Hearing Psalm 73 was a powerful turning point for me, so much so that I rewrote it in my own words. If you need to read and pray these words, my hope is that this would be a starting point to lead you into a deeper and more honest connection with Jesus.
God is good to us who are pure in heart. My feet almost stumbled and slipped because I was envious of those I was seeing on Instagram. I was envious of these people living beautiful-looking lives, with strength and pride in themselves. They are finding real prosperity!
They are not in pain, they are skinny, they seem to have enough money, look healthy and they don't look downcast or in trouble like the people I know in real life. Therefore they are happy in their skin and with their lives and they flaunt it for everyone to see. They sit above us and laugh and clink champagne glasses with their friends, and we all start looking to THEM (not God) for who we want to be like. They don't really believe that God knows best or that he's even listening to and seeing all they are doing. And this is what wicked people get? Great wealth and an easy life? What!? Am I am idiot for having tried to stay pure all these years? For trying to live a Christian life and not flaunt my own wealth or successes? What have I been doing? What a waste! I should have at least been building some sort of credentials or plan for success. But I am home with my small children everyday, living this dreary life, playing maid to my family. And if I tried to do any differently I feel that I would be betraying the calling you have placed on my life. So why them and not me?
When I tried to figure all of this out, it seemed too confusing. Until I went into prayer and you showed me what eternity will look like for the wicked. Sometimes I forget that nobody really gets away with anything, and you ARE watching this all.
The wicked, deceiving people will have their time, be it here on earth, or when their life is finished. They will come to ruin and be destroyed in a moment. You see what is happening and they will have their run in with you. In the brief time that I was trying to be like them, I was turning away from you also. I was brutish and ignorant, and didn't want to look at you. I was angry at you because I thought for all this time you were trying to make me a loser.
Nevertheless, you gently took my heart and steered it back to you, and now I again am grasping your hand and walking by your side. And YOU will guide me here on Earth, and after I am finished here I will be with you there. What do I really have other than you? Everything on this earth is empty without you, and when my heart stops beating, you will still be with me. I am yours and you are mine forever.
For behold, those who are far away from you will perish. You will do away with all of this evil. But for me, it is good to be near God. I have made him my safety and will spend myself in this life telling people about his great works.
Do you think some of your issues stem from your broken childhood?
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Build Friendships that Uplift You With These Three Simple Steps
A few weeks ago my friend Crystal and I sat at a little downtown café to sip coffee and grab a delicious farm-to-table lunch. We sat for almost 3 hours. We laughed a lot, cried a little, and caught up on each other’s lives. I had my husband’s blessing to spend the money, take my time and enjoy myself- and I did!
A few weeks ago my friend Crystal and I sat at a little downtown café to sip coffee and grab a delicious farm-to-table lunch. We sat for almost 3 hours. We laughed a lot, cried a little, and caught up on each other’s lives. I had my husband’s blessing to spend the money, take my time and enjoy myself- and I did!
During those three hours of chatting, eating, and sipping coffee, we talked about the important things: our marriages, our kids, our dreams, our recent successes and failures. And we both left feeling understood and uplifted. It was pure friendship bliss!
I met Crystal about 3 years ago, and we have so many commonalities: we’re both in our mid-30’s, and both desire to draw closer to Jesus, and find more order, peace and wholeness. We are both kind-hearted, sensitive and reserved about who we get close to. She is a GREAT friend. We both love to get dressed up and go out with our husbands together for Mexican food- or we can call each other in a crisis.
Friendship really can be the best of both worlds: The fun and the celebratory, and also sharing the deepest, hardest, most sobering moments.
If you are a tactful lady who desires to find this kind of friendship (with one or a few other women), I can really break everything I’ve learned about making friendships wonderful into 3 parts.
1. People don’t need you to be like them- they need you to be like you.
I remember one evening many years back, having a new-years, goal-setting session with my husband. I was feeling lonely at the time because I was not really connecting with any other women in our church. I told my husband:
“I just feel different from them. Like I don’t fit.”
I always felt a strong desire to serve and love Jesus, and even though these were other church women, I didn’t feel like many shared my passion.
“They don’t need you to be like them. They need you to be like you.”
I remember in the moment feeling a sweet, emotional connection with my husband, but also a distinct sense of purpose. Yes, I was not going to let other women’s styles and interests dictate who I would become. I felt strongly called to some kind of spiritual leadership- and if I was ever going to step into those shoes, I needed to be okay standing there alone. I think God really used that season to solidify my convictions, and maybe he is doing the same right now for you.
You have Jesus, you have your family and you have your convictions. Stay true to those three things and many of the more shallow relationships that you have will fall away. And that is a good thing because it will open up some space and breathing room for the right ones.
2. Put up distinct boundaries.
This is so key to good friendships, ESPECIALLY if you are introverted like I am. I will share with you two distinct scenarios that helped me learn this lesson. I have a feeling you will relate…
Back in my early 20’s I would sometimes find myself in situations with a certain friend that were WAY outside of my comfort zone. Driving around with no plans, or stuck at someone’s house, as we ran around all over kingdom come on her agenda. I often didn’t have the backbone to speak up and say: “I’d like to go home now, please.”
This was literally a different lifetime ago for me. But I can remember that icky, out-of-control feeling, and I NEVER want to feel that way again.
Another time in the not-so-distant past, I became close friends with someone who was always having marriage troubles. She and I would talk a lot about these issues. I would listen and then gently counsel her in the things of God, or sometimes just offer to pray with her over whatever the current situation was. This was a godly friendship, in a sense, because we were both believers, but I did not put up clear boundaries for myself, and because of that, I became overwhelmed.
As a self-protective introvert, this friendship began to suck the emotional life out of me. I felt bullied in a way, but I wasn’t being bullied- I had just allowed things to go to such a level where I felt like I couldn’t speak my mind, and I couldn’t say “no” without feeling like I had to make up an excuse. We should be able to say no. But if you are sensitive and accommodating like I am, sometimes you feel you’ve been pushed into a corner before you even realize it happened.
Some people are always in a new crisis and seem to expect you to take on their sense of urgency. Maybe they call you and expect you to spend a long time on the phone, and you feel you are being “dumped on” again. Or maybe there is yet another emergency where they need you to watch their kids, or loan them money or your car, or whatever. And it’s such a struggle! Because we don’t always know whether it’s time for grace and sacrifice, or time to say a hard “no”.
In my current stage of life, I cannot handle “needy” friendships. I am always here to talk, and pray and offer a helping hand because my goodness I know that life can be so stinking hard. But I have to be realistic to the season of life I am in, and with four needy children and a husband, I just don’t have the capacity to be available for someone else 24/7.
I know that we are all different, and for some people being available 24/7 is what friendship is all about. But here is what I am encouraging:
Know what season of life you are in and what you are capable of giving, and build awesome, give-and-take friendships that fit within the realities of your life, your budget, you schedule, your family and your priorities. You will love and enjoy your friendships so much more this way!!
With the right boundaries, friendship really can feel like a cool glass of water.
3. Take the lead in getting real.
If you want to build friendship where you really know each other- be brave and take the lead in speaking honestly, sharing struggles and being yourself. Even if you’re weird. We’re all weird!
I’m very blessed to have a gaggle of women in my life who I have made it a practice to be honest with. I may not have all the time right now to get together with each of them- but there is nothing like being able to pull up to soccer practice, unload my kids and have a couple of girlfriends who I can just get right to it with- cry, laugh, celebrate, vent a little. Sisters-in-Christ are just the best like that! What a blessing!!
Pray for a loving, genuine heart toward your friends. It is high time to rise above any gossip or mean-heartedness in your friendships. We have bigger fish to fry and we need other women to laugh with, cry with and understand all of the things about us that our man cannot!
It’s time to create beautiful friendships!
Healing Your ♥ When Your Family of Origin was Broken by Divorce
A FREE 7-DAY E-MAIL COURSE TO HELP YOU:
Identify deeply-rooted issues from your broken past
Find peace and trust as you allow God to surface these issues
Continually walk toward a full healing
Flourish in your marriage and home
Step out of old, ingrained thought-patterns and into the woman you were created to be!
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For the Weary Heart: A Simple Christmas Story
Today I'm stressed and heavy-hearted, and this morning I drive home with teary eyes and feel like I will give out if anything or anyone requires any more of me. I'm weary and worn and I have been, WE have been pinched tight and stretched thin in all ways possible. And spiritually sometimes it feels like just enough. Just enough release. Just enough of the word. Just enough Holy Spirit to get me through the rest of these chores and the rest of this day. But I don't think this is how I was created to live and this is too much weight. And I want peace that flows like a river, and joy that bubbles over, and calmness and happy-mommyness, but this morning I am failing. And I tell my husband through teary eyes that I. Am. Failing. I'm failing at waking up early and doing the things I want to do, I'm failing at eating how I want to be eating and exercising. I want to be a better mommy. I want to be more attentive to everyone around me, and loving and sweet and
Today I'm stressed and heavy-hearted, and this morning I drive home with teary eyes and feel like I will give out if anything or anyone requires any more of me. I'm weary and worn and I have been, WE have been pinched tight and stretched thin in all ways possible. And spiritually sometimes it feels like just enough. Just enough release. Just enough of the word. Just enough Holy Spirit to get me through the rest of these chores and the rest of this day. But I don't think this is how I was created to live and this is too much weight. And I want peace that flows like a river, and joy that bubbles over, and calmness and happy-mommyness, but this morning I am failing. And I tell my husband through teary eyes that I. Am. Failing. I'm failing at waking up early and doing the things I want to do, I'm failing at eating how I want to be eating and exercising. I want to be a better mommy. I want to be more attentive to everyone around me, and loving and sweet and.... not how I am.
My husband tells me to come here- lay by him. We hold each other, arms wrapped around and breathe and know that we need Jesus. We are best friends, but especially at times like this. We just know. And he just knows right where I'm at. He strokes my hair and tells me to breathe in. I want you to do the same right now- breathe in. Breathe deeply and push everything away. All the thoughts, all the clutter- just push it all away.
And I'm aware in that moment that it's layers and layers deep. After one layer of thought comes another and then another. I'm failing and things suck and life is heavy and there are more layers than I even realize. So I do my best to push it ALL away because what else can I do in that moment but listen. I'm hungry for peace. Are you hungry for peace too?
Then, very quietly, after the breathing, he begins to tell me the story. The story in the simplest of ways, as I have never heard it. Still stroking my hair, still breathing and tear stained. And I want to tell it to you now, how he told it to me:
In the beginning was nothing- just God. And he made the heavens and earth. Everything just quiet and still. And he decided, just because he wanted to, to fill it with greenery and animals and people. He made Adam and Eve and they sinned and turned away from him and wanted to do things their own way. And this brought evil into the world. And now, there is all of these evil, corrupt people just doing what they want. But then, God sent Jesus. Innocent. Perfect. Into this messy, messed-up world, and he died for all of that evil. So that all you have to do is believe in him and you can live in heaven and in peace with him for eternity. And he left behind his Holy Spirit so that he's with you now. And that's what Christmas is about.
I had never heard it told so simply and beautifully, and it never touched me just like that. In the simplest of ways when you need to be reminded that the simple truth is what matters. God is what matters and this beautiful truth of him reaching, stretched, loving arms open for us.
So God please help us to not get caught up in expectations, and trying to find the perfect gifts, and get-togethers where we feel we need to straighten our hair and paint our nails. But more than that, help us to not get caught up in our own pressures, our own thoughts about what we should be doing to make things nicer, or more special, or more simple, or more anything! There are 1,000 articles to read about what you can do to keep Christ at the center of this season, or make your kids less materialistic. But here's what I will do: I will keep praying for God to take my ego, my pride and anger down a few notches. I will continue to pray for the people on my "forgiveness list". I'll just do my best at what I've been given and ask God to help me love more, and spend more time with him.
But mostly, I want to live in the simplicity of story my husband whispered in my ear this morning. Mostly, I want to reach up and hold that perfect hand that is reaching down to me. And just be a daughter this Christmas.
This is a personal writing project meant to express my feelings and thoughts, not to be used in place of God’s word. Anything good and true that I write is only because he has blessed and gifted me to do so, but I am a sinner, saved by grace, and am prone to weakness, bias, harshness and fault. I hope that my words can lead you to seek more of your own personal walk with Christ, because HE is only place you will find real TRUTH and satisfaction.