I want to be the happy, excited, well-balanced Mom who is cute and composed. Gray hairs freshly covered, manicured hands, glowing make-up, cute outfit, clean car, on time- all of it. I want to be crushing Mom life.

This morning I ate pistachio ice cream for breakfast. A new low of sorts. For 9 months I ate healthy and clean with an occasional splurge. I dropped baby weight like it was my job. My skin looked clear and my eyes bright. Then _________ threw me off. We can each fill in that blank differently- and I know just what it was for me.

I don't want to write this post. I don't want to be in a failing place. Being successful, and looking like it has

The Inner Child is another name for the embodiment of concealed emotions and damage done to you by negative childhood experiences.

This usually involves the relationship dynamic (or lack thereof) with your parents.

We have all had bad experiences in our childhood, some more than others, and there are a lot of ways that these relational experiences affect us and manifest in our adult life.

As we are all in this hunkered-down state, I can’t help but feel a certain sense of peace about how all of this is happening.

As believers in Christ, we are already attuned to the fact that God is in control no matter what. Not that fear or disappointment never creeps in for us, but the “peace that passes understanding” is real, and at times like this we can see that distinct mark.

I was talking to a friend the other day and we both echoed back what the other was feeling: This has brought about a lot of GOOD things. It has helped us to re-focus on things that REALLY MATTER.

Again, I am not blind to the tragedy. But I want to point out a few of the REALLY GOOD things taking place because of the restrictions this virus has enforced:

Parentification happens when a child takes on the role of caretaker in place of the parent.

They may be responsible for the care of themselves, their siblings and/or a parent.

Instead of being loved, nurtured and cared for, the child must sacrifice their own needs to meet the needs of others. This often happens without the child even realizing it, as it just becomes the everyday norm.

We’ve each grown up with different dynamics within our family of origin- and these relationships can be complicated, to say the least.

Many of us came from broken or dysfunctional homes where nobody modeled healthy relationships and boundaries. Some of us even grew accustomed to accepting extremely unhealthy behavior as normal.

I often hear from women about their parents’ unbearable behaviors. Sometimes these adult daughters did not even realize the issue until well into their adult years.

Even though my life is so blessed, and God has been so gracious to me, I am still such a loser sometimes.  

Tonight I sat on my couch scrolling through my phone on a Saturday night, ignoring my family. A temporary ease to the dull ache inside of me.

I try to keep it pure and look up only Christian content, but you know how things can spiral.

Christian celebrity Instagram accounts, and then onto the people they have tagged, and people those people have tagged... A lame, lame waste of time, I know. And tonight I somehow eventually wound up on a famous Christian authors’ daughter’s account. Nice.

First of all, I realize the title of this article is not very nice.

I’m the kind of person who never says words like “loser”. I’m an equal opportunity employer- rich, poor, fat, skinny, annoying- everyone deserves respect and kindness as far as I’m concerned.

My husband, not so much.

He has a quick radar for all things “loserish”. He was raised in a much more socially-conscious environment than I was. He’s a snob, basically.

But what I admire about his shrewdness is that

Instagram makes me want to upgrade my life, now. Nicer house? Yes, please. Skinnier body? Yes, please. Minimalistic, #girlboss with cute clothes? Yes, yes, yes please! 

We live in a strange culture and in strange times. The level of self-absorption and superficiality on social media is incredible, and yet we can’t stop looking. We can’t stop taking in this toxic and mesmerizing parade, hoping somehow it will enlighten and motivate us to a better version of ourselves. 

We even see Christian leaders flaunting

A few weeks ago my friend Crystal and I sat at a little downtown café to sip coffee and grab a delicious farm-to-table lunch. We sat for almost 3 hours. We laughed a lot, cried a little, and caught up on each other’s lives. I had my husband’s blessing to spend the money, take my time and enjoy myself- and I did!

Today I'm stressed and heavy-hearted, and this morning I drive home with teary eyes and feel like I will give out if anything or anyone requires any more of me. I'm weary and worn and I have been, WE have been pinched tight and stretched thin in all ways possible. And spiritually sometimes it feels like just enough. Just enough release. Just enough of the word. Just enough Holy Spirit to get me through the rest of these chores and the rest of this day. But I don't think this is how I was created to live and this is too much weight. And I want peace that flows like a river, and joy that bubbles over, and calmness and happy-mommyness, but this morning I am failing. And I tell my husband through teary eyes that I. Am. Failing. I'm failing at waking up early and doing the things I want to do, I'm failing at eating how I want to be eating and exercising. I want to be a better mommy. I want to be more attentive to everyone around me, and loving and sweet and

Ambitious. Goal-setter. Go-getter. These are all words with a very positive connotation in our culture. Our achieving, writing, dreaming, making, entrepreneurial culture. We have our sights set on it; that goal, that dream, that version of ourself that we want to get to. We'll find the right graphics, make the perfect business card and website, make the right connections. 

I look online for a Christian life-coach and I find some. Ones who will listen to my plans and dreams and help me to get there. To what I want- not what God wants.

What does God want from me? We get scared away from this because of what we don't want to give up. Push and pace and cell phones and starvation. And women who were meant to be full, child-bearing, well-nourished beauties- push and starve themselves hollow of anything rich and good and true, to chase an elusive skinny, successful shadow. A picture on their new website, and how many likes? We can surround ourselves with meaningless noise and make it feel so right.

What are you chasing? What are you running

I want to be better than this post. (I want to be better than a lot of my posts:) But here we are, working our way through our adult lives, hopefully strengthening our bond to the one true rock that keeps us steady.

Here's what I experienced during my brief stint on Instagram.

This is what it feels like to have poor self-discipline: 

You're laying in bed angry, frustrated and wishing you had gotten up earlier. The baby is crying in his room, and you had been doing SO well for 2 weeks straight- getting up to have your quiet time, exercising and sticking to that eating plan. What happened?

It feels like you can't stick to anything longterm.

Why can my husband make a decision, and flip a switch

There is a season in life to say "no". When you are in the thick of motherhood with little ones who need your full time and attention, and a house and a husband, and quite possibly a job on top of it all, dear good grief you do not have to go to your second cousin’s gender reveal party. Or your Uncle’s surprise 70th, or your in-law’s barbecue to meet their college roommates. Nothing if you don’t want to. I give you full permission, sweet lady.

A few months back when I was looking up ways to politely decline invitations to things without lying, I came across some helpful hints. But mostly I already knew. I just had to

Have you caught it? The discontentment bug that is going around? It is especially infectious for women, mothers, wives.

It starts with a tug on your heart to do some things to better yourself, your life. It pulls you along on an internet search, finding resources and books – honing your mind in on exactly what you need. For me, this week, it started with the scoping out some happiness/goal setting/tracking journals. I've also been thinking about travel. Then, this evening I announced to my husband that I want us to find a babysitter. Someone we could rely on to come watch the littles, so we can do more with the bigs. Do more projects. Be more. Aspire to more. More, more, more. Discontentment. 

Don't I have enough?

Don't you have enough?

Do we even do a good job with what we've been entrusted? My beautiful life right now would look like