I want to be the happy, excited, well-balanced Mom who is cute and composed. Gray hairs freshly covered, manicured hands, glowing make-up, cute outfit, clean car, on time- all of it. I want to be crushing Mom life.

This morning I ate pistachio ice cream for breakfast. A new low of sorts. For 9 months I ate healthy and clean with an occasional splurge. I dropped baby weight like it was my job. My skin looked clear and my eyes bright. Then _________ threw me off. We can each fill in that blank differently- and I know just what it was for me.

I don't want to write this post. I don't want to be in a failing place. Being successful, and looking like it has

There is nothing on earth like being fully loved.♥

It’s what we dream about from the time we are little girls!

Then we grow up and realize that reality is brutal.

Men are typically not delicate with women and things don’t work like they do in fairy tales. (Hang tight, we’re coming back to this!)

Now I’m almost 40 and most married couples I know don’t even touch eachother.

There is so much hurt and unmet expectation.

It is not even in them to put a hand lovingly on their spouse’s leg.

It is clear to me that we were created to do things much differently then we’re doing them.

So, if you are still flexible and optimistic enough to want BETTER for your own marriage, and if you are humble enough to look at things differently- you are in the PERFECT space to grow and increase intimacy in your marriage.

This is a very difficult place to be.

Have you ever seen the kid's movie Madagascar?

If so, you'll remember that from the time the four main characters (Marty, Melvin, Gloria & Alex) get onto the island, they don't eat anything. Nothing. Not until the very end of the movie when the shifty penguins introduce them to sushi, do they finally fill their hunger.

Respect is everything to a man.

I had no idea what this even meant until I picked up the book: Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires. The Respect He Desperately Needs.

God dropped this little book into my hands at the exact right moment and it literally saved my marriage.

It taught me that the same way that MY primary need in a relationship is love, my husband's primary need is respect.

I couldn’t believe what I was reading and I was amazed I had never noticed it before.

That the key to my man’s heart was respect (not love).

I couldn’t wait to try it out.

The Inner Child is another name for the embodiment of concealed emotions and damage done to you by negative childhood experiences.

This usually involves the relationship dynamic (or lack thereof) with your parents.

We have all had bad experiences in our childhood, some more than others, and there are a lot of ways that these relational experiences affect us and manifest in our adult life.

My family and I are spending the week in a little coastal town in Georgia that we love!

Being a clean-cut, Christian family in the Northeast can feel lonely at times.

Here is GA, just seeing the genuine smiles and the polite interactions- the hey ya’ll’s and God bless you’s- is like fresh air to our souls!!

There is also a different kind of sweetness between men and women here.

I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth as I was about to speak words into the phone that felt so fake and unnatural to me.

We were not even married yet.

Yet, we were going on four years of the most bipolar and dysfunctional relationship you can imagine. I was exhausted.

I knew we loved each other deep down, but we could not make our relationship work.

How would it feel to have a fresh start in your marriage?

A blank canvas! Can you even imagine it?

Some of us have forgotten that deep longing we use to have for a deep and beautiful love story.

The magic is gone and all that is left is disappointment.

Pent-up frustrations and anger win each day as the needle on the “love-meter” moves further and further into the negative. Sometimes it has been stuck in the negative for so long that things just feel hopeless.

I remember living that way and it is EXHAUSTING.

But during some of the hardest and messiest times, God started to open my eyes, and strip away everything that I thought I knew about my relationship with my man.

And the things that He showed me ushered in an entirely fresh start for us!

As we are all in this hunkered-down state, I can’t help but feel a certain sense of peace about how all of this is happening.

As believers in Christ, we are already attuned to the fact that God is in control no matter what. Not that fear or disappointment never creeps in for us, but the “peace that passes understanding” is real, and at times like this we can see that distinct mark.

I was talking to a friend the other day and we both echoed back what the other was feeling: This has brought about a lot of GOOD things. It has helped us to re-focus on things that REALLY MATTER.

Again, I am not blind to the tragedy. But I want to point out a few of the REALLY GOOD things taking place because of the restrictions this virus has enforced:

Parentification happens when a child takes on the role of caretaker in place of the parent.

They may be responsible for the care of themselves, their siblings and/or a parent.

Instead of being loved, nurtured and cared for, the child must sacrifice their own needs to meet the needs of others. This often happens without the child even realizing it, as it just becomes the everyday norm.

It can be so hard in marriage to not keep score. They tell you this is one of the keys to a great marriage, but who are we kidding when the skin is on it. Even if you wake up that morning on a level playing field, with no record of wrongs- who is to say what ways you might feel disrespected or taken advantage of even before 7:30am. This morning I opened the refrigerator

I was just feeling so angry over social media... again. I went on for just a few minutes, the first time in a while. Flitted around. Left feeling more hollow, more angry, more wanting to say MY piece than before. More confused and scattered and these emotions- this devastation for the plight of things, the division. Everyone sticking their finger in the air and shouting their opinion. The leadership- the people that many people are following, flaunting their own feelings and opinions about Christianity, and the President, and the latest disaster, and I can't stomach all of this narcissism. I feel angry and sick all in one stroke. I feel a part of it, wanting to get in the middle and push

I am mid getting-this-thing-right. I don't want to even pretend for a second that this is an area where I have arrived. I've not. Just recently, starting a new year and doing a fast of sorts, I am tying to bring this area of my life and marriage to the forefront, and move in the direction God would have me. It's time to start trying to truly be, "to my husband as unto God."

Not that I worship him, blindly heave all of my prayers and desires onto him, and fully surrender my life to him. No- but I submit. I place my abilities and willingness before him as unto the Lord.

This is a hard thing. And very unnatural for a lady like me. I am quite confident in my thoughts, opinions and ability to know what is best- especially when it comes to my children. Many Moms are and this can be a hard rub with husbands. 

But again, it's evident in my own life that it's time for change. It's evident in the way that my oldest son shifts toward me and wants Mom to understand all the deep things and probably take up for him because that's what I've done a lot of. I need to be one with my man.

It's evident in the way that I just came upstairs