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When You’re NOT Crushing It
I want to be the happy, excited, well-balanced Mom who is cute and composed. Gray hairs freshly covered, manicured hands, glowing make-up, cute outfit, clean car, on time- all of it. I want to be crushing Mom life.
This morning I ate pistachio ice cream for breakfast. A new low of sorts. For 9 months I ate healthy and clean with an occasional splurge. I dropped baby weight like it was my job. My skin looked clear and my eyes bright. Then _________ threw me off. We can each fill in that blank differently- and I know just what it was for me.
I don't want to write this post. I don't want to be in a failing place. Being successful, and looking like it has
I want to be the happy, excited, well-balanced Mom who is cute and composed.
Gray hairs freshly covered, manicured hands, glowing make-up, cute outfit, clean car, on time- all of it. I want to be crushing Mom life.
This morning I ate pistachio ice cream for breakfast.
A new low of sorts.
For 9 months I ate healthy and clean with an occasional splurge. I dropped baby weight like it was my job. My skin looked clear and my eyes bright.
Then _________ threw me off.
We can each fill in that blank differently- and I know just what it was for me.
I don't want to write this post. I don't want to be in a failing place.
Being successful, and looking like it has somewhat of a hold on me. And after all, nobody needs to know I ate ice cream for breakfast.
So why did I tell you?
To let you know that you're not alone.
You're not alone in KNOWING all the right things to do- but still sabotaging it somehow.
You are not alone in wanting to be the Mom who is crushing it- and maybe feeling like you are that Mom at times, but somehow finding yourself back here at other times. You are not alone in swallowing your anger or hurt when some other Mom is talking about her successes, and you feel so far away from yours.
I don't want to flop and fail my way through life.
I'm not one of those women who gets her kicks from being able to be completely honest about all of her failures, and connect with other women in the same boat. Crying and patting eachother on the back and making the same mistakes over and over and over, with no progress. That is not my club.
In fact, to be honest, sometimes people's lack of change and growth downright annoys me. I want to be like, "Get it together, woman!" And I have judged and thought I know better.
But I know in these moments that the hurt and emptiness and difficulty of life can run SO deep.
And sometimes this role as Mom feels like it's dragging you outside by the hair and kicking you over and over while you cry for mercy.
And I know we are all battling.
We are battling to know what requires an emotional shift, a spiritual shift, or a physical shift.
Even that little skinny thing in your Instagram feed, showing off her ab muscles, she struggles inside of herself. Probably not with eating ice cream for breakfast, but I promise you that she too, at times feels the darkness of a self that she doesn't want to be anymore.
So what do we do?
We don't have the time to map it all out and think it all through.
And we don't always have the restraint to hold back from taking it out on our husbands because we are not really sure how much of this is his fault.
So where do we go with all of this?
All of the lack, and hurt and with everything in our life that we want to upgrade?
We go to the only place we can go. The best place. The place wide open for our mistakes.
The feet of Jesus.
Don't be annoyed with this answer. DO IT!
Talk to him about everything, today, right now. THAT is your answer. And it's mine too- and you better believe I'm heading there right now!
A Few Free Resources you might love!♥
Putting Your Man In God’s Hands >> FREE 5-DAY GUIDE
Healing Your Heart When Your Family-of-Origin was Broken by Divorce >> FREE E-COURSE
Give a Shape to Your Dream >> FREE MINI-COURSE
Best Outfits for The Modern Homemaker
The BEST outfit we can “put on” as modern day homemakers is a gentle and quiet spirit. ♥
1Peter 3:1-6 says this:
“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.”
This scripture reminds us that what is TRULY important as a woman-of-God, is what is inside of our heart, rather than what is on the outside.
The BEST outfit we can “put on” as modern day homemakers is a gentle and quiet spirit. ♥
1Peter 3:1-6 says this:
“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.”
This scripture reminds us that what is TRULY important as a woman-of-God, is what is inside of our heart, rather than what is on the outside.
The world continually tries to pressure us to focus on our exterior selves, fashion and wardrobe, rather than the condition of our heart, and we must fight against that by spending time with God daily, and allowing Him to adjust our perspective.
This is GREAT news because:
Even if you can’t afford brand new clothes, you can still be beautiful
Without spending a dime you have the tools to be attractive to your husband in the ways that win his heart the most.
God has supplied all you need and it is within your reach to be a beautiful, godly woman and model that to your children.
I want you to know all of these things before we focus on the exterior!
What to wear as a sahm
Now, we are ladies, and it is FUN to look nice!
And it is SUCH a blessing that we get to stay home with our babies!
But figuring out what to wear as a sahm can be a little daunting. So without further delay, here are my favorite staples to have in my closet as a modern homemaker.
These items allow me to be fashionable, comfortable and put-together- and I hope this list gives you the inspiration you’re looking for, my dear!! ♥
Soft Dresses
Flowy Tops
Comfy Skirts
Dressed-up Cozies
Simple Jewelry
Note: If you really love one or more of these items and want to find out where to purchase, I would suggest saving the image on Pinterest and then using Pinterest’s Visual Search Tool to track down the purchase info!
More Resources You Might Love!♥
Etiquette for Boys & Girls!
Putting Your Man in God’s Hands >> FREE E-BOOK
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Three Timeless Trademarks of Ladylike Etiquette for Girls
When it comes to etiquette it can be hard to gauge what is unnecessary and out of date, versus what is timeless, important and still elicits people's favor.
We want to teach our daughters ladylike etiquette, but we also want it to fit with modern times and not feel out of place.
Here are three traits of ladylike behavior that never go out of style!
When it comes to etiquette it can be hard to gauge what is unnecessary and out of date, versus what is timeless, important and still elicits people's favor.
We want to teach our daughters ladylike etiquette, but we also want it to fit with modern times and not feel out of place.
Here are three traits of ladylike behavior that never go out of style!
1. A Joyful & Kind Heart!
Don’t gloss over this point because it really is the most important one!
The most beautiful, attractive, and timeless trait in ladylike etiquette is kindness. It is really the most attractive trait in anyone!
When people care and are mindful of us, we notice. We also notice when people are just looking out for themselves. And unfortunately, that is often the norm today.
Self-absorption and abrasive behavior are an absolute pandemic in our culture right now.
But because of that, nothing stands out and SHINES BRIGHTER than someone who is kind and a blessing to be around.☀️
A kind smile, an encouraging word, bending down to interact playfully and kindly with a tiny person- these little gestures stand out like a rose growing out of a thorny bush.
Kindness is an outward flowing of a deeper reality; a peace and gentleness of the heart.
"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control."
If you're spending time with God daily and taking the time to soak up his word, there is no way you can miss the fruit of kindness.
We should be cultivating this within our own hearts, and exemplifying it for our daughters to learn!
What in the world is more ladylike than that?
2. Carrying Herself Confidently
Standing up tall, speaking with a loud voice, looking into people's eyes, being able to carry a conversation with people of different ages, backgrounds and beliefs; these behaviors mark confidence.
But these are things we must work at ourselves, so we can exemplify them to our daughters.
In my Ladylike Etiquette for Girls Mini-Course, I share a great technique for teaching your daughter how to converse with adults!
Learning how to have good manners and carry a conversation with adults will help win your child favor with those around her, which in turn will increase her confidence further!
And remember, the greatest work will come from the inside as we seek God’s blessing of a renewed heart and a purposeful life!
3. Cleanliness and Order in Her Life
A cornerstone of ladylike behavior includes a lightness and a freeness to notice what matters.
There is breathing room and space. There is order.
The opposite of this is someone who is overrun with busyness, haggardness, overwhelmed and has no neatness of person.
This might sound harsh considering that many women ARE completely overwhelmed with life responsibilities. This is not to say that the VALUE of this person is any less. We are each dearly beloved children of God no matter what our circumstances, or how clean our house is. (Thank God he does not judge us as the world does!)
But it is highly beneficial (and ladylike) to clear out the clutter and focus only on what really matters.
Simplifying our lives and possessions can lead to so much more freedom and space and allows us to be exceptional at the few things that really matter!
This is a true trademark of a ladylike demeanor.
I hope these points have helped to spark inspiration in your own journey to a more meaningful, peaceful and joyful life- and also have helped to guide you in teaching your daughter to be ladylike!
I Think You Will ♡
"I love this course! This course helps create meaningful conversations, fun interaction, and provides real life lessons. This type of knowledge has been lost on so many of our youth, ALL schools and homeschools would benefit from an etiquette class just like this one! THANK YOU!" ★★★★ -Ashley C., Mother of 4
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What Boys Need To Thrive
Sometimes it’s hard for a mom to understand the needs of her son. They can feel like a different breed of humans because, well, they kind of are!
As a mom of three boys and one girl, I can honestly say it has taken me a little while to really grasp what my boys need to flourish.
Sometimes it’s hard for a mom to understand the needs of her son. They can feel like a different breed of humans because, well, they kind of are!
As a mom of three boys and one girl, I can honestly say it has taken me a little while to really grasp what my boys need to flourish.
They each have such different personalities, strengths, and weaknesses.
My 16-year old is quiet, observant and sensitive.
My 4-year old is bold, outgoing and fearless
And my 3-year old is silly, tender and shy
However, there is a common thread that runs through all of them. And just like girls have a few things that really help them thrive and flourish, boys are no different.
Here is what I’ve observed up close that has made them the healthiest, best versions of themselves.
And if you, as a mom, can focus on helping give your son these 5 things, you will see him thrive and start to grow into a more mature, grounded, confident, and happy young man.
1. A personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
If you want to set your son up for success in his life, this is the best thing you can teach him.
I have watched this turn so many mens’ hearts around, including my own husband’s in his 20’s.
His character did a complete 180, and now I am so proud and happy of the man he has become and is continuing to become. Becoming a Christian shifted his focus to God and others (instead of selfish pursuits) and has made him a great father, husband, man and friend- because he has put his life in God’s hands and is now following God’s ways and not his own.
I want my sons to be these kinds of men as well, and I’m so glad they have their father to set this example.
We have taught our sons about having a personal relationship with God mainly by doing these three things:
Reading the Bible with them since they were little. We always keep an age-appropriate Bible on hand for our boys to read with us or on their own. Our oldest son even had this cool lego Bible for a season and he LOVED it!
Praying together as a family. My husband and I are open with our kids about our faith, and we pray together often about struggles, before meals, for other people, or just because.
Talking to our boys about what it means to have a personal relationship with Christ. We encourage them to read their Bible and pray on their own, and teach them to tell God their deepest issues, struggles, fears, joys and celebrations. That’s prayer!!
2. Hard work
I don’t know what it is, but there is just something about hard work that is so good for boys and men of all ages.
It is something in how God wired them.
Teaching your son the value of hard work is so important, but even more important is setting up times and opportunities for your son to work hard.
Daily chores, especially ones that require physical exertion and being outside, like stacking firewood or mowing the lawn are great!
Our teenage son has had a lawn-mowing business for a few years now and every time he gets home from mowing a lawn, I can see the shift in his attitude. He is happier, more energetic and more respectful toward everyone in the house.
It’s like this magical switch that goes off from the hard work!
Team sports are another great avenue for your son to exert himself and work hard!
As much as your son might fight back at first and want to be lazy instead- it is SO important that you show him and give him the opportunity to work hard on a regular basis.
3. Respect Respect Respect
I typed it three times because this is HUGE for boys and men of all ages.
Just like our primary need as women is to feel loved, a man’s primary need is to feel RESPECTED.
And it is no different with boys!
I was guilty of applying this principle in my marriage (which turned things around drastically) - but not seeing how this applied to parenting my sons.
This book changed everything!!
If you have not already, you need to learn about this principle in both your marriage and your parenting. Period.
4. A few healthy relationships
Boys need people to shoulder-up with and do life alongside.
If they don’t have a healthy friendship or two, it will be very difficult to stay on a good path and thrive.
Help encourage healthy friendships with other godly young-men, so your son can build the courage, confidence and comradery he needs to walk tall on his own path.
Also, having a male role-model is extremely important.
Hopefully this is his father, but if not, do you best to help your son cultivate a relationship with a healthy male figure who can serve as a role model.
He needs to see what it looks like to be a man.
5. People for him to love and care for
Notice I didn’t say people to love and care for him (although that is important), I said people for him to love and care for.
When childhood gives way to young-adulthood, and your boy becomes a man, he will find a woman who he can work hard to protect, pursue and hopefully marry. That is a great thing!
Having the responsibility to love and care for other people gives men a sense of purpose and a reason to push themselves to aim higher and do better.
As a young man, this might take the form of younger siblings or cousins.
It is a good thing for your young man to have the responsibility of caring for these younger people to a reasonable extent.
If he does not have siblings to help with, help him cultivate big-brother type relationships with some younger people at church or in your extended family.
Encourage him to be a good role model to them and remind him every now and then that these younger children look up to him!
These conversations should always take place in a positive tone. I can’t stress that enough.
Above all, your young man needs to see that you believe in him, and that you like him!
So don’t forget to remind him often, and always try to come from a place of encouragement, belief in his character, and optimism about who he can become!
Two resources you might love!♥
Cell Phone Etiquette & Safety for Pre-teens
Give a shape to your dream >> FREE MINI- COURSE
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The Bright Side of Staying Home: 3 Ways The Quarantine Has Been A Blessing
As we are all in this hunkered-down state, I can’t help but feel a certain sense of peace about how all of this is happening.
As believers in Christ, we are already attuned to the fact that God is in control no matter what. Not that fear or disappointment never creeps in for us, but the “peace that passes understanding” is real, and at times like this we can see that distinct mark.
I was talking to a friend the other day and we both echoed back what the other was feeling: This has brought about a lot of GOOD things. It has helped us to re-focus on things that REALLY MATTER.
Again, I am not blind to the tragedy. But I want to point out a few of the REALLY GOOD things taking place because of the restrictions this virus has enforced:
DISCLAIMER:
I am not in any way trying to downplay the tragedies occurring due to this virus. The purpose of this article is to bring light to some of the good things happening because we are forced to stay at home. If you think this material will offend you, please don’t proceed.
As we are all in this hunkered-down state, I can’t help but feel a certain sense of peace about how all of this is happening.
As believers in Christ, we are already attuned to the fact that God is in control no matter what. Not that fear or disappointment never creeps in for us, but the “peace that passes understanding” is real, and at times like this we can see that distinct mark.
I was talking to a friend the other day and we both echoed back what the other was feeling: This has brought about a lot of GOOD things. It has helped us to re-focus on things that REALLY MATTER.
Again, I am not blind to the tragedy. But I want to point out a few of the REALLY GOOD things taking place because of the restrictions this virus has enforced:
1. It has made us realize the state that our family is REALLY in.
When you are all stuck together under one roof for this many days, there is really no hiding what the issues are.
The lack of harmony amongst siblings is suddenly obvious.
The little annoyances are “annoying-er”.
The angry temper on that child is sticking out like a soar thumb.
Issues in our own hearts and marriages that were easy to distract ourselves from are suddenly brought front and center.
Many people are realizing they can’t stand their own family! It’s sad.
Rather than schools, jobs and activities holding everything in place, Mom and Dad must now create a schedule for the family that is healthy and balanced- when really, this is probably something we should have been doing all along.
Personally, I have realized A LOT during this time about what I want on my family’s schedule, and what I don’t. For some reason, this time has just made that more clear.
It has also made me want to be better, and more in-tune as a mom.
Our families (spouse and children) should come second only to God- yet many of us have lost touch with connecting and stewarding the most important responsibilities and relationships He has given us.
We have become too busy and our minds have been on other things.
My prayer is that this time would be a wake-up call.
That instead of finding other distractions (like alcohol, social media or entertainment) to get us through- that we would fully let all of this sink in. That through realization, repentance and realignment - we would begin fresh, with a new vision for stewarding our family and our time.
We’ve needed this!
And I pray that we would be courages enough to make the changes we feel God leading us to make.
2. It is forcing us to take a real rest.
For several years now I’ve been something of a minimalist.
My family has made it a practice to say “no” to most opportunities and invitations that come our way, so we can do a good job at the few things that matter and maintain a schedule that allows for regular restful time at home. (We have 4 kids, so I use the word restful loosely.)
But EVEN STILL, this new level of “nothingness” happening right now, has made me realize how much we have TRULY needed THIS kind of rest.
I feel we have all needed a real rest and God is giving it to us.
Did you know that before the Israelites entered the promise land, they were told that every 7 years, they were not to plant any crops so even the land had a chance to rest and replenish itself? And all debts incurred by the poor were to be forgiven on the seventh year as well?
We live in such a fast-pace, get-ahead time, that these kinds of socioeconomic practices are unthinkable!!
We don’t even honor the Sabbath Day, let alone a Sabbath Year!
And as believers we need to WAKE UP to the fact that rest and Sabbath are no longer a given. They are something we must purpose and make space for. (Even youth sports have crept over into Sundays.)
God has blessed us right now with this cushion of rest, and I pray that this time would not only help us REMEMBER how to be together- but also how to REST together!!
And that we would LOVE it and crave after it so much that we would reinstate the idea of a weekly Sabbath, as well as longer periods of REAL rest.
3. It is encouraging us to re-think our children’s education.
One of my children had just recently begun having a really tough time with school. There was tension with a couple of his peers among other things, and being that his class is very small and generally tight-nit, he was definitely feeling it.
At 16-years-old, for the first time ever, I watched him begin to loathe going to school. I could also see how these changes began effecting his health. He is normally a very upbeat and happy kid, who suddenly became tired, overwhelmed and stressed much of the time.
I had been praying for about two weeks for God’s hand to be on my family and my son, to get through the end of school. Three months felt like forever in an environment that suddenly felt toxic for him.
I can’t even describe the relief he has experienced and the weight I have watched come off of his shoulders, now getting to do school from home.
I have been talking to some other moms who are tuning into their children’s education for the very first time.
It can be scary to see the gaps and short-comings because we know we are ultimately responsible for their education and we don’t want to let them down. Tuning in is a GREAT thing.
When our children are at school all day it is easy to assume that things are going generally well, and that they are learning everything they need to know. But that is often not the case.
Teachers are human beings too, and just like within any other profession, there are some who are EXCEPTIONAL at what they do, but many who are just skating by. Add on top of this unbalanced policies, and dysfunctional behaviors of other students, and it is no wonder so many children come home stressed, anxious or just completely drained after school.
Many schools and teachers are WONDERFUL, for sure! But this has definitely become more the exception than the rule.
I have found myself praying many times over the last several weeks for the hearts of mothers and fathers to tune in to their children. I’ve also prayed for some parents to realize that homeschooling really is possible and to desire it.
Over the last several months God has shifted mine and my husband’s heart tremendously in this area, and we are now planning to homeschool our children next year.
I know this is not feasible for everyone- but I hope that the involvement and stepping into the role of primary-educator will stick for parents, regardless of what their children do for schooling next year.
I hope your family is finding peace, joy, provision and togetherness in this time!
2 Great Courses You Might Love!
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3 Healthy Boundaries for Adult Women- To Protect Your Own Sanity and Family
We’ve each grown up with different dynamics within our family of origin- and these relationships can be complicated, to say the least.
Many of us came from broken or dysfunctional homes where nobody modeled healthy relationships and boundaries. Some of us even grew accustomed to accepting extremely unhealthy behavior as normal.
I often hear from women about their parents’ unbearable behaviors. Sometimes these adult daughters did not even realize the issue until well into their adult years.
**I have edited this article after realizing my own personal boundaries have been more to protect me from certain dysfunctional dynamics in my extended family circle- not for my own parents or grandparents, all of whom I am very close with. I hope these words help you feel empowered to put up boundaries with those who do not have your best interest at heart- but to be gracious with those who truly love you.
We’ve each grown up with different dynamics within our family of origin- and these relationships can be complicated, to say the least.
Some of us came from broken or dysfunctional homes and even grew accustomed to accepting extremely unhealthy behavior as normal.
I often hear from women about issues within their own families they didn’t even recognize until well into their adult years:
narcissism
need to dominate
always playing the victim
manipulation, just to name a few
At some point, we all have to come to the realization that our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles are flawed humans just like everyone else. They have hurts from their own upbringing and reasons they behave the way they do, just like us.
I’m not giving anyone a pass for egregious behavior. But the fact of the matter is that we don’t have much power to truly change anyone.
This is why boundaries are not about shaming and blaming- they are about you taking responsibility for yourself.
Boundaries are about setting the climate in your life so you have the freedom to live out the priorities God shows you.
They are essentially your way of saying to other people:
“I realize what your preference for our relationship would be. But it’s not the same as mine. Here is what I am willing to give, receive and tolerate in our relationship. Wherever that overlaps with your preferences for our relationship, great! We can meet there!”
Having healthy relationships with other people has a lot to do with knowing your boundaries and respecting theirs.
Here are three areas I believe it’s very important to know and stick to your boundaries:
Phone/Text Boundaries
It can be a hard thing that we are all available now 24/7 now via our cellphones. Not that we have to answer every phone call or reply to every text message, but often just seeing a certain name come up on our screen is enough to cause significant stress.
Here is what I suggest:
Lower the bar. Don’t rush to get back to people. Text messages don’t need to be responded to right away, nor do phone-calls. I often answer all of my text messages from the day in one shot in the evening or even the next morning. Sometimes I just forget and that’s okay too. Everyone lives and everyone will be fine. Do yourself a favor and lower the bar.
If you don’t wish to engage with someone via text, you don’t have to. Give extremely short, finalizing answers back on your own timetable.
If someone calls you often to unload all of their problems, and it’s beginning to feel like an infringement, have the hard conversation to tell them you don’t have the time any longer. Hard conversations are more than worth the relief they bring of no longer having to deal with obnoxious behavior. Remember not to blame, be polite and make it about you and your preferences. Again, a hard conversation is worth it and also can save you from “snapping” at the person later down the line.
Get-together Boundaries
Most of us have the pressure of expectations when it comes to holidays and get-togethers. Now that you are an adult with your own family, you DO have a say in this too! I know this might come as a shocker, but you don’t have to do Christmas the way that your family has always done it.
I see so many couples rushing around on holidays, trying to keep both sides of the family happy and it can get so ridiculous, to the point where they don’t even get to enjoy the holiday or spend time with their own family. YOU ARE YOUR OWN FAMILY NOW. You and your husband get to decide what YOUR FAMILY would like to do for Christmas now.
If you feel overwhelmed by or pressured into too many get-togethers, this article could be extremely helpful: Permission to Say No to Everything.
Open Door or Not Boundaries
Some people are fine with having anyone stop by at any time. I’m not one of them. I don’t mind if my parents, grandparents, or siblings stop by unannounced, but I once had to have a hard conversation with someone that went like this:
“Hey, could you please call or text before you plan on coming by just to make sure it’s a good time? I’m in a very busy season of life right now and it’s just not always a good time for a visitor.”
This person had been stopping by unannounced about once a month, but it just did not feel right. It didn’t feel like love, it felt like snooping and control.
So I had to have a hard conversation, again, not putting blame on them, but just letting them know what works for me.
It was received well and the conversation served its purpose in drawing up a new boundary that works for me. And it is a relief to not worry about that person not popping by anymore!
Remember, it is about being vocal about your preferences in a way that lets people know what works for you. In most cases, people will be respectful of what you have asked.
I’ve noticed that many women who struggle with boundaries are those of us who grew up in broken families of origin.
If this is you, I would highly recommend my new 7-day e-course below!
Also, if you need more in-depth teaching on this topic, I highly recommend Boundaries: when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life.
I hope you feel better equipped to set up some God-honoring boundaries in your life!
Healing Your ♥ When Your Family of Origin was Broken by Divorce
A FREE 7-DAY E-MAIL COURSE TO HELP YOU:
Identify deeply-rooted issues from your broken past
Find peace and trust as you allow God to surface these issues
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Step out of old, ingrained thought-patterns and into the woman you were created to be!
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Why Rachel Hollis' Message is So Hard to Resist, And How to Rise Above
Even though my life is so blessed, and God has been so gracious to me, I am still such a loser sometimes.
Tonight I sat on my couch scrolling through my phone on a Saturday night, ignoring my family. A temporary ease to the dull ache inside of me.
I try to keep it pure and look up only Christian content, but you know how things can spiral.
Christian celebrity Instagram accounts, and then onto the people they have tagged, and people those people have tagged... A lame, lame waste of time, I know. And tonight I somehow eventually wound up on a famous Christian authors’ daughter’s account. Nice.
Even though my life is so blessed, and God has been so gracious to me, I am still such a loser sometimes.
Tonight I sat on my couch scrolling through my phone on a Saturday night, ignoring my family. A temporary ease to the dull ache inside of me.
I try to keep it pure and look up only Christian content, but you know how things can spiral.
Christian celebrity Instagram accounts, and then onto the people they have tagged, and people those people have tagged... A lame, lame waste of time, I know. And tonight I somehow eventually wound up on a famous Christian authors’ daughter’s account. Nice.
In my heart, I know a lot of what I’m seeing is an act.
I know how people advertise and social climb; color coordinate their pages and post pictures from photo-shoots done months in advance as if it were today. It feels like a twisted game, but sometime I can’t stop looking and can’t help the feelings that rise up inside of me.
This young woman, in perfectly stunning poses, talks about how her husband flew with her out to CO several times in the proceeding year so she could “take time to heal.” I picture them sitting on the balcony of some isolated mountain-top resort in bathrobes with cups of coffee talking through all of the hurts she has been through. Sounds nice. Then maybe they would have an extended spa-day and go to see some renowned Christian-therapist and talk about some lifestyle changes and a healing regiment. Go for long walks with no make-up and the perfect-top knot in high- waisted leggings (really, Audry? Because you’re 36 with 4 kids…) And I will still be here, with my mommy-pooch that would certainly not look good in high-waisted leggings, trying to afford a beach weekend, three hours away with my family. Trying to shake the feelings that I am missing out on being noticed, appreciated or having my own time in the Rocky Mountains to “heal”.
And I will try not to go upstairs and compare my own husband who is upset with me because I’ve been flaking out on my phone for the past hour, to this husband who took his wife to CO three times last year to help her “heal”. And these are the kinds of things that we can so often feel as mothers and wives and Christian women trying to make our way in this culture.
And then Rachel Hollis comes along.
And she tells us that we have to stop waiting for other people to notice or take care of us, and we need to start pushing forward, making ourselves a priority and going after our dreams and taking care of ourselves. She hands us an ice-cold glass of water in a dessert, packaged adorably, for the parched soul who has not been drinking the living water that her father has been offering her this whole time. The woman who has been neglecting the pursuit of finding her truest happiness in Christ alone. The woman like me. We who have fallen limp in the hard days of motherhood. And her message feels like a saving grace. And we see it everywhere, in Target and on our friend’s social media page, and in our heart of hearts we know that it’s deception.
I watched the first three minutes of Rachel Hollis’ documentary on Prime and I thought about it for days until I could come back and watch the whole thing, alone. And I listened to her book on 1.5 speed on Blinkist (an app that gives the main points). I have read what other women have had to say, and so by-and-large I have thoroughly absorbed her core message. I’ve even laughed at some of her YouTube video tutorials.
Some of her advice is just shallow and immature, but when we are floundering our way through our own lives, who are we to judge? At least her stuff feels real, colorful, nicely made and relatable. And that is what keeps us coming back.
But some women do more than just come back.
Some eat this advice ravenously because Rachel is offering the message that we have been dying to hear. She has created a bridge for us Christian woman to essentially do the same things we have (half critically, half jealously), watched other women do for years, but have ourselves refrained from. She offers the voice and the permission to go after our dreams, live lavishly, pursue what we want, and maybe even sprinkle a little Jesus on top.
“Discernment is not knowing the difference between right and wrong, it is knowing the difference between right and almost right.” –Charles Spurgeon
These are the three areas I feel Rachel’s advice is most detrimental to women, and I’d also like to offer a godly alternative.
1. Drive forward- go after what you want.
This is a tricky, partial-truth, and one that we really need God’s word to slice through and divide joint and marrow, thoughts and attitudes of the heart. The way I see it is that this advice could be used for those times when we are delaying obedience to God or being downright disobedient to something God has made clear to us. Maybe we should be taking better care of our bodies. There is no time like the present, and no amount of complaining that will get the same results as action. There is a time to act, to move, to push through things that are hard, that we know we ought to be doing.
But on a grander scale, Hollis talks about going after your dreams that you have for your life, making the time and pushing forward. But here is what I see: We don’t always know exactly what we want, or what it looks like to get it. Pushing forward in our own limited strength, with our own skewed sense of direction leaves us vulnerable to our own missteps, and often very quickly exasperated.
I am part of a large women’s writing guild, and I see this all the time: women who have a vision, or a general sense of where they want to get to, but get tangled up in other people’s advice on how to get there. We can wind up following formulas rather than the one true God. Very few women know exactly what they want and how to go about getting it- and the ones who feel they do, are often very much mistaken about what this all will get them. A ticket to happiness this is not.
We need God to guide our steps and keep our priorities in line, period. Nothing else will “work”. Even if it looks like it’s working on Instagram.
2. Being pushy and pushing the important people away.
Pushing for your own way might get people to do what you want, but most will not like you.
In a day when people are screaming and shouting for their voices to be heard, climbing on each other’s backs for position- real affections are growing thin. Demanding your rights, speaking harshly, and being in-your-face, might make people cower down, but it will not fan the flame of affection or respect- especially with your spouse.
You might get everything that you think you want, but in the process, loose the affection and respect of those who are most important to you. Being brash does not get us all that we think it does. It leaves us hollow. There are priorities God calls us to as women, and if you need to brush up on these, read Titus 2. We should not push these people aside. Which leads me to #3…
3. The REAL, BEST things come from God.
Surrendering to Him and following His will was the biggest turning point in my life.
It flooded me with healing, peace and joy beyond what I knew possible. And can I share a secret? Now that I am older, have more possessions, a nicer house and stable income, I am no happier than I was when my soul was flourishing in Christ during harsh circumstances.
God is an equal opportunity employer when it comes to happiness. We hear it all the time and yet our soul still struggles to believe that we wouldn’t be happier if we had these earthly things that our (deceptive) hearts want more than anything.
“I may, I suppose, regard myself, or pass for being, as a relatively successful man. People occasionally stare at me in the streets–that’s fame. I can fairly easily earn enough to qualify for admission to the higher slopes of the Internal Revenue–that’s success. Furnished with money and a little fame even the elderly, if they care to, may partake of trendy diversions– that’s pleasure. It might happen once in a while that something I said or wrote was sufficiently heeded for me to persuade myself that it represented a serious impact on our time–that’s fulfillment. Yet I say to you — and I beg you to believe me–multiply these tiny triumphs by a million, add them all together, and they are nothing–less than nothing, a positive impediment–measured against one draught of that living water Christ offers to the spiritually thirsty, irrespective of who or what they are.”
– Malcolm Muggeridge
Seek God first, sweet friend. He offers you everything you need.
I am there with you getting caught up at times wanting to be the woman in high-waisted jeans with the perfect top-knot, with a crap-load of adoring followers.
But deep down I know it is better to be the truly surrendered woman with the warm smile. The present woman who is available to talk with and pray with the people in my life around me. The real woman who can relate with feeling put-under by a constant parade of perfection on Instagram. Let’s not be the women burning ourselves out on the treadmill of our own self-made plans for perfection. Making an idol of all the wrong things.
I’m going to keep striving after Jesus, even if that means I grow impatient because this article might take me three days to write and publish because I will go upstairs to my husband who I know doesn’t sleep well without me beside him. I will choose to believe God’s priority for me as a wife over a writer. Because I’ve seen His goodness in the land of the living, and the beauty in the sacrificial, the little, the small, the humble.
The spark that comes into our eyes when we do the things that are hard and take work, not to be noticed, but rather because it is what God tells us- and we are putting our stock in eternity with Him. Not here, for ourselves.
When we are so tempted to put ourselves first, get swayed by celebrity Instagrams, or are dying to follow Rachel Hollis’ advice, it should be a sobering reminder that we are in desperate need of the love of our savior.
We need time with him. We need to be on our face praying and resting in his promise.
He has the way to happiness. The way to exalt the humble and humble those who exalt themselves.
Let’s not be the women weighed down by your own sin and thus swayed by all kinds of evil desires. If you are not joyful and content in Jesus, go to Him daily, beg, ask Him, and study His word. There is nothing new that is better than the simplicity of the gospel, and nothing better for you as a woman than adhering to God’s priorities.
Cling to Him, dear one. It is so much better than the deception flashing in front of your eyes.
“Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.”- Galatians 6:8
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When Mommy’s Heart is Stolen by Her Work
This is something that many of us need to come face to face with.
It is a heart-of-hearts kind of issue, deeper than many of the topics being tackled in women’s circles at this moment.
Many of us are at home with our children, but our hearts have drifted far away.
This is something that many of us need to come face to face with.
It is a heart-of-hearts kind of issue, deeper than many of the topics being tackled in women’s circles at this moment.
Many of us are at home with our children, but our hearts have drifted far away.
We rush through our responsibilities and relationships with our family, so we can get to our own passion projects: our blog, our business, our book, or whatever venture has stolen our heart.
And here is the tricky thing: Right now, all of the articles, all of the advice, all of the everything is AFFIRMING our plans for ourselves. The Christian community at-large has even taken a sharp lean toward empowering women to be more self-regarding and entrepreneurial. This is not always a bad thing, and as a woman, I am grateful for the many roads that have been paved for my gender.
BUT, in the most influential messages that are reaching our ears and our hearts- not many are speaking of the priorities God’s word calls women to:
Surrender, humility, submission to our husbands, and being good mommies.
(Eph 5:22, Col 3:18-21, Titus 2:5, 1Peter 3:1, Eph 6:4, 1Tim 3:4-5)
These are the high callings on a women’s life!
These are beautiful, godly and more powerful and relevant than ever!
But most of us have had our heart stolen away to the tune of something that seems so good and appealing to our own sense of success. This is not the way to godliness.
I believe that the enemy is perfectly content to have a mom physically at home, so long as he can steel, mess-with, and ultimately mess up her heart. Get her so self-focused that she is no longer any kind of threat for the kingdom of God, but only works tirelessly to better herself.
Be on guard!
“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” (1Peter 5:8)
If you are not spending daily time with God, in prayer, reading your word and SURRENDERING your plans to let Him unfold them how and when He would like, then chances are you are in the throes of deception.
But the great news is that God always offers us a new start and such endless grace. If you feel you have gotten so off course and wrapped up in your own plans, I would suggest doing a fast and praying for God’s direction over your life.
A few months ago, I was in an unclear place, pushing forward in my own plans and dreams, with my heart slowly drifting from my family. God was so gracious to show me, adjusted me and put me back on a healthy path with Him- with my husband and my children properly prioritized in my life.
So my advice to you is simple: Go to Him and ask. Ask Him to show you and reveal HIS will for your life and your time right now.
“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” (Luke 11:9-13)
If you continually surrender yourself and lay your desires at His feet; continue to seek your promise-land in HIM, I believe He will ultimately give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4).
But outside of His plan, His will, and His order of things, you will always be stretching and manipulating, and neglecting that which is most important.
Whatever our work, our calling, our ministry in life- we should always be aiming and prioritizing to grow closer to Jesus, and his plans for our marriage and motherhood. These are the most beautiful, difficult and ultimately maturing factors- the refining fires for our hearts to grow and be able to truly give and minister from a selfless place!
Don’t quit, Mama!
How to Have a Simple Easter
This is not another plan, or checklist, or give-me-your-email-address-and-I-will-send-you-5-tips-to-have-a-simple-Easter!
This is simply what my family decided to do last year, amidst the general overwhelm of life, to have a close-to-home, simple, faith-and-family-centric Easter.
As Moms, it is very easy to get caught up in family traditions, and holiday pressures can pile up fast and thick.
We let our extended families know a few weeks in advance
This is not another plan, or checklist, or give-me-your-email-address-and-I-will-send-you-5-tips-to-have-a-simple-Easter!
This is simply what my family decided to do last year, amidst the general overwhelm of life, to have a close-to-home, simple, faith-and-family-centric Easter.
As Moms, it is very easy to get caught up in family traditions, and holiday pressures can pile up fast and thick.
We let our extended families know a few weeks in advance that we would not be joining them for Easter. We did not over-explain or give excuses. There is no need for that if you and your husband are on the same page about what is best for your family.
Here is what we did:
In the morning, our children came downstairs to find pinwheels and a note. We don’t do Easter baskets because we don’t feel they are necessary. We might give each child a small gift, but that is it. They are always excited for whatever they get.
My daughter and I like waking up early to make a special breakfast on holidays, so we had a nice breakfast together before heading out the door for church.
My daughter loves the excitement of getting up before everyone else to help Mommy make breakfast:-)
I like the dressing-up part of Easter. Nobody got a new outfit, but we did dress up for church. Here are our family photos of us with our children on the porch heading off to church.
the girls!
the boys!
This guy:-)
After church we came home and put our little boys down for a nap, and then began working together to prepare our “Easter Meal”, which was ham, mashed potatoes, gravy, salad, pineapple and maybe one or two other fixings. I’m fuzzy on the details here- what I had prepared the day before, what jobs each person did (or how much they actually helped, haha), or whether we ate before or after the boys woke up. No matter. The point is that we didn’t go over-the-top with food and kept things pretty simple.
While the little ones were down for their nap, we played a game of Monopoly with the big kids. Daddy fell asleep.
Real life, folks.
I can see in this picture that I bought Derek’s favorite Alouette pub cheese dip and flat pretzels. Busting out the good snacks!:-)
After the boys woke up and we all had eaten, we took a walk down to the park as a family. This is a favorite family activity. We shoot hoops, swing on swings and monkey around. After the park we walked down to the lake. The kids took their shoes off to dip their feet in the icy, early-spring water, and we all skipped rocks. This scenario can sometimes end in soggy children that we have to carry up the hill to our house because they got overly-ambitious in their “feet-dipping”. Moms, you know exactly what I mean:-)
So the rest of the evening is kind of a blur. I believe that some family stopped by and we hung around in the yard, we threw the football and let the little boys drive around in their battery-powered truck. Maybe we built a fire. Oh yes! We did do an Easter egg hunt with little stickers and jelly-beans inside and talked about the story of Christ with our resurrection eggs. (I just love these!)
And this photo tells me that at some point Layla and Daddy made smoothie bowls (their favorite).
The best part about the day was that it was spent together, making memories and having quality time with our children. All they ever want is for Mommy and Daddy to slow down, pay attention and engage with them. It is sad that it might actually take a holiday to make that happen; but on this particular holiday, that is exactly what we decided to do.
We said “no thank you” to others, and “yes” to the most important people in our lives. We kept things simple so that we could enjoy what matters.
We took small opportunities to thank Jesus and talk about what He did for us- but really, we try to do that in our lives everyday.
The point is that you do not need a formula, a how-to-guide, or a lot of money to have a special, simple Easter. Just plan a few special things and spend time with the ones you love!
When you wish you had more self-discipline
This is what it feels like to have poor self-discipline:
You're laying in bed angry, frustrated and wishing you had gotten up earlier. The baby is crying in his room, and you had been doing SO well for 2 weeks straight- getting up to have your quiet time, exercising and sticking to that eating plan. What happened?
It feels like you can't stick to anything longterm.
Why can my husband make a decision, and flip a switch
This is what it feels like to have poor self-discipline:
You're laying in bed angry, frustrated and wishing you had gotten up earlier. The baby is crying in his room, and you had been doing SO well for 2 weeks straight- getting up to have your quiet time, exercising and sticking to that eating plan. What happened?
It feels like you can't stick to anything longterm.
Why can my husband make a decision, and flip a switch and start a new habit like a robot? And I am constantly flopping and failing in my goals. Is it because he played sports, and stuck with things and learned at an early age that he can't listen to his feelings all the time? My childhood was pretty much the opposite- all feelings, not much sticking-it-out. I use to feel angry that my parents never made me stick with something long term. Soccer, piano, tennis, dance, anything. It would be so nice to have a refined skill set, and fully developed my potential in even just one area.
Do you wish for the same?
Do you ever wish you had really seen something through? That someone was there cheering you on and helping you always take the next right step?
Do you, like me, now feel handicapped (and a little resentful at times) that you can't seem to stick with healthy changes in your life for the long haul?
Well, dear, if that is you too, then I want to remind us both of something:
"God uses all things together for the good for those who love him and are called according to his purposes." Romans 8:28
This scripture is just the best. Whenever we are tempted to focus on the ways that we were short-changed or overlooked, BOOM, Romans 8:28. I just love it.
Because I don't know about you, but the truth is that it was in all of my FAILING that I came to Christ. And it is all of my failing, weak moments that still make me cry out and realize how much I need him. (And it is my failing moments- not my success- right now that is connecting me to you. Praise God!)
The failure, the depression, when I don't have it in me to win at life and be successful.
The times I am trying to give so much to my kids that I wasn't given. Be so much for my kids that nobody was for me.
And looking back it was my broken past that lead me to Jesus.
It was not in spite of falling through the cracks that I came to him, it was BECAUSE I had fallen through the cracks.
All of the people in my life who let me down, served as arrows to point me to Jesus. If I had gone through high school in a stable home with good grades and lots of support- I don't believe I would have ultimately ended up on my knees at God's feet. Peoples' love and affirmation might have been just sweet enough to keep me trudging forward in my own strength. Just strong enough, just whole enough, that I might be missing out on the real lover of my soul. The one who gave me life and gives me REAL love, REAL wholeness, and REAL strength.
Yes, I am tempted at times to wish my earlier life had panned out differently. I wish someone had seen to it that I had stuck some things out so I could have had better grades, a better degree, could play an instrument or a sport really well.
But would I trade in my wholeness in Christ for all of that? NO WAY!!!
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
God let us know it! Let us know that you have worked (and are working) our broken past and our broken moments for your glory. Let us keep letting you work in our hearts and lives- so they can be more beautiful and look how YOU want them to look. Amen.
This is a personal writing project meant to express my feelings and thoughts, not to be used in place of God’s word. Anything good and true that I write is only because he has blessed and gifted me to do so, but I am a sinner, saved by grace, and am prone to weakness, bias, harshness and fault. I hope that my words can lead you to seek more of your own personal walk with Christ, because HE is only place you will find real TRUTH and satisfaction.