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When You’re NOT Crushing It
I want to be the happy, excited, well-balanced Mom who is cute and composed. Gray hairs freshly covered, manicured hands, glowing make-up, cute outfit, clean car, on time- all of it. I want to be crushing Mom life.
This morning I ate pistachio ice cream for breakfast. A new low of sorts. For 9 months I ate healthy and clean with an occasional splurge. I dropped baby weight like it was my job. My skin looked clear and my eyes bright. Then _________ threw me off. We can each fill in that blank differently- and I know just what it was for me.
I don't want to write this post. I don't want to be in a failing place. Being successful, and looking like it has
I want to be the happy, excited, well-balanced Mom who is cute and composed.
Gray hairs freshly covered, manicured hands, glowing make-up, cute outfit, clean car, on time- all of it. I want to be crushing Mom life.
This morning I ate pistachio ice cream for breakfast.
A new low of sorts.
For 9 months I ate healthy and clean with an occasional splurge. I dropped baby weight like it was my job. My skin looked clear and my eyes bright.
Then _________ threw me off.
We can each fill in that blank differently- and I know just what it was for me.
I don't want to write this post. I don't want to be in a failing place.
Being successful, and looking like it has somewhat of a hold on me. And after all, nobody needs to know I ate ice cream for breakfast.
So why did I tell you?
To let you know that you're not alone.
You're not alone in KNOWING all the right things to do- but still sabotaging it somehow.
You are not alone in wanting to be the Mom who is crushing it- and maybe feeling like you are that Mom at times, but somehow finding yourself back here at other times. You are not alone in swallowing your anger or hurt when some other Mom is talking about her successes, and you feel so far away from yours.
I don't want to flop and fail my way through life.
I'm not one of those women who gets her kicks from being able to be completely honest about all of her failures, and connect with other women in the same boat. Crying and patting eachother on the back and making the same mistakes over and over and over, with no progress. That is not my club.
In fact, to be honest, sometimes people's lack of change and growth downright annoys me. I want to be like, "Get it together, woman!" And I have judged and thought I know better.
But I know in these moments that the hurt and emptiness and difficulty of life can run SO deep.
And sometimes this role as Mom feels like it's dragging you outside by the hair and kicking you over and over while you cry for mercy.
And I know we are all battling.
We are battling to know what requires an emotional shift, a spiritual shift, or a physical shift.
Even that little skinny thing in your Instagram feed, showing off her ab muscles, she struggles inside of herself. Probably not with eating ice cream for breakfast, but I promise you that she too, at times feels the darkness of a self that she doesn't want to be anymore.
So what do we do?
We don't have the time to map it all out and think it all through.
And we don't always have the restraint to hold back from taking it out on our husbands because we are not really sure how much of this is his fault.
So where do we go with all of this?
All of the lack, and hurt and with everything in our life that we want to upgrade?
We go to the only place we can go. The best place. The place wide open for our mistakes.
The feet of Jesus.
Don't be annoyed with this answer. DO IT!
Talk to him about everything, today, right now. THAT is your answer. And it's mine too- and you better believe I'm heading there right now!
A Few Free Resources you might love!♥
Putting Your Man In God’s Hands >> FREE 5-DAY GUIDE
Healing Your Heart When Your Family-of-Origin was Broken by Divorce >> FREE E-COURSE
Give a Shape to Your Dream >> FREE MINI-COURSE
How to Increase Intimacy in Your Marriage (Physical and Emotional)
There is nothing on earth like being fully loved.♥
It’s what we dream about from the time we are little girls!
Then we grow up and realize that reality is brutal.
Men are typically not delicate with women and things don’t work like they do in fairy tales. (Hang tight, we’re coming back to this!)
Now I’m almost 40 and most married couples I know don’t even touch eachother.
There is so much hurt and unmet expectation.
It is not even in them to put a hand lovingly on their spouse’s leg.
It is clear to me that we were created to do things much differently then we’re doing them.
So, if you are still flexible and optimistic enough to want BETTER for your own marriage, and if you are humble enough to look at things differently- you are in the PERFECT space to grow and increase intimacy in your marriage.
There is nothing on earth like being fully loved.♥
It’s what we dream about from the time we are little girls!
Then we grow up and realize that reality is brutal.
Men are typically not delicate with women and things don’t work like they do in fairy tales. (Hang tight, we’re coming back to this!)
Now I’m almost 40 and most married couples I know don’t even touch eachother.
There is so much hurt and unmet expectation.
It is not even in them to put a hand lovingly on their spouse’s leg.
It is clear to me that we were created to do things much differently then we’re doing them.
So, if you are still flexible and optimistic enough to want BETTER for your own marriage, and if you are humble enough to look at things differently- you are in the PERFECT space to grow and increase intimacy in your marriage.
These are the 3 best tips I know: ♥
1. Cultivate a deep and personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Use it to pray for your man.
Don’t gloss over this point. Please.
Your spirit is THE REAL YOU and will set the tone for everything else in your life, especially your marriage.
Most women make the mistake of thinking that their spouse is suppose to make them happy, and that he should be the source of feeling truly and deeply loved!
Not so, my dear!
I know from experience.
I’ve lived it both ways.
I use to be so reliant on my man to keep me happy and my well-being was always based on our current status. It was exhausting!
I never had real peace because I never knew when the next “incident” or “let down” would come.
That’s no way to live!
Relying on a flawed man to keep you happy all the time will only lead to a constant state of disappointment.
It wasn’t until I learned to put my man in God’s hands, and seek God for myself, that my heart and my love life really began to change.
There is NOTHING on earth like forming a personal relationship with Jesus through honest prayer and reading his word.
My relationship with God is stronger and more special than my relationship with my husband and that is the way it should be.
It keeps me safe and peaceful.
Prayer, and talking to Jesus about your marriage is a million times more powerful than complaining to your husband yet again.
When I stopped trying to control, and started praying for my husband is when everything began to change.
I found the freedom to enjoy my man!
Here is my favorite scripture to pray for my husband:
“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.”
I have watched God bring this scripture to life in my husband, before my very eyes!
Prayer works!
Seeking God works!
Don’t think of it as a side note- it is EVERYTHING!
2. Break the yucky cycle.
Here is the yucky cycle:
Without physical intimacy, he reacts by withholding emotional intimacy- without emotional intimacy she reacts by withholding physical intimacy.
Are you stuck in this yucky cycle?
You better believe that is exactly where the enemy wants to keep you!
Why? Because everyday you go without physical intimacy in your marriage, is a day closer to your marriage dying on the vine.
It’s true.
There is an unspoken language that takes place in the bedroom between a husband and wife that goes deeper than anything words could say.
And you better believe the enemy wants to keep you apart!
Stop thinking about sex in a worldly way. Take the time to heal your mind.
It is very hard for us to not keep score and hold back physical intimacy- but if we submit and surrender in this way, we will find it is the very thing that rekindles the love we are looking for from our spouse.
If you’ve not read the book Love and Respect, there is no other book I can recommend more highly for you marriage.
This book talks more about The Crazy Cycle and will help you find you bearings in your marriage.
3. Humility and Humor
Most people don’t know how to apologize.
But once you muster up the humility to do it once- a new freedom floods in!
It gets easier each time.
Do you know how to apologize?
Do you know how to laugh at yourself?
Marriage is the most helpful tool to humble us in these ways!
As women we need to just sometimes laugh at ourselves for the anger and frustrations that just bubbles over at times.
There are times that I look at my husband and feel so annoyed or angry, AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY!
We need to be able to laugh about these things, and about the kids being little buttheads, and about gray hairs- or else we will go mad!
Humility to not need to be perfect.
We often have this vision of who we want to be- financially, physically and just what we want our life to be like.
And let’s be honest, we are falling short.
And let’s be honest again- we want to blame our husband for this much of the time.
It’s a good thing to cry and laugh, and share those vulnerable moments with your husband. He loves you.
And the truth is that God has you in the very position you are in because he wants to soften and mature you. He wants you to let go of materialistic and selfish motives, and go to HIS feet for fulfillment.
Maybe he needs to mature you enough to handle with grace the very blessing you are hoping for!
Our culture has trained us to expect so much from each-other- rather than to give so much grace!
Let the culture in your home different. Let it be one of grace, humility and closeness- with lots of touchy-feely love! ♥
A COUPLE FREE RESOURCES YOU MIGHT LOVE! ♡
Putting Your Man in God’s Hands
A 5-DAY GUIDE TO HELP YOU:
Let go of control and become the woman you’ve always wanted to be.
Have the courage to believe God’s word above your feelings.
Find the blessing of doing less
Cultivate the power of Respect
Learn how to draw up appropriate boundaries in your marriage.
Healing Your Heart When Your Family-of-Origin was Broken by Divorce
Pin for later! ♡
What to do when intimacy has ceased in your marriage
This is a very difficult place to be.
Have you ever seen the kid's movie Madagascar?
If so, you'll remember that from the time the four main characters (Marty, Melvin, Gloria & Alex) get onto the island, they don't eat anything. Nothing. Not until the very end of the movie when the shifty penguins introduce them to sushi, do they finally fill their hunger.
This is a very difficult place to be.
Have you ever seen the kid's movie Madagascar?
If so, you'll remember that from the time the four main characters (Marty, Melvin, Gloria & Alex) get onto the island, they don't eat anything.
Nothing.
Not until the very end of the movie when the shifty penguins introduce them to sushi, do they finally fill their hunger.
Every time I watch that movie, I am so bothered the entire time by the fact that they haven't eaten anything, I can hardly enjoy the movie.
There is just an uneasy undercurrent in my mind, because, THEY NEED TO EAT SOMETHING! (It must either be the mother, or the Italian in me).
I have this same feeling when I'm speaking to a woman who has told me that she and her husband are not (or are very rarely) being intimate.
She may have moved on to talk about other things, but my mind is stuck in one place.
Even if she starts telling me about other good things that are going on in her life, there is a siren going off in the back of my mind: DANGER, DANGER, NO SEX, DANGER.
So I often try to gently bring the conversation back around, because this is my thing and I genuinely want to help.
But it's a touchy subject, and I'm often shrugged off, I think for three reasons:
1. It's too personal
2. Women often don't realize what a big deal this is.
3. They dread the thought of facing up to the problems, or changing in that area.
I suspect it's usually a little bit of each.
If you are a woman struggling in this area, I would be so honored if you would allow me the privilege of speaking to your heart for just a moment.
First of all, I want to recognize your heart and who you are.
I don't know you, but I know that marriage advice can feel so much like it ignores your unique situation and the ways you feel mistreated.
If you are not giving yourself sexually to your husband- chances are it's because you feel that your own needs have gone completely overlooked for a long time.
You can tell through your husband's actions and words that he does not really care about your heart.
He has not cherished you, tried to pursue you, has been careless and maybe even downright mean to you.
And pulling back from a man who has not shown true care is about the most natural thing in the world. I understand just where you are coming from!
But I'm going to take a bet on you.
If you are still reading this, I am going to bet that you are a woman after genuine change and healing. Even if the idea scares you, the fact that you're reading this article tells me that you are not just content with this separation from your husband. You want more.
And I'm praying that as you continue reading this, your heart would be flooded with an unknown compassion and understanding about your husband.
I pray that the humblest part of yourself will grasp on to the truths you need to hear- because I really do believe that God wants to heal your heart and marriage, and I'm really hoping you will allow it to happen.
What is sex to a man?
For a man, sex is the primary way he feels accepted and expresses intimacy.
The same way that for most of us women, acceptance and intimacy are felt through good communication, feeling loved and understood- for men, that comes through sex.
If your husband were not speaking to you AT ALL, you would probably completely shut down.
If you and your husband are not being intimate, that is why he has completely shut down to you.
Maybe he is there, day in and day out, doing the physical acts of commitment, but his heart is far away.
(If you are physically unable to be intimate with your husband, please read this.)
If your husband were not speaking to you AT ALL, it might take a little while, but something would eventually spark that part of you that was being ignored: a romance novel, romance movies, someone who you really feel understands you- all of these are unhealthy alternatives to your husband.
Maybe you are there already.
If there is no intimacy happening with your husband, there is a good chance he has found another outlet in masturbation and maybe pornography as well.
That is just the truth- and these things, of course, only divide you further.
Neither of you is winning.
But here is the question that will make all of the difference in the world.
The question that 9 out of 10 times will determine whether your marriage will ultimately thrive or fail.
Are YOU willing to humble yourself?
Are you willing to go to God with your sins and shortcomings, stop fighting against your husband with the huge case you have built against him- turn on your heels and head in a different direction.
The high road where you stand with God and let him do the fighting in your marriage for you.
That might sound overly-simple, but as someone who has counseled many women in relationships over the years, I can tell you that:
Humility is ALWAYS the make or break factor.
Will you allow yourself to fall on the rock and be shattered, as the scripture says, or will you continue to try to push through in your own strength, ignore what God says to you, and ultimately be crushed?
I know this is a harsh truth, but we need to speak the truth to each other in love! And this is it, girl.
As a sister in Christ I want to challenge you to see the bigger picture: The enemy is after your marriage (all of ours!).
More than any other relationship on the planet, marriage can paint the best and most beautiful picture of sacrificial, Christ-like love. And your marriage being whole and healed would not only mean your home and children thriving-
you have no idea what a ray of light a thriving marriage shoots out into the world for God's glory.
Not only that, but a thriving marriage that has survived through hardship is THE MOST gratifying and rewarding earthly blessing!
But the beginning of a healthy marriage is a healthy heart.
And healing a broken marriage requires 3 steps on your part:
1. You need to begin acting respectfully toward your husband.
If you're not even sure what that looks like or why that's important, start here.
2. You need to start cultivating DEEP intimacy with God.
This will be the only thing that saves you.
This needs to be your outlet!
The place you release all of your hurts and feelings. The place to "tell on your husband", and leverage the power of prayer to ask God to begin to change both you and your husband's hearts.
Prayer is your ONLY weapon here. But thank God it is THE most powerful thing on the planet.
I can attest to the power of prayer in my own life and marriage, and it has worked miracles! It is why I created this free resource!
3. Commit to resume intimacy with your husband.
There is just a language that is spoken between a man and woman in intimacy, that can not be spoken any other way. Period.
It has the power to heal and change your marriage from the roots like nothing else!
Don’t just be willing to stay in a sexless marriage.
What the enemy intended for evil for your marriage, God can use for good.
Oh, please believe this today about your own story. Yours.
It can be made into something you can't even imagine now!
All of the pain, all of the hurt, all of the brokenness caused to you by your husband (unintentionally), and by others (maybe very intentionally)-
all of that brokenness you carry around inside of you from your past, that nobody else in the world understands.
God sees you and he knows!
And he is calling you close to himself. And I believe that somewhere deep inside, you know it!
Don't let go, don't lose heart.
Can you stick around for a little bit and take a look at some things I believe can help you as you start on this new path in your marriage?
A couple Free resources you might love! ♡
Putting Your Man in God’s Hands
A 5-day guide to help you:
Let go of control and become the woman you’ve always wanted to be.
Have the courage to believe God’s word above your feelings.
Find the blessing of doing less
Cultivate the power of Respect
Learn how to draw up appropriate boundaries in your marriage.
Healing Your Heart When Your Family-of-origin Was Broken by Divorce
Pin for later!♡
How To Treat Your Husband Like a Man (It's all about respect)
Respect is everything to a man.
I had no idea what this even meant until I picked up the book: Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires. The Respect He Desperately Needs.
God dropped this little book into my hands at the exact right moment and it literally saved my marriage.
It taught me that the same way that MY primary need in a relationship is love, my husband's primary need is respect.
I couldn’t believe what I was reading and I was amazed I had never noticed it before.
That the key to my man’s heart was respect (not love).
I couldn’t wait to try it out.
Respect is everything to a man.
I had no idea what this even meant until I picked up the book: Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires. The Respect He Desperately Needs.
God dropped this little book into my hands at the exact right moment and it literally saved my marriage.
It taught me that the same way that MY primary need in a relationship is love, my husband's primary need is respect.
I couldn’t believe what I was reading and I was amazed I had never noticed it before.
That the key to my man’s heart was respect (not love).
I couldn’t wait to try it out.
I can honestly say that our next phone call was THE turning point in our relationship.
I learned how to speak to my man in a way that built him up and showed admiration. I implemented the tips that the book suggested, and even though it felt so weird and unnatural at first- it changed the course of our entire marriage!
“So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” –Ephesians 5:33
Notice this scripture doesn’t tell wives to love their husbands, and do you know why? Because it comes naturally to us!
We are lovers!!!
But while we may be good at showing our husbands unconditional love, we tend to show them very conditional respect.
And we usually don’t even realize we’re doing it!
But if we would listen to the deepest cry of a man’s heart, we would see that it’s not the same as ours.
What men are usually crying out for is respect.
So here are some practical ways to show respect to your husband:
1. Admire him, support him and be his biggest fan.
In Eggerichs’ book he talks about how a husband wants his wife to be like his cheerleader, like when she was first getting to know him.
Noticing when he does something worthy of praise, listening with admiration to his dreams, and just reassuring him of her approval.
Men feed off of positive affirmation and we need to put time and effort into doing this. Letting a man know he is admired and affirming him means everything to him!!
2. Squash the negative talk.
With men, what you focus on will flourish, so talk him up!!
Talk him up to your family, your friends, you children and to him. Verbal praise goes a LONG way!
And if there is an issue where you need help or advice, go to godly people for godly advice.
Nothing kills respect quicker than negative talk or talking about someone behind their back.
3. Be on his team.
If you are on his team, he will open up and draw close to you.
If you are always accusing him, he will pull away.
Your husband is an imperfect human being and makes lots of mistakes, no doubt.
Lust is a huge issue that men typically battle with. Even good men.
A lot of women make the mistake of using disrespect to try to get their man to open up to them. But disrespect makes a man shrink away and close up toward you. It sends the message that you’re not on his team.
For a long time, I made the mistake of poking, prodding and trying to get my husband to confess all kinds of things, and it always made him pull away and become defensive.
It wasn’t until I learned to put him in God’s hands, that I was able to find the peace, be on his team and encourage him to be a better man.
Just as hasty disrespect makes a man close up, wise and well-intentioned respect helps a man to open up.
If you want to dig deeper into this concept, and learn more practical techniques to show respect to your husband- or if you want to dive into a book that will help you both to be better in meeting eachothers’ needs- I would highly recommend reading: Love and Respect.
In closing, I pray that you would have the humility to implement these principals in your marriage.
That you would allow yourself to soften as a woman and wife, and allow God to bring your thinking into a more beautiful and bright place.
And that you would experience a plentiful harvest as a reward!!
“When a wife respects her husband she does not become a doormat, in fact, he starts rolling out the red carpet for her.”- Emmerson Eggerichs
Free Resource You Might Love!
Putting Your Man in God’s Hands
a FREE 5-day guide to help you:
Let go of control and become the woman you’ve always wanted to be.
Have the courage to believe God’s word above your feelings.
Find the blessing of doing less
Cultivate the power of Respect
Learn how to draw up appropriate boundaries in your marriage.
What to do when intimacy has ceased in your marriage
Pin for later!♥
Inner Child Healing for The Christian Woman
The Inner Child is another name for the embodiment of concealed emotions and damage done to you by negative childhood experiences.
This usually involves the relationship dynamic (or lack thereof) with your parents.
We have all had bad experiences in our childhood, some more than others, and there are a lot of ways that these relational experiences affect us and manifest in our adult life.
The Inner Child is another name for the embodiment of concealed emotions and damage done to you by negative childhood experiences.
This usually involves the relationship dynamic (or lack thereof) with your parents.
If you are a Christian woman looking to identify and heal your inner child issues, but want to steer of going down an ungodly “rabbit-trail”, you are in the right place, my dear!
The first step to inner child healing is to identify what happened to you.
If you are new to this process and have not yet taken steps to bring these issues to the surface in a safe, Christian context, I’ve created a free e-course called Healing Your Heart When Your Family of Origin Was Broken By Divorce, to help you through this process.
No two stories are exactly the same, but I can assure you of this:
Growing up without solid primary examples to model a healthy marriage, relationships, priorities and life balance, leaves us each to come away with our own mixed-bag of quirky, self-sabotaging tendencies.
And although we have grown up and moved on from our past, these issues will usually show up in our most important and close relationships, with the people we are called to love and nurture.
More than anywhere else, they show up in our own marriage.
my own inner-child Marriage issues
Now again, we are all different here, each with our own unique stories and heartaches.
Because of what I went through as a preteen and teenager, I was manifesting behaviors consistent with childhood emotional neglect and parentification (If you are not familiar with parentification, check out this article: Sign You Were a Parentified Daughter, And How it Can Show Up in Your Marriage).
Here is how those issues were showing up in my marriage:
Always apologizing
Find it hard to ask spouse for help or a favor- trying to always just do it myself
Getting angry when I can’t just do it myself
Forgo altercation or confrontation for the sake of keeping harmony
Low body esteem- not wanting husband to see me naked
Picking out my flaws- driving him crazy with self-criticism
When there is an altercation, I would always fixate on what I could have done differently- forgetful that he is a fault-prone human as well
Not feeling secure in my marriage, but like it is based on my performance
Didn’t feel I had value unless I was giving to others
Sounds pretty pathetic now that I’m reading it over. It sound like someone with very low self-esteem. But that is who I was.
Figuratively speaking, there was a little girl on the inside who stopped being guided, valued and nurtured and therefore did not reach some important social and emotional milestones in her youth.
And when we have this kind of brokenness, it’s almost as if the little girl stays on the inside always trying to get her needs met, scared that she might be found out.
Inner childhood issues and shame usually go hand-in-hand.
Conventional Inner-Child Work
Mainstream Inner Child Healing deals a lot with comforting, soothing, acting on behalf of, and even re-parenting your hurt inner child. The idea is you give her what she needed then, to help her get unstuck and move forward .
Almost as if you are taking her by the hand and walking her into adulthood.
I believe there are times when it’s appropriate to do things for yourself that other people never did, and that healthy and reasonable self-care should remain a priority for all women.
But I also believe that one of the biggest deceptions aimed at women right now is self-focus to the detriment of the godly priorities we are called to as women.
The Titus 2 priorities of our home, our husband and our children.
As Christian women, I believe we should not follow a me first model, but rather a me too one!
A Better Approach
I believe in a Christ-centered approach to life, and therefore healing as well.
None of us will ever understand fully what we went through and what our needs are today, but God is so good in that he does not require us to take “all the correct steps” in order to heal and thrive.
He simply tells us to seek him first, and he will add all the rest (Matthew 6:33).
That scripture is my story.
And as I have tried to deal with these certain dysfunctional aspects of my past- I have tried to do so in a way that does not put the problem or the healing at the center of my universe, but STILL HIM.
I have done a lot of work over the past year on “healing my inner child” and have even seen a therapist for some of this work.
When I’m processing new information I’ve read or learned, it’s always looked at in light of my faith in Jesus and his word. Nothing trumps my belief in HIM and his healing power.
And trust me when I tell you there was A LOT of eat-the-meat-spit-out-the-bones happening as I processed these issues from my past.
I was not able to find a whole lot of resources specifically for Christian women when it came to inner-child healing, which is why I created this resource below as a starting point for other women.
I hope you find it helpful in your own journey!
And more than that, I hope you know how deeply loved and treasured you are, and I wish you the best in your healing journey!♥
Healing Your ♥ When Your Family of Origin was Broken by Divorce
A FREE 7-DAY E-MAIL COURSE TO HELP YOU:
Identify deeply-rooted issues from your broken past
Find peace and trust as you allow God to surface these issues
Continually walk toward a full healing
Flourish in your marriage and home
Step out of old, ingrained thought-patterns and into the woman you were created to be!
Pin for later!♥
What Southern Women Understand About Men
My family and I are spending the week in a little coastal town in Georgia that we love!
Being a clean-cut, Christian family in the Northeast can feel lonely at times.
Here is GA, just seeing the genuine smiles and the polite interactions- the hey ya’ll’s and God bless you’s- is like fresh air to our souls!!
There is also a different kind of sweetness between men and women here.
My family and I are spending the week in a little coastal town in Georgia that we love!
Being a clean-cut, Christian family in the Northeast can feel lonely at times.
Here is GA, just seeing the genuine smiles and the polite interactions- the hey ya’ll’s and God bless you’s- is like fresh air to our souls!!
There is also a different kind of sweetness between men and women here.
This morning I was walking barefoot back from the beach, stepping carefully on the hot wooden walkway leading me away from the sand. I was soaking up the sunshine, the ocean breeze and the friendly conversations taking place around me.
As I passed a group of young people in their early 20’s heading toward the beach, I saw two young men each holding the handle of a GIANT cooler. The cooler was obviously very heavy, as they were carrying supplies for their whole group.
I overheard one of the muscular young-men jokingly say: “does anyone else feel like the beach is a mile away right now?”
The whole group snickered.
Then about 10 seconds later, I heard one of the young ladies say something that nearly made my heart leap out of my chest.😍
She said to the strapping young men carrying the cooler, in her sweet southern accent:
“I just want ya’ll to know that we appreciate you SO much.”
It was a small thing, really.
Something that could have easily gone overlooked.
But to me it stood out like a neon sign.
Why? Because I NEVER hear women say things like that where I’m from.
Where I’m from, it is culturally OPPOSITE for women to show respect, gratitude or appreciation for the strength of a man. And in some of the most “progressive” circles, it has become taboo to even acknowledge gender differences- let alone compliment them.
I have 3 sons, and do you know what each one of them likes and appreciates most from me?
When I watch and acknowledge how strong, fast, smart or good at something they are.
NOTHING makes them light up more than when I pay attention to and appreciate their skills and strength.
Men are no different.
They want to be appreciated for their strengths and skills. They want to serve and prove worthy of respect.
And when they get this kind of respect and affirmation from their lady, it’s like throwing gasoline on a fire!!! (In all the best ways.)
If your man does not like to serve you and his family, it could be because his efforts have gone unappreciated or undermined in the past. This makes men shell up.
Plus many of us never had someone teach us how to give praise, encouragement and respect to our man, so it just doesn’t feel natural to us.
I didn’t even know about this concept myself until I picked up Emmerson Eggriches book Love and Respect, which basically taught me this:
Just like we women have a deep desire to be LOVED, a man’s most basic need is to be RESPECTED.
It’s true.
So what do many women in the south know that we don’t?
They know how to treat men like men, and how to encourage them in that special way that only a lady can.
It is more in their upbringing and culture.
And in my opinion, it makes for a simpler, healthier and more easy-going attraction!☀️
A few resources you might love!
Putting Your Man in God’s Hands
A FREE 5-DAY GUIDE TO HELP YOU:
Let go of control and become the woman you’ve always wanted to be.
Have the courage to believe God’s word above your feelings.
Find the blessing of doing less
Cultivate the power of Respect
Learn how to draw up appropriate boundaries in your marriage.
How To Win Your Husband’s Heart Back & Have a Fresh Start In Your Marriage >> ARTICLE
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The One Thing I Said That Won My Husband’s Heart Back for Keeps
I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth as I was about to speak words into the phone that felt so fake and unnatural to me.
We were not even married yet.
Yet, we were going on four years of the most bipolar and dysfunctional relationship you can imagine. I was exhausted.
I knew we loved each other deep down, but we could not make our relationship work.
I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth as I was about to speak words into the phone that felt so fake and unnatural to me.
We were not even married yet.
Yet, we were going on four years of the most bipolar and dysfunctional relationship you can imagine. I was exhausted.
I knew we loved each other deep down, but we could not make our relationship work. There had been too much lying, distrust, jealousy and brokenness that it felt impossible for us to ever be a normal, happy couple. (If this is you and you are NOT MARRIED yet, click here.)
I was in the habit of protecting myself from him, yet I still loved him so much.
To complicate things ever further, he was living in Georgia and I was back home in Massachusetts raising our son.
Complicated is an understatement.
But I had just finished reading the first three chapters of Emerson Eggerich’s book Love & Respect. Earlier that day it had jumped out at me at the bookstore, seemingly begging me to read it.
This must have been God’s hand at work.
As soon as I opened this book I was hooked.
For the first time in my life, I was reading about a man’s deepest needs, and how they were different than mine.
And in my attempt to show Derek all of these years that I LOVED him, I had completely ignored his enormous need to feel RESPECTED.
It was a simple concept, yet so foreign to me, and my head was spinning as I read example after example of women trying this new language and how it immediately changed their marriage.
I wasn’t sure I bought it, which is why I was clenching my eyes and teeth as I was about to try this experiment in my own relationship.
On a man who had been sending me mixed signals for over a year. Saying he loved me and yet not having the emotional or spiritual maturity to back it up with his actions.
It didn’t matter. I loved him and I could see forever in his eyes. I wanted to make things work.
So through my clenched teeth, I spoke these words into the phone:
“I just want to let you know that I respect your decision to stay there and work- and I trust your judgment.”
I was purposeful to use the word respect, and let him know I trusted him.
Silence.
And then came these words back through the phone:
“WOW!…..Well, your Christmas present just got a lot bigger!”
Ha! So cheesy I know, but I don’t think he even knew how to respond. He was literally scrambling for words!
I was shocked at how quickly I could tell this was unlike anything I had ever learned about relationships. This respect-talk thing WORKED!
For me, this began the journey of letting go.
I stopped trying to control so many things and I started just being the lady, and respecting my man.
Somehow it also helped me to start being more responsive and verbally express trust and gratitude in a way that speaks directly to his heart.
Derek and I have now been married for 11+ years.
He has grown to be a man who I admire, admonish and truly respect more than any other person I know. He loves the Lord, is a great husband and father and is a leader to other men.
Our reconciliation all those years ago, as well as our success and happiness as a couple today, is largely due to the principals of love and respect that God brought to my attention all of those years ago.
If you are struggling with intimacy, cohesion and communication with your man, I understand what that is like, I realize there could be layers upon layers of distrust and hurt.
But sometimes the simplest act of ladylike trust and respect for your husband can cut through layers of built-up walls and give you a fresh start in your marriage.
Try it!
2 Free Resources You Might Love!
Putting Your Man in God’s Hands
A FREE 5-DAY GUIDE TO HELP YOU:
Let go of control and become the woman you’ve always wanted to be.
Have the courage to believe God’s word above your feelings.
Find the blessing of doing less
Cultivate the power of Respect
Learn how to draw up appropriate boundaries in your marriage.
Give a Shape To Your Dream>>
FREE MINI-COURSE
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How To Win Your Husband's Heart Back & Have A Fresh Start In Your Marriage
How would it feel to have a fresh start in your marriage?
A blank canvas! Can you even imagine it?
Some of us have forgotten that deep longing we use to have for a deep and beautiful love story.
The magic is gone and all that is left is disappointment.
Pent-up frustrations and anger win each day as the needle on the “love-meter” moves further and further into the negative. Sometimes it has been stuck in the negative for so long that things just feel hopeless.
I remember living that way and it is EXHAUSTING.
But during some of the hardest and messiest times, God started to open my eyes, and strip away everything that I thought I knew about my relationship with my man.
And the things that He showed me ushered in an entirely fresh start for us!
How would it feel to have a fresh start in your marriage?
A blank canvas! Can you even imagine it?
Some of us have forgotten that deep longing we use to have for a deep and beautiful love story.
The magic is gone and all that is left is disappointment.
Pent-up frustrations and anger win each day as the needle on the “love-meter” moves further and further into the negative. Sometimes it has been stuck in the negative for so long that things just feel hopeless.
I remember living that way and it is EXHAUSTING.
But during some of the hardest and messiest times, God started to open my eyes, and strip away everything that I thought I knew about my relationship with my man.
And the things that He showed me ushered in an entirely fresh start for us!
So I am here to tell you that you can start over- and to help you find the winning game plan for your new start!
But first I want to tell you this:
When I am counseling a woman, nothing spells trouble more than if she is telling me all of the hurtful and awful thing her spouse does, but refuses to talk about her own mistakes or what she could be doing better.
Humility.
In a nutshell, I believe that humility is the key ingredient to a healthy marriage that will last.
And it often only takes ONE spouse to focus on what they can be doing better, rather than on what their spouse should be doing better. The willingness to try something better and wiser, and patiently wait for a change.
(Let me pause right here and say that I AM not talking about instances of abuse. If you are in an abusive relationship please read this disclaimer.)
Right now, I’m calling on you to step up and be the bigger person in your marriage.
I’m calling on you, to ask God for help.
And from my own experience of a MIRACULOUS transformation in my own relationship, and from counseling dozens of women, here is what I believe is your winning game plan:
1. Let the natural attraction take back over. Forget the rest.
Chances are good that your relationship with your husband has become complicated.
All of the times he has let you down, caused you pain, or not prioritized the right thing is like another knot in a messy ball of string. And by now that ball of string has become so twisted and knotted, it seems impossible to untangle or unwind.
He knows this. He knows he has let you down beyond repair and undoing that knot feels impossible.
Many women hold this over their husband’s head and make him feel as though he is responsible for un-doing the knot, rebuilding trust and making things right. This drains the life right out of him and makes him feel like he starts every day in the negative- like a HUGE debt hanging over his head.
Men thrive on feeling like a hero to their woman- THAT is what gives him energy.
And when he feels like a failure, he will lose the motivation to rise up and prove himself, because he knows that you DO NOT see him as a hero, but only as someone who has let you down and hurt you.
The question is no longer about whether or not he deserves this, and what he did- but my question to you now is: do you want your marriage to be good, and do you want it to last?
If so, you need to give him a clean slate. You must cut up that ball of string and throw it away. Only you can do this because you are the one who is holding it.
(If this all sounds impossible, please hold on until step 2.)
But, right now I want to ask you:
Do you first remember what attracted you to your husband?
How maybe you couldn’t keep your hands off each other when you were first falling in love?
I’ve heard it said that the enemy does everything he can do get a couple to be intimate before they are married, and then everything he can to keep them apart after they are married.
It’s so true!
You better believe that they enemy is doing everything in his power to turn you and your husband away from eachother and keep you from being intimate.
(To see this concept illustrated better, watch the movie War Room! It is a beautiful and inspiring story of a woman who finally realizes she is fighting the enemy in her marriage, not her husband.)
So what I’m asking you to do is this:
Cut that ball of string up and throw it away!!!!!!!!!
Instead of making your husband “earn” your attraction, your love and your trust- just start giving those things to him freely on a daily basis.
Ask God for the strength to give your husband a clean slate even tonight when he walks through the door.
See him through the eyes of a woman who is madly in love with him.
Laugh with him, flirt with him- keep it light. Make love to him, then kiss him, thank him, smile at him and fall asleep.
This might sound silly but sometimes, while my husband is at work, I like to go into his closet, stick my face into all of his shirts and just breathe in his scent. I know that’s ridiculous, but I LOVE how my man smells. It is the same scent as back when we were initially falling in love and it is always something about him that just DOES IT for me! It cuts through all of the complicated thoughts, and just makes me feel like a woman in love with her man.
And I want my marriage to be simple, natural and playful in that way: just a woman in love with her man.
Do you have the courage to let go of all of the score cards and everything else and just be a woman in love with her man?
2. Replace whatever is sitting on the thrown of your heart with JESUS♥️
Jesus is the only man worthy to sit on the throne of your heart.
And when you are not spending time DAILY with him, something or someone else (or multiple somethings or someones) will become your God; your source of security, sustenance and happiness.
Maybe you don’t realize that you have made your spouse responsible for your happiness, instead of Christ.
This is one of the easiest and most common mistakes I see in marriages.
If this resonates with you, I have created a wonderful free resource called: Putting Your Man In God’s Hands, that I think will help you tremendously!
The bottom line is that rather than trying to control your man, it is TIME to release him into God’s hands, pray for him fervently, and watch God be the one to transform his HEART (rather than just his behavior.
Here is a scripture I prayed over my husband for years:
“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith--that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.”- Ephesians 3:14-19
Prayer is SO powerful that I have literally watched these specific transformations in my husband take place before my eyes:
My husband’s spirit, mind and body have strengthened tremendously.
His reputation, position and favor with people has increased every year.
He is able to interact with other people based in love and care for the right things, rather than greed, shallowness, pride or perversion like his old self.
And lastly, he, more than ANYONE I know, can see the bigger picture and see other people’s intentions for what they are. I feel God has truly helped him to comprehend “with all the saints, what is the breadth and length and height and depth”- and is increasingly filling him “with the fullness of God.”
Prayer works better than anything else we could ever do for our husband.
If you are new to this, this a great book to help you pray for your man!
Let your daily time with Jesus be your primary place to vent, repent, say the deepest things of your heart, release all of your feelings and anger, and WATCH the transformation in your heart and marriage that takes place!
3. Be the lady.
It is so simple, and yet we try to be so much more.
What a relief for those of us who are use to always doing more, always trying harder and always trying to figure everything else.
You are not called to be the husband, the man, the leader and the one who figures everything out.
All you have to do is be the lady.
It’s simpler, lighter and more freeing than you can imagine.
But it is a learned art, for sure.
The best way we can begin to be the lady of our home is to start showing respect to our man verbally and with our actions. Nothing will make him want to step up as the man more than this.
But again, this does not come naturally, so if you are not sure where to start please check out this article here!
Respect was the biggest catalyst in shifting my own relationship.
Whenever it feels like your marriage is struggling or not where it should be, these three steps are an excellent reset button to get your heart, your mind and your marriage back on the right track.
Do them purposefully and consistently, and WATCH how it completely changes the nature of your marriage!!
Two Free things You Might Love!
Putting Your Man in God’s Hands
A 5-DAY GUIDE TO HELP YOU
Let go of control and become the woman you’ve always wanted to be.
Have the courage to believe God’s word above your feelings.
Find the blessing of doing less
Cultivate the power of Respect
Learn how to draw up appropriate boundaries in your marriage.
How To Start Your Dream Business
FREE COURSE!
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The Bright Side of Staying Home: 3 Ways The Quarantine Has Been A Blessing
As we are all in this hunkered-down state, I can’t help but feel a certain sense of peace about how all of this is happening.
As believers in Christ, we are already attuned to the fact that God is in control no matter what. Not that fear or disappointment never creeps in for us, but the “peace that passes understanding” is real, and at times like this we can see that distinct mark.
I was talking to a friend the other day and we both echoed back what the other was feeling: This has brought about a lot of GOOD things. It has helped us to re-focus on things that REALLY MATTER.
Again, I am not blind to the tragedy. But I want to point out a few of the REALLY GOOD things taking place because of the restrictions this virus has enforced:
DISCLAIMER:
I am not in any way trying to downplay the tragedies occurring due to this virus. The purpose of this article is to bring light to some of the good things happening because we are forced to stay at home. If you think this material will offend you, please don’t proceed.
As we are all in this hunkered-down state, I can’t help but feel a certain sense of peace about how all of this is happening.
As believers in Christ, we are already attuned to the fact that God is in control no matter what. Not that fear or disappointment never creeps in for us, but the “peace that passes understanding” is real, and at times like this we can see that distinct mark.
I was talking to a friend the other day and we both echoed back what the other was feeling: This has brought about a lot of GOOD things. It has helped us to re-focus on things that REALLY MATTER.
Again, I am not blind to the tragedy. But I want to point out a few of the REALLY GOOD things taking place because of the restrictions this virus has enforced:
1. It has made us realize the state that our family is REALLY in.
When you are all stuck together under one roof for this many days, there is really no hiding what the issues are.
The lack of harmony amongst siblings is suddenly obvious.
The little annoyances are “annoying-er”.
The angry temper on that child is sticking out like a soar thumb.
Issues in our own hearts and marriages that were easy to distract ourselves from are suddenly brought front and center.
Many people are realizing they can’t stand their own family! It’s sad.
Rather than schools, jobs and activities holding everything in place, Mom and Dad must now create a schedule for the family that is healthy and balanced- when really, this is probably something we should have been doing all along.
Personally, I have realized A LOT during this time about what I want on my family’s schedule, and what I don’t. For some reason, this time has just made that more clear.
It has also made me want to be better, and more in-tune as a mom.
Our families (spouse and children) should come second only to God- yet many of us have lost touch with connecting and stewarding the most important responsibilities and relationships He has given us.
We have become too busy and our minds have been on other things.
My prayer is that this time would be a wake-up call.
That instead of finding other distractions (like alcohol, social media or entertainment) to get us through- that we would fully let all of this sink in. That through realization, repentance and realignment - we would begin fresh, with a new vision for stewarding our family and our time.
We’ve needed this!
And I pray that we would be courages enough to make the changes we feel God leading us to make.
2. It is forcing us to take a real rest.
For several years now I’ve been something of a minimalist.
My family has made it a practice to say “no” to most opportunities and invitations that come our way, so we can do a good job at the few things that matter and maintain a schedule that allows for regular restful time at home. (We have 4 kids, so I use the word restful loosely.)
But EVEN STILL, this new level of “nothingness” happening right now, has made me realize how much we have TRULY needed THIS kind of rest.
I feel we have all needed a real rest and God is giving it to us.
Did you know that before the Israelites entered the promise land, they were told that every 7 years, they were not to plant any crops so even the land had a chance to rest and replenish itself? And all debts incurred by the poor were to be forgiven on the seventh year as well?
We live in such a fast-pace, get-ahead time, that these kinds of socioeconomic practices are unthinkable!!
We don’t even honor the Sabbath Day, let alone a Sabbath Year!
And as believers we need to WAKE UP to the fact that rest and Sabbath are no longer a given. They are something we must purpose and make space for. (Even youth sports have crept over into Sundays.)
God has blessed us right now with this cushion of rest, and I pray that this time would not only help us REMEMBER how to be together- but also how to REST together!!
And that we would LOVE it and crave after it so much that we would reinstate the idea of a weekly Sabbath, as well as longer periods of REAL rest.
3. It is encouraging us to re-think our children’s education.
One of my children had just recently begun having a really tough time with school. There was tension with a couple of his peers among other things, and being that his class is very small and generally tight-nit, he was definitely feeling it.
At 16-years-old, for the first time ever, I watched him begin to loathe going to school. I could also see how these changes began effecting his health. He is normally a very upbeat and happy kid, who suddenly became tired, overwhelmed and stressed much of the time.
I had been praying for about two weeks for God’s hand to be on my family and my son, to get through the end of school. Three months felt like forever in an environment that suddenly felt toxic for him.
I can’t even describe the relief he has experienced and the weight I have watched come off of his shoulders, now getting to do school from home.
I have been talking to some other moms who are tuning into their children’s education for the very first time.
It can be scary to see the gaps and short-comings because we know we are ultimately responsible for their education and we don’t want to let them down. Tuning in is a GREAT thing.
When our children are at school all day it is easy to assume that things are going generally well, and that they are learning everything they need to know. But that is often not the case.
Teachers are human beings too, and just like within any other profession, there are some who are EXCEPTIONAL at what they do, but many who are just skating by. Add on top of this unbalanced policies, and dysfunctional behaviors of other students, and it is no wonder so many children come home stressed, anxious or just completely drained after school.
Many schools and teachers are WONDERFUL, for sure! But this has definitely become more the exception than the rule.
I have found myself praying many times over the last several weeks for the hearts of mothers and fathers to tune in to their children. I’ve also prayed for some parents to realize that homeschooling really is possible and to desire it.
Over the last several months God has shifted mine and my husband’s heart tremendously in this area, and we are now planning to homeschool our children next year.
I know this is not feasible for everyone- but I hope that the involvement and stepping into the role of primary-educator will stick for parents, regardless of what their children do for schooling next year.
I hope your family is finding peace, joy, provision and togetherness in this time!
2 Great Courses You Might Love!
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Signs You Were a Parentified Daughter, And How it Can Show Up in Your Marriage
Parentification happens when a child takes on the role of caretaker in place of the parent.
They may be responsible for the care of themselves, their siblings and/or a parent.
Instead of being loved, nurtured and cared for, the child must sacrifice their own needs to meet the needs of others. This often happens without the child even realizing it, as it just becomes the everyday norm.
Parentification happens when a child takes on the role of caretaker in place of the parent.
They may be responsible for the care of themselves, their siblings and/or a parent.
Instead of being loved, nurtured and cared for, the child must sacrifice their own needs to meet the needs of others. This often happens without the child even realizing it, as it just becomes the everyday norm.
As an adult, the following symptoms can emerge:
You spend a great deal of your time caring for others
Low self-esteem
Background sense of shame
Always in the role of emotional caretaker
Seldom get your own needs met
Are always alert about acting in ways that please others
Conform to other peoples’ wishes and desires
Feel unreasonably responsible for other peoples’ feelings, care and welfare
You are self-deprecating
You are quick to maintain harmony and sooth other peoples’ feelings
Don’t feel you have value unless you are giving to others
Does this sound like you?
If so, here are some common ways that these symptoms can spill over into your marriage:
Always apologizing
Find it hard to ask your spouse for help or a favor- you try to just do it yourself
Forgo altercation or confrontation for the sake of keeping harmony
Low body esteem- not wanting your spouse to see you naked
Picking out your flaws- driving your spouse crazy with self-criticism
When there is an altercation, you often feel it was your fault and fixate on what you could have done differently
Forgetful that your spouse is a fault-prone human as well
Not feeling secure in your marriage, but like it is based on your performance
Don’t feel you have value unless you are giving to others
Why do we turn out this way?
You would almost be tempted to think that a child with a lot of responsibility would grow up to be mature and highly competent (and we are in many ways). But it comes at a great price. Because we did not have adequate nurturing and guidance, there are many important social and emotional milestones that were never reached.
Furthermore, we get so used to “playing” adult, that we grow up with a hidden sense of shame. Like the little girl hiding inside of us just might be discovered. (For more on the inner-child, check out this article: How Your Broken Family-of-Origin is Affecting Your Marriage, And How to Begin Healing)
How this can make us feel toward our spouse
As I began to uncover the traces of this hidden baggage I had been unknowingly carrying around through my adult life, my first feelings toward my husband were anger and suspicion. Had he been taking advantage of my caregiving, people-pleasing nature all of these years? Was I being duped?
I thought, “If I am really like this and he is not, then surely the scale has been tipped in his favor this whole time.”
The enemy is ALWAYS after our thought-process toward our husband, isn’t he?
My husband is not a perfect man, but he is my partner in life and the father of my four children. I know his intentions toward me are not malicious or fowl, despite what I might feel sometimes. Furthermore, I can get so fixated on my own perceptions that I forget that I have already given my life fully over to a heavenly father who loves and promises to look out for me. My well-being is in HIS hands and I trust him.
I’m sorry.
If you were a parentified daughter, I just want to say I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that you weren’t given a full and beautiful childhood with two parents who cared deeply for your needs, as parents are supposed to.
I’m sure that every part of your childhood was not bad- but there were definitely some important areas in which you were neglected and hurt. Again, I’m so sorry this happened to you.
If you are looking for a good starting point for opening up and dealing with some issues from your childhood, I just released a free 7-day email course you can check out below.
I hope you will find this helpful in your healing journey!
Healing Your ♥ When Your Family of Origin was Broken by Divorce
A FREE 7-DAY E-MAIL COURSE TO HELP YOU:
Identify deeply-rooted issues from your broken past
Find peace and trust as you allow God to surface these issues
Continually walk toward a full healing
Flourish in your marriage and home
Step out of old, ingrained thought-patterns and into the woman you were created to be!
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This is a personal writing project meant to express my feelings and thoughts, not to be used in place of God’s word. Anything good and true that I write is only because he has blessed and gifted me to do so, but I am a sinner, saved by grace, and am prone to weakness, bias, harshness and fault. I hope that my words can lead you to seek more of your own personal walk with Christ, because HE is only place you will find real TRUTH and satisfaction.