Are Your Dreams an Idol?

Ambitious. Goal-setter. Go-getter. These are all words with a very positive connotation in our culture. Our achieving, writing, dreaming, making, entrepreneurial culture. We have our sights set on it; that goal, that dream, that version of ourself that we want to get to. We'll find the right graphics, make the perfect business card and website, make the right connections. 

I look online for a Christian life-coach and I find some. Ones who will listen to my plans and dreams and help me to get there. To what I want- not what God wants.

What does God want from me? We get scared away from this because of what we don't want to give up. Push and pace and cell phones and starvation. And women who were meant to be full, child-bearing, well-nourished beauties- push and starve themselves hollow of anything rich and good and true, to chase an elusive skinny, successful shadow. A picture on their new website, and how many likes? We can surround ourselves with meaningless noise and make it feel so right.

What are you chasing? What are you running away from God for? It's not worth it!

For me, it's the comfort of my bed in the morning. It's warm blankets that lull me away because they feel so pure and warm and nice. It's cozy. It's comfortable. It's warmth. These comforts that lure me away from the presence of my savior in the morning and into a sweet, dense fog. They trick me into how I start my day almost every morning. Wishing I had gotten up sooner. Wishing I had spent time with my savior and allowed him to adjust my vision, wake me up, REALLY wake me up and fill me with his Holy Spirit and peace. Help, God. 

It's all the difference in the world.

Then in the afternoon when I finally get a chance to have my quiet time, it's this: My dreams and hopes of success. 

Am I praying to find Jesus and surrender myself to him? But I really want a blog and a book and a ministry- but I need his blessing, his covering, his unction to fall upon me with the right words to write. I want him, but I want him because I want what he has to offer me. All he can help me to accomplish. His peace, his blessing. And I know this, and I don't feel shame. And in my sin nature I keep coming back for just enough of him. Just enough to get by and keep moving forward. Just enough for my selfish peace of mind. Shame on me. Shame on us. Let us break open at his feet today and get honest about what we've really been wanting. What we've really been aiming for. God help us!

Proverbs 14:12

Proverbs 16:25

Instagram Feelings

Instagram makes me want to upgrade my life, now. Nicer house? Yes, please. Skinnier body? Yes, please. Minimalistic, #girlboss with cute clothes? Yes, yes, yes please! 

We live in a strange culture and in strange times. The level of self-absorption and superficiality on social media is incredible, and yet we can’t stop looking. We can’t stop taking in this toxic and mesmerizing parade, hoping somehow it will enlighten and motivate us to a better version of ourselves. 

We even see Christian leaders flaunting and building themselves up, and it can all be very confusing. Aren’t we called to be different? I can relate to what the psalmist must have been feeling when he wrote:

“They have all fallen away; together they have become corrupt; there is none who does good, not even one.” (Psalm 53:3, English Standard Version)

Oh God, please help us. Can we all just collectively admit for a moment how guilty we are here? How prone to the same DEEP pitfalls we are; envy, vanity, selfishness and idolatry? When it comes to our use of social media, most of us are way beyond needing some peppy, encouraging advice about humility. Most of us are in need of deep repentance. To come to God’s feet in complete honesty, and allow our deepest motives to unfold before Him. We need a genuine healing and perspective-shift. We need a new start.

Can I confess something to you? I only spent two measly weeks on Insta before I called it quits. 

I couldn’t hack it. It was weighing me down and I didn’t have a clear grasp on how I wanted to use it. I lacked the strength of purpose that could have helped me rise above the more inconsequential battles I was having: the jealousy of other women, the discouragement of feeling insignificant and behind, and the indignation I felt over the mass-deception taking place in front of my eyes. 

I feel silly admitting this to you. Like a little girl throwing a tantrum because she can’t handle reality. But aren’t we all really just little girls on the inside? Fragile, and desperate for love, attention and our own little brand of stardom?

We have a Father who is waiting to give us all that we need and so much more. As we learn to walk closely with Him, our hearts will be full and satisfied beyond what we knew possible. Maybe we will use Instagram or other social media, but if we do, let it be with God’s real love and purpose pulsing through us so we can see from above. Not in arrogance, but in a true humility that desires to serve and love people; not envy others and elevate ourselves. 

Thank you God, that you have called us to better things.

Hearing Psalm 73 was a powerful turning point for me, so much so that I rewrote it in my own words. If you need to read and pray these words, my hope is that this would be a starting point to lead you into a deeper and more honest connection with Jesus. 

God is good to us who are pure in heart. My feet almost stumbled and slipped because I was envious of those I was seeing on Instagram. I was envious of these people living beautiful-looking lives, with strength and pride in themselves. They are finding real prosperity!

They are not in pain, they are skinny, they seem to have enough money, look healthy and they don't look downcast or in trouble like the people I know in real life. Therefore they are happy in their skin and with their lives and they flaunt it for everyone to see. They sit above us and laugh and clink champagne glasses with their friends, and we all start looking to THEM (not God) for who we want to be like. They don't really believe that God knows best or that he's even listening to and seeing all they are doing. And this is what wicked people get? Great wealth and an easy life? What!? Am I am idiot for having tried to stay pure all these years? For trying to live a Christian life and not flaunt my own wealth or successes? What have I been doing? What a waste! I should have at least been building some sort of credentials or plan for success. But I am home with my small children everyday, living this dreary life, playing maid to my family. And if I tried to do any differently I feel that I would be betraying the calling you have placed on my life. So why them and not me?

When I tried to figure all of this out, it seemed too confusing. Until I went into prayer and you showed me what eternity will look like for the wicked. Sometimes I forget that nobody really gets away with anything, and you ARE watching this all.

The wicked, deceiving people will have their time, be it here on earth, or when their life is finished. They will come to ruin and be destroyed in a moment. You see what is happening and they will have their run in with you. In the brief time that I was trying to be like them, I was turning away from you also. I was brutish and ignorant, and didn't want to look at you. I was angry at you because I thought for all this time you were trying to make me a loser. 

Nevertheless, you gently took my heart and steered it back to you, and now I again am grasping your hand and walking by your side. And YOU will guide me here on Earth, and after I am finished here I will be with you there. What do I really have other than you? Everything on this earth is empty without you, and when my heart stops beating, you will still be with me. I am yours and you are mine forever.

For behold, those who are far away from you will perish. You will do away with all of this evil. But for me, it is good to be near God. I have made him my safety and will spend myself in this life telling people about his great works. 

When you wish you had more self-discipline

This is what it feels like to have poor self-discipline: 

You're laying in bed angry, frustrated and wishing you had gotten up earlier. The baby is crying in his room, and you had been doing SO well for 2 weeks straight- getting up to have your quiet time, exercising and sticking to that eating plan. What happened?

It feels like you can't stick to anything longterm.

Why can my husband make a decision, and flip a switch and start a new habit like a robot? And I am constantly flopping and failing in my goals. Is it because he played sports, and stuck with things and learned at an early age that he can't listen to his feelings all the time? My childhood was pretty much the opposite- all feelings, not much sticking-it-out. I use to feel angry that my parents never made me stick with something long term. Soccer, piano, tennis, dance, anything. It would be so nice to have a refined skill set, and fully developed my potential in even just one area.

Do you wish for the same?

Do you ever wish you had really seen something through? That someone was there cheering you on and helping you always take the next right step?

Do you, like me, now feel handicapped (and a little resentful at times) that you can't seem to stick with healthy changes in your life for the long haul? 

Well, dear, if that is you too, then I want to remind us both of something:

"God uses all things together for the good for those who love him and are called according to his purposes." Romans 8:28

This scripture is just the best. Whenever we are tempted to focus on the ways that we were short-changed or overlooked, BOOM, Romans 8:28. I just love it.

Because I don't know about you, but the truth is that it was in all of my FAILING that I came to Christ. And it is all of my failing, weak moments that still make me cry out and realize how much I need him. (And it is my failing moments- not my success- right now that is connecting me to you. Praise God!) 

The failure, the depression, when I don't have it in me to win at life and be successful. 

The times I am trying to give so much to my kids that I wasn't given. Be so much for my kids that nobody was for me.

And looking back it was my broken past that lead me to Jesus.

It was not in spite of falling through the cracks that I came to him, it was BECAUSE I had fallen through the cracks.

All of the people in my life who let me down, served as arrows to point me to Jesus. If I had gone through high school in a stable home with good grades and lots of support- I don't believe I would have ultimately ended up on my knees at God's feet. Peoples' love and affirmation might have been just sweet enough to keep me trudging forward in my own strength. Just strong enough, just whole enough, that I might be missing out on the real lover of my soul. The one who gave me life and gives me REAL love, REAL wholeness, and REAL strength. 

Yes, I am tempted at times to wish my earlier life had panned out differently. I wish someone had seen to it that I had stuck some things out so I could have had better grades, a better degree, could play an instrument or a sport really well.

But would I trade in my wholeness in Christ for all of that? NO WAY!!!

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

God let us know it! Let us know that you have worked (and are working) our broken past and our broken moments for your glory. Let us keep letting you work in our hearts and lives- so they can be more beautiful and look how YOU want them to look. Amen. 

Permission to say NO to Everything

There is a season in life to say "no". When you are in the thick of motherhood with little ones who need your full time and attention, and a house and a husband, and quite possibly a job on top of it all, dear good grief you do not have to go to your second cousin’s gender reveal party. Or your Uncle’s surprise 70th, or your in-law’s barbecue to meet their college roommates. Nothing if you don’t want to. I give you full permission, sweet lady.

A few months back when I was looking up ways to politely decline invitations to things without lying, I came across some helpful hints. But mostly I already knew. I just had to be brave enough to tell the truth. Lately I have sent a lot of texts and made a lot of phone-calls that go something like this:

“I’m so sorry, that sounds wonderful and we would love to be there, but we are stretched thin right now and need to stick to our schedule…”

Sometimes I even just say: “I’m sorry we’re not going to make it to that.”

No need to over-explain, no need to lie. Don’t lie. It never feels right, because it's not right.

You are a mother, darn it. The queen of your own castle. You have little people who are relying on you to be good, and well, and not overly-stressed, and in tune with THEIR needs- not everyone else's. If that is not more important than another gathering, I don’t know what is.

Yes, we love these people. Yes, their intentions are great and they want our company, but at the end of the day I am always happier that I have done something more laid back, more stress-free, and more in line with my own family’s needs. Life will go on and move forward, and in a less busy season of life, we will not be stretched so thin.

BUT, let this season teach you to stick with what is important and only that. My husband often reminds me of the story of Nehemiah rebuilding the wall around Jerusalem. Many neighboring leaders were plotting against him and kept sending messengers to distract him from his work. His reply was this:

“I am in the middle of a great work, and I can’t come down...”

So are you, Mama!

---

This book helped me in my venture to slow down and say "no" more. It's a simply lovely read!

Check it our here!

When You Want More

Have you caught it? The discontentment bug that is going around? It is especially infectious for women, mothers, wives.

It starts with a tug on your heart to do some things to better yourself, your life. It pulls you along on an internet search, finding resources and books – honing your mind in on exactly what you need. For me, this week, it started with the scoping out some happiness/goal setting/tracking journals. I've also been thinking about travel. Then, this evening I announced to my husband that I want us to find a babysitter. Someone we could rely on to come watch the littles, so we can do more with the bigs. Do more projects. Be more. Aspire to more. More, more, more. Discontentment. 

Don't I have enough?

Don't you have enough?

Do we even do a good job with what we've been entrusted? My beautiful life right now would look like waking up early and spending time with Jesus. Loving well and speaking to my kids with kindness. Noticing them more. Being present mentally more. And with all that pulls me away from those simple things, do I really want MORE? NO! So why am I so easily strung along to believe that this isn't enough? That I need skinnier, cleaner, more awake, more productive- more?

Where does this bug lead when left untreated?

Look around and you will see. Don't look at Instagram snap shots or the 5-star book reviews. Look into women's eyes, and hearts and homes. The warmth is pulled and stretched thin into striving. And I am grateful that tonight, God brought it to my heart, and let me catch it right here. Let my man lay hands on me and pray for my heart and this spirit of discontentment. Jesus, ground me in you- please. Let me find my way to fullness and completeness in you. 

And then, from that place of wholeness, from that place of overflow (not from the lack)- may you lead me forward as you see fit.

Ohh, humility

I wanted to have something to write about. Something revolutionary for women. I wanted to stand on a stage and be cute and fun, and have every woman in the audience want to be like me- and then I would blow their minds and lead them to Jesus.

I was heading on about 5 years of seriously struggling with various aspects of my life- fear, happiness, emotional stability. Have you ever been at a point in your life where nothing is monumentally wrong- the kids are healthy, praise God- but just the everyday flux of life, and the relationships that you just want to be awesome in the worst way, they are just not working because there's not peace and stability of the mind? Have you been there? The place where something is just off?

I can't find happiness that sticks. I puddle jump to more moments of discontentment, with bouts of praise and gratefulness and real rest in Jesus in between (thank God). But I keep finding myself... back...here.

Then at some point I realize that all in all something beautiful has formed in the ground of all of this failing, dead soil. A little flower called humility has begun to spring up, and brighten, and deepen in color as my struggle continues.

I find that I understand many of the women I have judged. The women I use to want to grab by the shoulders and tell them to get their life together. The women I thought that my cute outfits and perky preaching from the stage could reach and change.

I understand the depression and depths, because I have swam and struggled down there too. And I've tried to kick myself to the surface only to find my foot stuck in the mud. I've been there and wrestled in the darkness of it all too. 

I've had four children and walked into stores with one of them barefoot in the cart because the shoes were left at home. And one has boogers and messy hair, and the other one screams, and I haven't washed my own hair in three days, and I am PRAYING I don't see anyone I know. And this is just life, and I never wanted to be that mom. And I've felt my face flush when I see someone from high school and in my early 30's tell them that we've moved back in with my Dad.

And a thousand other little deaths and surrenders. Oh, you can fight and push and demand your way. Or you can do the surrendering to God. (The over and over surrender on certain things). And watch God till and work that surrendered soil into a rich and fertile little garden bed. And a beautiful, colorful, diverse little garden called humility will grow.

And you better believe that he is still growing mine.

Galatians 6:9  

Woman, are you free?

There is true freedom in Christ. It seems strange or backward, but it is real. You would expect that trying to live up to the high standards of Christ would bring so much restriction and repression, and that it would look unappealing to those looking from the outside, and perhaps it does sometimes. But when I am in the presence of friends who have set their own ideals and standards, I can't help but see the "stuckness" and "constipation" that seems to come on even stronger with the prideful hardening that comes with age. Things must be the way they think they are because there is SO much, a whole life, vested in these ideals.

It is so funny and ironic to me that most thinking non-christians would look and see what I'm saying as relating to US- but somehow the reality is the opposite. 

I am free to accommodate and relate to all people of various positions. I feel no need to press that I am right. I mostly listen and be kind because I can be. I am kind. I am happy. Most people are not. I know that truth does not ride on other people believing "my truth." I'm free. I'm free to listen and laugh and bend and be weird with those who are weird, and serious with those who are serious, and strong with those who are strong. I'm not intimidated or grossed out by those who are grossly different than me. 

Sometimes I look at my very culturally-connected female friends who are so vested in being strong, independent women... And I wonder if they feel free to wear pink, or to cry over something fickle, or truly let their hair down with the man in their life- being fully woman and letting him be fully man. Not thinking about how it ought to be, or that they must adjust to a culture telling us that these differences are more and more obsolete. 

Can we laugh at our weakness- or marvel at certain strengths of someone with opposing views, without our whole identity feeling threatened? 

Are we really free?

I have found self-imposed identities to be the most frail. The most vehemently guarded. But there is strength in Christ. There is freedom in Christ. I feel that I can be whatever he calls me to be and I know it will fit perfectly with who I am designed to be, and he will equip me to do it well. I can have success at being whatever, even if it is outside of what certain people think I ought, or ought not be doing. The oughts are gone. I am truly free.

No Room for BS

I listen to a mom next to me at gymnastics, as she goes on and on about herself; her kids, her family endeavors, all of the activities her children are involved in, which of her children had acid reflux, which cousins had birthday parties this past month. I'm not even part of the conversation and I know more about this woman in 5 minutes than I know about some of my relatives. Every time one of the other two women in the conversation chimed in with something to share, this woman brought it back around to herself. Truth? I caught onto to this about her the first week of gymnastics when she began a conversation with me. It took all of 30 seconds to realize that her interest was only a listening ear to vent and boast to, and preferably an admiring and sympathetic one. Nope. Not me. Something about having two kids under three right now has pushed me into a zone where I don't have much patience for BS. My time and energy are spread very thin right now, and I refuse to give more away to things that are unimportant or frivolous (even if other people think they are the most important things on earth.)

This is getting me in trouble with some people in my life right now. With many people I have always been the nice, accommodating one. The one who will meet you on your turf, come at least 70% of the way, sometimes even closer to 90. I listen, I sympathize, I figure out how you do things and try to make it easy on you. I'm slipping away from this and I fear I have some people thinking I don't like them anymore. It's not that. I simply don't have time/energy/desire anymore to do and be who I think you want me to be. And I pray that I'm wrong. I pray that you want me to be me. 

The Altar

It happened today. One of those Sundays where you are going about your business, your day, your Sunday routine- sitting in the church pew listening and nodding- not expecting anything for me. Then it started to hit me. The tears welled up hot in my eyes and somehow I knew what was coming next, Was. For. Me. Not only me- but like listen up, girl, I am about to speak to you right from my word. I was laser-focused in as my pastor read the words of Psalm 73, and they washed over me and made sense of my feelings, and my mess.

As humans, we don't have the capacity or the mental ability to order and make sense of all of our feelings and latest struggles. And as moms, sometimes our brains just feel like mush at the end of the day. But lately I've had a very specific struggle with Instagram,  something I've never used, and something that has been making me feel A LOT of mixed feelings. I'm not going to go into the details, but I have a feeling I don't have to because you probably feel a lot of the same feelings too: jealousy, envy, righteous indignation and personal indignation. And then the question of "why" is always next in line. Why am I feeling this? Why is she posting like this? Why can't I....

Oh, but this day. This beautiful, beautiful, cold and snowy Sunday when God reminded me, in a heart way, not in a head way that I can explain; He reminded me of just... it all. And it felt peaceful and right there on my knees, crying it out in this small, imperfect church. Thank you, Jesus.

I don't usually want to go at first. Every altar experience I've ever had, my first inclination is, "oh please, not now." These boogers, these tears, this makeup smearing, this walk, the looking and watching, the unknown, the "will I have to try to explain this to someone?"

But oh, I had to go today. I knew I was being lead and pulled. God still loves me and still wants me to start over after all of this slighting I've done to him.

I have to confess it right here that I've wanted so much for myself that is worldly, and popular, and successful and smart. I wanted to be that woman. And I took my gift, again, the one that he's blessed me and opened a door for- and I put it up on the altar of my life where only he should be. I pretended that I was just a little busy and would turn back around and look at him as soon as I had time. Telling him, "I'll be right back", as I secretly bow down to my idol. 

That was probably what was basically happening in my spirit- although I do KNOW him to be true and right and God and Lord, and all things good. And isn't it funny that it's not in the knowing? We can know that He's God and serve a dozen idols or one precious sin that we can't square up with God eye-to-eye on. So we look down or away and pretend not to notice because, WE JUST DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT RIGHT NOW.

But meanwhile we are dying, a slow suffocation, not having the father's spirit breathe life into us. Not allowing him to do the CPR. Why in the world?

And today, he spoke those Psalm 73 words to me so crystal clearly and made sure they went in. Air. And he's still making sure that I know that it's HIM who is saving me, and not myself. 

Thank you, Jesus, for bringing me to the altar today. Thank you for newness and a fresh start. For cleaning out the clutter and garbage of my spirit, and setting my gaze back upon one, simple, remarkable truth. You.

PSALM 73

"Oh come to the altar, the father's arms are open wide. Forgiveness was bought with, the precious blood of Jesus Christ."

Relief in Submission

I was just feeling so angry over social media... again. I went on for just a few minutes, the first time in a while. Flitted around. Left feeling more hollow, more angry, more wanting to say MY piece than before. More confused and scattered and these emotions- this devastation for the plight of things, the division. Everyone sticking their finger in the air and shouting their opinion. The leadership- the people that many people are following, flaunting their own feelings and opinions about Christianity, and the President, and the latest disaster, and I can't stomach all of this narcissism. I feel angry and sick all in one stroke. I feel a part of it, wanting to get in the middle and push and shove my weight around as well. But more than that I want to flee. I want to run away from it all and go bury my head under a blanket somewhere. Stay just with Jesus. But, Lord, will I be a naive little chicken in a land of wolves? Shouldn't I know what is going on here? Shouldn't I be on the pulse too? Isn't this relevence?

No.

And at the peak of confusion and trying to pray, mind and heart still spinning out, it hits me. Submission. This is the answer. Submission to Christ. The place where I can rest and be the student and look at the one true teacher. Submission to him. I will orient my gaze, my heart, my all to the one true righteous, holy and GOOD. The only one. It's so simple. But in submission I can rest. In submission I can not have answers and it is okay. Submission immediately removes me and all of the others from the center and the need to perform because people are watching. I can sit and watch him instead. I don't have to be the one. He is the ONE. 

Jesus, help me to make much of YOU, in a world that is making much of everything else, everyone else, and themselves. Y-o-u. 

Phil 2:3

James 3: 14-15