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Inner Child Healing for The Christian Woman
The Inner Child is another name for the embodiment of concealed emotions and damage done to you by negative childhood experiences.
This usually involves the relationship dynamic (or lack thereof) with your parents.
We have all had bad experiences in our childhood, some more than others, and there are a lot of ways that these relational experiences affect us and manifest in our adult life.
The Inner Child is another name for the embodiment of concealed emotions and damage done to you by negative childhood experiences.
This usually involves the relationship dynamic (or lack thereof) with your parents.
If you are a Christian woman looking to identify and heal your inner child issues, but want to steer of going down an ungodly “rabbit-trail”, you are in the right place, my dear!
The first step to inner child healing is to identify what happened to you.
If you are new to this process and have not yet taken steps to bring these issues to the surface in a safe, Christian context, I’ve created a free e-course called Healing Your Heart When Your Family of Origin Was Broken By Divorce, to help you through this process.
No two stories are exactly the same, but I can assure you of this:
Growing up without solid primary examples to model a healthy marriage, relationships, priorities and life balance, leaves us each to come away with our own mixed-bag of quirky, self-sabotaging tendencies.
And although we have grown up and moved on from our past, these issues will usually show up in our most important and close relationships, with the people we are called to love and nurture.
More than anywhere else, they show up in our own marriage.
my own inner-child Marriage issues
Now again, we are all different here, each with our own unique stories and heartaches.
Because of what I went through as a preteen and teenager, I was manifesting behaviors consistent with childhood emotional neglect and parentification (If you are not familiar with parentification, check out this article: Sign You Were a Parentified Daughter, And How it Can Show Up in Your Marriage).
Here is how those issues were showing up in my marriage:
Always apologizing
Find it hard to ask spouse for help or a favor- trying to always just do it myself
Getting angry when I can’t just do it myself
Forgo altercation or confrontation for the sake of keeping harmony
Low body esteem- not wanting husband to see me naked
Picking out my flaws- driving him crazy with self-criticism
When there is an altercation, I would always fixate on what I could have done differently- forgetful that he is a fault-prone human as well
Not feeling secure in my marriage, but like it is based on my performance
Didn’t feel I had value unless I was giving to others
Sounds pretty pathetic now that I’m reading it over. It sound like someone with very low self-esteem. But that is who I was.
Figuratively speaking, there was a little girl on the inside who stopped being guided, valued and nurtured and therefore did not reach some important social and emotional milestones in her youth.
And when we have this kind of brokenness, it’s almost as if the little girl stays on the inside always trying to get her needs met, scared that she might be found out.
Inner childhood issues and shame usually go hand-in-hand.
Conventional Inner-Child Work
Mainstream Inner Child Healing deals a lot with comforting, soothing, acting on behalf of, and even re-parenting your hurt inner child. The idea is you give her what she needed then, to help her get unstuck and move forward .
Almost as if you are taking her by the hand and walking her into adulthood.
I believe there are times when it’s appropriate to do things for yourself that other people never did, and that healthy and reasonable self-care should remain a priority for all women.
But I also believe that one of the biggest deceptions aimed at women right now is self-focus to the detriment of the godly priorities we are called to as women.
The Titus 2 priorities of our home, our husband and our children.
As Christian women, I believe we should not follow a me first model, but rather a me too one!
A Better Approach
I believe in a Christ-centered approach to life, and therefore healing as well.
None of us will ever understand fully what we went through and what our needs are today, but God is so good in that he does not require us to take “all the correct steps” in order to heal and thrive.
He simply tells us to seek him first, and he will add all the rest (Matthew 6:33).
That scripture is my story.
And as I have tried to deal with these certain dysfunctional aspects of my past- I have tried to do so in a way that does not put the problem or the healing at the center of my universe, but STILL HIM.
I have done a lot of work over the past year on “healing my inner child” and have even seen a therapist for some of this work.
When I’m processing new information I’ve read or learned, it’s always looked at in light of my faith in Jesus and his word. Nothing trumps my belief in HIM and his healing power.
And trust me when I tell you there was A LOT of eat-the-meat-spit-out-the-bones happening as I processed these issues from my past.
I was not able to find a whole lot of resources specifically for Christian women when it came to inner-child healing, which is why I created this resource below as a starting point for other women.
I hope you find it helpful in your own journey!
And more than that, I hope you know how deeply loved and treasured you are, and I wish you the best in your healing journey!♥
Healing Your ♥ When Your Family of Origin was Broken by Divorce
A FREE 7-DAY E-MAIL COURSE TO HELP YOU:
Identify deeply-rooted issues from your broken past
Find peace and trust as you allow God to surface these issues
Continually walk toward a full healing
Flourish in your marriage and home
Step out of old, ingrained thought-patterns and into the woman you were created to be!
Pin for later!♥
Signs You Were a Parentified Daughter, And How it Can Show Up in Your Marriage
Parentification happens when a child takes on the role of caretaker in place of the parent.
They may be responsible for the care of themselves, their siblings and/or a parent.
Instead of being loved, nurtured and cared for, the child must sacrifice their own needs to meet the needs of others. This often happens without the child even realizing it, as it just becomes the everyday norm.
Parentification happens when a child takes on the role of caretaker in place of the parent.
They may be responsible for the care of themselves, their siblings and/or a parent.
Instead of being loved, nurtured and cared for, the child must sacrifice their own needs to meet the needs of others. This often happens without the child even realizing it, as it just becomes the everyday norm.
As an adult, the following symptoms can emerge:
You spend a great deal of your time caring for others
Low self-esteem
Background sense of shame
Always in the role of emotional caretaker
Seldom get your own needs met
Are always alert about acting in ways that please others
Conform to other peoples’ wishes and desires
Feel unreasonably responsible for other peoples’ feelings, care and welfare
You are self-deprecating
You are quick to maintain harmony and sooth other peoples’ feelings
Don’t feel you have value unless you are giving to others
Does this sound like you?
If so, here are some common ways that these symptoms can spill over into your marriage:
Always apologizing
Find it hard to ask your spouse for help or a favor- you try to just do it yourself
Forgo altercation or confrontation for the sake of keeping harmony
Low body esteem- not wanting your spouse to see you naked
Picking out your flaws- driving your spouse crazy with self-criticism
When there is an altercation, you often feel it was your fault and fixate on what you could have done differently
Forgetful that your spouse is a fault-prone human as well
Not feeling secure in your marriage, but like it is based on your performance
Don’t feel you have value unless you are giving to others
Why do we turn out this way?
You would almost be tempted to think that a child with a lot of responsibility would grow up to be mature and highly competent (and we are in many ways). But it comes at a great price. Because we did not have adequate nurturing and guidance, there are many important social and emotional milestones that were never reached.
Furthermore, we get so used to “playing” adult, that we grow up with a hidden sense of shame. Like the little girl hiding inside of us just might be discovered. (For more on the inner-child, check out this article: How Your Broken Family-of-Origin is Affecting Your Marriage, And How to Begin Healing)
How this can make us feel toward our spouse
As I began to uncover the traces of this hidden baggage I had been unknowingly carrying around through my adult life, my first feelings toward my husband were anger and suspicion. Had he been taking advantage of my caregiving, people-pleasing nature all of these years? Was I being duped?
I thought, “If I am really like this and he is not, then surely the scale has been tipped in his favor this whole time.”
The enemy is ALWAYS after our thought-process toward our husband, isn’t he?
My husband is not a perfect man, but he is my partner in life and the father of my four children. I know his intentions toward me are not malicious or fowl, despite what I might feel sometimes. Furthermore, I can get so fixated on my own perceptions that I forget that I have already given my life fully over to a heavenly father who loves and promises to look out for me. My well-being is in HIS hands and I trust him.
I’m sorry.
If you were a parentified daughter, I just want to say I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that you weren’t given a full and beautiful childhood with two parents who cared deeply for your needs, as parents are supposed to.
I’m sure that every part of your childhood was not bad- but there were definitely some important areas in which you were neglected and hurt. Again, I’m so sorry this happened to you.
If you are looking for a good starting point for opening up and dealing with some issues from your childhood, I just released a free 7-day email course you can check out below.
I hope you will find this helpful in your healing journey!
Healing Your ♥ When Your Family of Origin was Broken by Divorce
A FREE 7-DAY E-MAIL COURSE TO HELP YOU:
Identify deeply-rooted issues from your broken past
Find peace and trust as you allow God to surface these issues
Continually walk toward a full healing
Flourish in your marriage and home
Step out of old, ingrained thought-patterns and into the woman you were created to be!
Pin for later!
3 Healthy Boundaries for Adult Women- To Protect Your Own Sanity and Family
We’ve each grown up with different dynamics within our family of origin- and these relationships can be complicated, to say the least.
Many of us came from broken or dysfunctional homes where nobody modeled healthy relationships and boundaries. Some of us even grew accustomed to accepting extremely unhealthy behavior as normal.
I often hear from women about their parents’ unbearable behaviors. Sometimes these adult daughters did not even realize the issue until well into their adult years.
**I have edited this article after realizing my own personal boundaries have been more to protect me from certain dysfunctional dynamics in my extended family circle- not for my own parents or grandparents, all of whom I am very close with. I hope these words help you feel empowered to put up boundaries with those who do not have your best interest at heart- but to be gracious with those who truly love you.
We’ve each grown up with different dynamics within our family of origin- and these relationships can be complicated, to say the least.
Some of us came from broken or dysfunctional homes and even grew accustomed to accepting extremely unhealthy behavior as normal.
I often hear from women about issues within their own families they didn’t even recognize until well into their adult years:
narcissism
need to dominate
always playing the victim
manipulation, just to name a few
At some point, we all have to come to the realization that our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles are flawed humans just like everyone else. They have hurts from their own upbringing and reasons they behave the way they do, just like us.
I’m not giving anyone a pass for egregious behavior. But the fact of the matter is that we don’t have much power to truly change anyone.
This is why boundaries are not about shaming and blaming- they are about you taking responsibility for yourself.
Boundaries are about setting the climate in your life so you have the freedom to live out the priorities God shows you.
They are essentially your way of saying to other people:
“I realize what your preference for our relationship would be. But it’s not the same as mine. Here is what I am willing to give, receive and tolerate in our relationship. Wherever that overlaps with your preferences for our relationship, great! We can meet there!”
Having healthy relationships with other people has a lot to do with knowing your boundaries and respecting theirs.
Here are three areas I believe it’s very important to know and stick to your boundaries:
Phone/Text Boundaries
It can be a hard thing that we are all available now 24/7 now via our cellphones. Not that we have to answer every phone call or reply to every text message, but often just seeing a certain name come up on our screen is enough to cause significant stress.
Here is what I suggest:
Lower the bar. Don’t rush to get back to people. Text messages don’t need to be responded to right away, nor do phone-calls. I often answer all of my text messages from the day in one shot in the evening or even the next morning. Sometimes I just forget and that’s okay too. Everyone lives and everyone will be fine. Do yourself a favor and lower the bar.
If you don’t wish to engage with someone via text, you don’t have to. Give extremely short, finalizing answers back on your own timetable.
If someone calls you often to unload all of their problems, and it’s beginning to feel like an infringement, have the hard conversation to tell them you don’t have the time any longer. Hard conversations are more than worth the relief they bring of no longer having to deal with obnoxious behavior. Remember not to blame, be polite and make it about you and your preferences. Again, a hard conversation is worth it and also can save you from “snapping” at the person later down the line.
Get-together Boundaries
Most of us have the pressure of expectations when it comes to holidays and get-togethers. Now that you are an adult with your own family, you DO have a say in this too! I know this might come as a shocker, but you don’t have to do Christmas the way that your family has always done it.
I see so many couples rushing around on holidays, trying to keep both sides of the family happy and it can get so ridiculous, to the point where they don’t even get to enjoy the holiday or spend time with their own family. YOU ARE YOUR OWN FAMILY NOW. You and your husband get to decide what YOUR FAMILY would like to do for Christmas now.
If you feel overwhelmed by or pressured into too many get-togethers, this article could be extremely helpful: Permission to Say No to Everything.
Open Door or Not Boundaries
Some people are fine with having anyone stop by at any time. I’m not one of them. I don’t mind if my parents, grandparents, or siblings stop by unannounced, but I once had to have a hard conversation with someone that went like this:
“Hey, could you please call or text before you plan on coming by just to make sure it’s a good time? I’m in a very busy season of life right now and it’s just not always a good time for a visitor.”
This person had been stopping by unannounced about once a month, but it just did not feel right. It didn’t feel like love, it felt like snooping and control.
So I had to have a hard conversation, again, not putting blame on them, but just letting them know what works for me.
It was received well and the conversation served its purpose in drawing up a new boundary that works for me. And it is a relief to not worry about that person not popping by anymore!
Remember, it is about being vocal about your preferences in a way that lets people know what works for you. In most cases, people will be respectful of what you have asked.
I’ve noticed that many women who struggle with boundaries are those of us who grew up in broken families of origin.
If this is you, I would highly recommend my new 7-day e-course below!
Also, if you need more in-depth teaching on this topic, I highly recommend Boundaries: when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life.
I hope you feel better equipped to set up some God-honoring boundaries in your life!
Healing Your ♥ When Your Family of Origin was Broken by Divorce
A FREE 7-DAY E-MAIL COURSE TO HELP YOU:
Identify deeply-rooted issues from your broken past
Find peace and trust as you allow God to surface these issues
Continually walk toward a full healing
Flourish in your marriage and home
Step out of old, ingrained thought-patterns and into the woman you were created to be!
Pin for later!
How to Stop Gravitating Toward Losers and Be More Selective in Who You Get Close To
First of all, I realize the title of this article is not very nice.
I’m the kind of person who never says words like “loser”. I’m an equal opportunity employer- rich, poor, fat, skinny, annoying- everyone deserves respect and kindness as far as I’m concerned.
My husband, not so much.
He has a quick radar for all things “loserish”. He was raised in a much more socially-conscious environment than I was. He’s a snob, basically.
But what I admire about his shrewdness is that
First of all, I realize the title of this article is not very nice.
I’m the kind of person who never says words like “loser”. I’m an equal opportunity employer- rich, poor, fat, skinny, annoying- everyone deserves respect and kindness as far as I’m concerned.
My husband, not so much.
He has a quick radar for all things “loserish”. He was raised in a much more socially-conscious environment than I was. He’s a snob, basically.
But what I admire about his shrewdness is that he never seems to get entangled in unhealthy or draining relationships because he can spot a toxic or needy person a mile away, and will not throw an ounce of his care or energy in their direction.
He shuts it down quickly.
And I’m over here just trying to make everyone feel comfortable and loved. But deep down I’m like…
But all jokes aside, I know that we balance each other out and there are so many ways that God has used me to soften his edges, and him mine.
For me, learning to put up the right boundaries with people has taken some work- but it has been more than worth-while.
Learning how to NOT be drained by toxic, unhealthy or needy people, allows you the space and breathing room to focus on (and do a good job with) what matters.
Here are four amazing resources, depending on your unique situation:
1. I have a toxic boyfriend.
If you are an unmarried woman who has been on an emotional roller-coaster with the same guy for a while- please check out this 40 day journey to healing and freedom!
2. My family-of-origin was broken by divorce.
If you are now a mom and wife but suspect some of your struggles come from your broken family-of-origin, this is a brand new FREE e-email course I just put out. The content is so rich and specific for those of us who came from broken families, you might find you understand certain things about yourself for the very first time!
3. I’m beyond discouraged and angry with my husband.
Enough said. If that’s you- this is a great resource! Or, if you could really use someone to talk to about these issues, please check out my new Vent & Pray Sessions!
4. I need better, healthier friendships
This was a long time struggle of mine. It’s time to create healthy, give-and-take friendships with people who don’t suck the emotional life out of you. Read this.
5. Really, Instagram just makes me feel like a loser
Haha, I’ve been there, girl! Let’s try to help you find some healthy perspective!
I hope these resources will bless you on your journey to finding more balance and boundaries with people!
Healing Your ♥ When Your Family of Origin was Broken by Divorce
A FREE 7-DAY E-MAIL COURSE TO HELP YOU:
Identify deeply-rooted issues from your broken past
Find peace and trust as you allow God to surface these issues
Continually walk toward a full healing
Flourish in your marriage and home
Step out of old, ingrained thought-patterns and into the woman you were created to be!
This is a personal writing project meant to express my feelings and thoughts, not to be used in place of God’s word. Anything good and true that I write is only because he has blessed and gifted me to do so, but I am a sinner, saved by grace, and am prone to weakness, bias, harshness and fault. I hope that my words can lead you to seek more of your own personal walk with Christ, because HE is only place you will find real TRUTH and satisfaction.