Keeping Score in Marriage

It can be so hard in marriage to not keep score. They tell you this is one of the keys to a great marriage, but who are we kidding when the skin is on it. Even if you wake up that morning on a level playing field, with no record of wrongs- who is to say what ways you might feel disrespected or taken advantage of even before 7:30am. This morning I opened the refrigerator to find that my husband didn't prepare lunch-boxes for the two bigs. Ugh. Initially this just means that I need to dice up some fruits and veggies, toast up some waffles and throw a beef and cheese stick in there. But of course the containers are sitting dirty in the dishwasher, and of course I did not account for all of this extra time. 

It does not take much in the stress of 4 kids for anger to boil over and the mind to fixate on the husband- and the selfishness, and the dropping-the-ball. I send rhetorical text messages in between running around and yelling at my kids. This is my reality. I ping-pong between loving, zen, Jesus-wife, and angry, frazzled, stress-monster. This is my life and thank God my husband is mostly gracious and very understanding these days.

He apologizes, but the point is this:

You would not forget these tasks for your boss. You left and either forgot (inexcusable). Or didn't want to be s few minutes later than your 15-minutes-early for work (inexcusable). 

I read an article a few months ago about a Mom who gave up "asking" her husband to help (as if he were doing her a favor by contributing time and energy to their home and kids). Instead, she started saying things like, "Move your s**t out of the way", and started placing all of his s**t on his bed, or in his personal spaces.

Why does this idea sound so appealing at times? This was exactly the concept I was thinking of when I was texting my husband this morning. One of my texts literally said:

"I don't mind helping you out once in a while if you are overwhelmed and can't get everything done, just ask."

Some of you ladies know the exact message and tone I was going for. But then, there. is. this: There is Christ. Christ waiting to get to know me more and change me more. A time with him that I neglected AGAIN this morning for an extra 20 mins in bed- and I will squeeze in later when the boys nap. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I have not let you consistently change the tone of my mornings in this home. That I am overwhelmed and broken, but you could have helped me so much in that intimate way that only you can. I'm sorry that I'm exactly like my husband.

After my initial smugness, on my way to something better, I had sent him another text:

"Ok, I'm sorry again. I know that our marriage is suppose to be based on relationship and not rules. I just wish we could feel like more of a team. It just never feels like we're on the same page with things, and the more we take on the more we are going in different directions."

Oh ouch, my heart. This is what I am doing to you, Lord. Not staying intimately and truly and consistently connected. Going my own direction and squeezing you in when I can. I hate when my husband does this to me. I hate it because we all can tell that no matter what someone is telling us we are, we are not priority. God knows this too. And I'm so sorry, Lord. I have not really, REALLY made you first. Responsibilities, stressors, 20 extra minutes of sleep have all come first. 

So to bring this full circle, no, we do not keep score in marriage. We call and apologize, and recommit to getting it right. And I pray that you can humble yourself enough to even say: "Will you forgive me?"

And if you can't, still go to your quiet space- push your face to the floor or into your pillow, and ask for God's GRACE to keep working in your life. Or gather up those babies and do it right now in your living room. This is what I am about to do. Help us, Jesus!

Not keeping score is not born of resolve or will power. It comes after the knee is bent and the humble heart realizes how much GRACE she needs herself. Let us give and love and extend grace to our spouse- in the same not-keeping-score way that Jesus does. I dare you to open your mouth and say to him:

"It's okay. God has so much grace for us- and we need to have that for each other. I forgive you."

SUCH power and freedom in grace and forgiveness. 

Ephesians 4:26

photo credit: patheos.com

Relief in Submission

I was just feeling so angry over social media... again. I went on for just a few minutes, the first time in a while. Flitted around. Left feeling more hollow, more angry, more wanting to say MY piece than before. More confused and scattered and these emotions- this devastation for the plight of things, the division. Everyone sticking their finger in the air and shouting their opinion. The leadership- the people that many people are following, flaunting their own feelings and opinions about Christianity, and the President, and the latest disaster, and I can't stomach all of this narcissism. I feel angry and sick all in one stroke. I feel a part of it, wanting to get in the middle and push and shove my weight around as well. But more than that I want to flee. I want to run away from it all and go bury my head under a blanket somewhere. Stay just with Jesus. But, Lord, will I be a naive little chicken in a land of wolves? Shouldn't I know what is going on here? Shouldn't I be on the pulse too? Isn't this relevence?

No.

And at the peak of confusion and trying to pray, mind and heart still spinning out, it hits me. Submission. This is the answer. Submission to Christ. The place where I can rest and be the student and look at the one true teacher. Submission to him. I will orient my gaze, my heart, my all to the one true righteous, holy and GOOD. The only one. It's so simple. But in submission I can rest. In submission I can not have answers and it is okay. Submission immediately removes me and all of the others from the center and the need to perform because people are watching. I can sit and watch him instead. I don't have to be the one. He is the ONE. 

Jesus, help me to make much of YOU, in a world that is making much of everything else, everyone else, and themselves. Y-o-u. 

Phil 2:3

James 3: 14-15

Submission to Husband

Note: In a day when so many people abuse authority, this article stirs some controversial relationship topics. Please read the heart.  

I am mid getting-this-thing-right. I don't want to even pretend for a second that this is an area where I have arrived. I've not. Just recently, starting a new year and doing a fast of sorts, I am tying to bring this area of my life and marriage to the forefront, and move in the direction God would have me. It's time to start trying to truly be, "to my husband as unto God."

Not that I worship him, blindly heave all of my prayers and desires onto him, and fully surrender my life to him. No- but I submit. I place my abilities and willingness before him as unto the Lord.

This is a hard thing. And very unnatural for a lady like me. I am quite confident in my thoughts, opinions and ability to know what is best- especially when it comes to my children. Many Moms are and this can be a hard rub with husbands. 

But again, it's evident in my own life that it's time for change. It's evident in the way that my oldest son shifts toward me and wants Mom to understand all the deep things and probably take up for him because that's what I've done a lot of. I need to be one with my man.

It's evident in the way that I just came upstairs to pray and journal and what is heaviest on my heart is the way that he's downstairs talking to that same son. I'm so angry because I feel that he is dumping all of his own frustrations and insecurities on that child and I hate, hate, hate it. And it makes me want to storm downstairs and throw my finger in his face and say all sorts of mean things. He's bullying him and I'm sure of it. 

But instead, I push my face to the floor and say all of the hard, angry things to God. I tell him how it's killing me. I tell him my deepest parts like I have 100 times and know that it is only, ONLY HIM, who will ever, EVER fully and completely understand me. Me and all of these things. He knows, he knows. And it ends downstairs the scolding words- and it didn't get out of hand and my son comes upstairs seemingly fine. And if some harsh words pierced and cut his soul somehow then God sees it- and God will set everything right, and justice will occur in God's time and order. His order. It was what I was explaining to my son earlier in the day.

That the people in authority over us will not always get it right. In fact, they will get it dead wrong a lot of times. Our job is still to submit to those authorities and the order of things. It feels so backward in this day and in this culture. But God sees and knows.

And I will continue to pray that things will be done and seen and brought to light and changed in God's time, not mine. 

But tonight, I will go on that dinner date with my husband, NOT having sucked oxygen out of my marriage. Allowing for space for my husband's mistakes, and for God to teach and lead him, not me. And he is making me more beautiful and more mature.

End note: My husband and I have talked to our son about respectfully making an appeal. If he feels something we have said or done was very wrong or unfair- he is welcome to come into our room at night and state his "appeal" kindly and respectfully. We need obedience in the moment from him, but we must leave room for an appeal as well, if something is still weighing on him late into the day. This is something I am trying to practice more of in my own marriage as well- many times it is in cooler and quieter times that my husband is more open to respectfully hear about something I strongly disagree with, rather than lashing out in the moment. 

Further, when we are talking to our children about submitting to authority even when they "get it wrong", we also teach them appropriate boundaries, dangers, and when submission is not okay. I hope this goes without saying, but just in case I feel the need to add this note.