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What to do when intimacy has ceased in your marriage
This is a very difficult place to be.
Have you ever seen the kid's movie Madagascar?
If so, you'll remember that from the time the four main characters (Marty, Melvin, Gloria & Alex) get onto the island, they don't eat anything. Nothing. Not until the very end of the movie when the shifty penguins introduce them to sushi, do they finally fill their hunger.
This is a very difficult place to be.
Have you ever seen the kid's movie Madagascar?
If so, you'll remember that from the time the four main characters (Marty, Melvin, Gloria & Alex) get onto the island, they don't eat anything.
Nothing.
Not until the very end of the movie when the shifty penguins introduce them to sushi, do they finally fill their hunger.
Every time I watch that movie, I am so bothered the entire time by the fact that they haven't eaten anything, I can hardly enjoy the movie.
There is just an uneasy undercurrent in my mind, because, THEY NEED TO EAT SOMETHING! (It must either be the mother, or the Italian in me).
I have this same feeling when I'm speaking to a woman who has told me that she and her husband are not (or are very rarely) being intimate.
She may have moved on to talk about other things, but my mind is stuck in one place.
Even if she starts telling me about other good things that are going on in her life, there is a siren going off in the back of my mind: DANGER, DANGER, NO SEX, DANGER.
So I often try to gently bring the conversation back around, because this is my thing and I genuinely want to help.
But it's a touchy subject, and I'm often shrugged off, I think for three reasons:
1. It's too personal
2. Women often don't realize what a big deal this is.
3. They dread the thought of facing up to the problems, or changing in that area.
I suspect it's usually a little bit of each.
If you are a woman struggling in this area, I would be so honored if you would allow me the privilege of speaking to your heart for just a moment.
First of all, I want to recognize your heart and who you are.
I don't know you, but I know that marriage advice can feel so much like it ignores your unique situation and the ways you feel mistreated.
If you are not giving yourself sexually to your husband- chances are it's because you feel that your own needs have gone completely overlooked for a long time.
You can tell through your husband's actions and words that he does not really care about your heart.
He has not cherished you, tried to pursue you, has been careless and maybe even downright mean to you.
And pulling back from a man who has not shown true care is about the most natural thing in the world. I understand just where you are coming from!
But I'm going to take a bet on you.
If you are still reading this, I am going to bet that you are a woman after genuine change and healing. Even if the idea scares you, the fact that you're reading this article tells me that you are not just content with this separation from your husband. You want more.
And I'm praying that as you continue reading this, your heart would be flooded with an unknown compassion and understanding about your husband.
I pray that the humblest part of yourself will grasp on to the truths you need to hear- because I really do believe that God wants to heal your heart and marriage, and I'm really hoping you will allow it to happen.
What is sex to a man?
For a man, sex is the primary way he feels accepted and expresses intimacy.
The same way that for most of us women, acceptance and intimacy are felt through good communication, feeling loved and understood- for men, that comes through sex.
If your husband were not speaking to you AT ALL, you would probably completely shut down.
If you and your husband are not being intimate, that is why he has completely shut down to you.
Maybe he is there, day in and day out, doing the physical acts of commitment, but his heart is far away.
(If you are physically unable to be intimate with your husband, please read this.)
If your husband were not speaking to you AT ALL, it might take a little while, but something would eventually spark that part of you that was being ignored: a romance novel, romance movies, someone who you really feel understands you- all of these are unhealthy alternatives to your husband.
Maybe you are there already.
If there is no intimacy happening with your husband, there is a good chance he has found another outlet in masturbation and maybe pornography as well.
That is just the truth- and these things, of course, only divide you further.
Neither of you is winning.
But here is the question that will make all of the difference in the world.
The question that 9 out of 10 times will determine whether your marriage will ultimately thrive or fail.
Are YOU willing to humble yourself?
Are you willing to go to God with your sins and shortcomings, stop fighting against your husband with the huge case you have built against him- turn on your heels and head in a different direction.
The high road where you stand with God and let him do the fighting in your marriage for you.
That might sound overly-simple, but as someone who has counseled many women in relationships over the years, I can tell you that:
Humility is ALWAYS the make or break factor.
Will you allow yourself to fall on the rock and be shattered, as the scripture says, or will you continue to try to push through in your own strength, ignore what God says to you, and ultimately be crushed?
I know this is a harsh truth, but we need to speak the truth to each other in love! And this is it, girl.
As a sister in Christ I want to challenge you to see the bigger picture: The enemy is after your marriage (all of ours!).
More than any other relationship on the planet, marriage can paint the best and most beautiful picture of sacrificial, Christ-like love. And your marriage being whole and healed would not only mean your home and children thriving-
you have no idea what a ray of light a thriving marriage shoots out into the world for God's glory.
Not only that, but a thriving marriage that has survived through hardship is THE MOST gratifying and rewarding earthly blessing!
But the beginning of a healthy marriage is a healthy heart.
And healing a broken marriage requires 3 steps on your part:
1. You need to begin acting respectfully toward your husband.
If you're not even sure what that looks like or why that's important, start here.
2. You need to start cultivating DEEP intimacy with God.
This will be the only thing that saves you.
This needs to be your outlet!
The place you release all of your hurts and feelings. The place to "tell on your husband", and leverage the power of prayer to ask God to begin to change both you and your husband's hearts.
Prayer is your ONLY weapon here. But thank God it is THE most powerful thing on the planet.
I can attest to the power of prayer in my own life and marriage, and it has worked miracles! It is why I created this free resource!
3. Commit to resume intimacy with your husband.
There is just a language that is spoken between a man and woman in intimacy, that can not be spoken any other way. Period.
It has the power to heal and change your marriage from the roots like nothing else!
Don’t just be willing to stay in a sexless marriage.
What the enemy intended for evil for your marriage, God can use for good.
Oh, please believe this today about your own story. Yours.
It can be made into something you can't even imagine now!
All of the pain, all of the hurt, all of the brokenness caused to you by your husband (unintentionally), and by others (maybe very intentionally)-
all of that brokenness you carry around inside of you from your past, that nobody else in the world understands.
God sees you and he knows!
And he is calling you close to himself. And I believe that somewhere deep inside, you know it!
Don't let go, don't lose heart.
Can you stick around for a little bit and take a look at some things I believe can help you as you start on this new path in your marriage?
A couple Free resources you might love! ♡
Putting Your Man in God’s Hands
A 5-day guide to help you:
Let go of control and become the woman you’ve always wanted to be.
Have the courage to believe God’s word above your feelings.
Find the blessing of doing less
Cultivate the power of Respect
Learn how to draw up appropriate boundaries in your marriage.
Healing Your Heart When Your Family-of-origin Was Broken by Divorce
Pin for later!♡
How To Treat Your Husband Like a Man (It's all about respect)
Respect is everything to a man.
I had no idea what this even meant until I picked up the book: Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires. The Respect He Desperately Needs.
God dropped this little book into my hands at the exact right moment and it literally saved my marriage.
It taught me that the same way that MY primary need in a relationship is love, my husband's primary need is respect.
I couldn’t believe what I was reading and I was amazed I had never noticed it before.
That the key to my man’s heart was respect (not love).
I couldn’t wait to try it out.
Respect is everything to a man.
I had no idea what this even meant until I picked up the book: Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires. The Respect He Desperately Needs.
God dropped this little book into my hands at the exact right moment and it literally saved my marriage.
It taught me that the same way that MY primary need in a relationship is love, my husband's primary need is respect.
I couldn’t believe what I was reading and I was amazed I had never noticed it before.
That the key to my man’s heart was respect (not love).
I couldn’t wait to try it out.
I can honestly say that our next phone call was THE turning point in our relationship.
I learned how to speak to my man in a way that built him up and showed admiration. I implemented the tips that the book suggested, and even though it felt so weird and unnatural at first- it changed the course of our entire marriage!
“So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” –Ephesians 5:33
Notice this scripture doesn’t tell wives to love their husbands, and do you know why? Because it comes naturally to us!
We are lovers!!!
But while we may be good at showing our husbands unconditional love, we tend to show them very conditional respect.
And we usually don’t even realize we’re doing it!
But if we would listen to the deepest cry of a man’s heart, we would see that it’s not the same as ours.
What men are usually crying out for is respect.
So here are some practical ways to show respect to your husband:
1. Admire him, support him and be his biggest fan.
In Eggerichs’ book he talks about how a husband wants his wife to be like his cheerleader, like when she was first getting to know him.
Noticing when he does something worthy of praise, listening with admiration to his dreams, and just reassuring him of her approval.
Men feed off of positive affirmation and we need to put time and effort into doing this. Letting a man know he is admired and affirming him means everything to him!!
2. Squash the negative talk.
With men, what you focus on will flourish, so talk him up!!
Talk him up to your family, your friends, you children and to him. Verbal praise goes a LONG way!
And if there is an issue where you need help or advice, go to godly people for godly advice.
Nothing kills respect quicker than negative talk or talking about someone behind their back.
3. Be on his team.
If you are on his team, he will open up and draw close to you.
If you are always accusing him, he will pull away.
Your husband is an imperfect human being and makes lots of mistakes, no doubt.
Lust is a huge issue that men typically battle with. Even good men.
A lot of women make the mistake of using disrespect to try to get their man to open up to them. But disrespect makes a man shrink away and close up toward you. It sends the message that you’re not on his team.
For a long time, I made the mistake of poking, prodding and trying to get my husband to confess all kinds of things, and it always made him pull away and become defensive.
It wasn’t until I learned to put him in God’s hands, that I was able to find the peace, be on his team and encourage him to be a better man.
Just as hasty disrespect makes a man close up, wise and well-intentioned respect helps a man to open up.
If you want to dig deeper into this concept, and learn more practical techniques to show respect to your husband- or if you want to dive into a book that will help you both to be better in meeting eachothers’ needs- I would highly recommend reading: Love and Respect.
In closing, I pray that you would have the humility to implement these principals in your marriage.
That you would allow yourself to soften as a woman and wife, and allow God to bring your thinking into a more beautiful and bright place.
And that you would experience a plentiful harvest as a reward!!
“When a wife respects her husband she does not become a doormat, in fact, he starts rolling out the red carpet for her.”- Emmerson Eggerichs
Free Resource You Might Love!
Putting Your Man in God’s Hands
a FREE 5-day guide to help you:
Let go of control and become the woman you’ve always wanted to be.
Have the courage to believe God’s word above your feelings.
Find the blessing of doing less
Cultivate the power of Respect
Learn how to draw up appropriate boundaries in your marriage.
What to do when intimacy has ceased in your marriage
Pin for later!♥
The One Thing I Said That Won My Husband’s Heart Back for Keeps
I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth as I was about to speak words into the phone that felt so fake and unnatural to me.
We were not even married yet.
Yet, we were going on four years of the most bipolar and dysfunctional relationship you can imagine. I was exhausted.
I knew we loved each other deep down, but we could not make our relationship work.
I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth as I was about to speak words into the phone that felt so fake and unnatural to me.
We were not even married yet.
Yet, we were going on four years of the most bipolar and dysfunctional relationship you can imagine. I was exhausted.
I knew we loved each other deep down, but we could not make our relationship work. There had been too much lying, distrust, jealousy and brokenness that it felt impossible for us to ever be a normal, happy couple. (If this is you and you are NOT MARRIED yet, click here.)
I was in the habit of protecting myself from him, yet I still loved him so much.
To complicate things ever further, he was living in Georgia and I was back home in Massachusetts raising our son.
Complicated is an understatement.
But I had just finished reading the first three chapters of Emerson Eggerich’s book Love & Respect. Earlier that day it had jumped out at me at the bookstore, seemingly begging me to read it.
This must have been God’s hand at work.
As soon as I opened this book I was hooked.
For the first time in my life, I was reading about a man’s deepest needs, and how they were different than mine.
And in my attempt to show Derek all of these years that I LOVED him, I had completely ignored his enormous need to feel RESPECTED.
It was a simple concept, yet so foreign to me, and my head was spinning as I read example after example of women trying this new language and how it immediately changed their marriage.
I wasn’t sure I bought it, which is why I was clenching my eyes and teeth as I was about to try this experiment in my own relationship.
On a man who had been sending me mixed signals for over a year. Saying he loved me and yet not having the emotional or spiritual maturity to back it up with his actions.
It didn’t matter. I loved him and I could see forever in his eyes. I wanted to make things work.
So through my clenched teeth, I spoke these words into the phone:
“I just want to let you know that I respect your decision to stay there and work- and I trust your judgment.”
I was purposeful to use the word respect, and let him know I trusted him.
Silence.
And then came these words back through the phone:
“WOW!…..Well, your Christmas present just got a lot bigger!”
Ha! So cheesy I know, but I don’t think he even knew how to respond. He was literally scrambling for words!
I was shocked at how quickly I could tell this was unlike anything I had ever learned about relationships. This respect-talk thing WORKED!
For me, this began the journey of letting go.
I stopped trying to control so many things and I started just being the lady, and respecting my man.
Somehow it also helped me to start being more responsive and verbally express trust and gratitude in a way that speaks directly to his heart.
Derek and I have now been married for 11+ years.
He has grown to be a man who I admire, admonish and truly respect more than any other person I know. He loves the Lord, is a great husband and father and is a leader to other men.
Our reconciliation all those years ago, as well as our success and happiness as a couple today, is largely due to the principals of love and respect that God brought to my attention all of those years ago.
If you are struggling with intimacy, cohesion and communication with your man, I understand what that is like, I realize there could be layers upon layers of distrust and hurt.
But sometimes the simplest act of ladylike trust and respect for your husband can cut through layers of built-up walls and give you a fresh start in your marriage.
Try it!
2 Free Resources You Might Love!
Putting Your Man in God’s Hands
A FREE 5-DAY GUIDE TO HELP YOU:
Let go of control and become the woman you’ve always wanted to be.
Have the courage to believe God’s word above your feelings.
Find the blessing of doing less
Cultivate the power of Respect
Learn how to draw up appropriate boundaries in your marriage.
Give a Shape To Your Dream>>
FREE MINI-COURSE
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How To Show Your Son Respect and Why It WORKS!
A common occurrence began this morning in my home. I could hear my oldest two children bickering back and forth. Whenever I go to break up the argument and tell them to be kind to each other, here are the typical responses I get:
Younger Sister (in whiny voice):
"He's being mean to me!"
A common occurrence began this morning in my home. I could hear my oldest two children bickering back and forth. Whenever I go to break up the argument and tell them to be kind to each other, here are the typical responses I get:
Younger Sister (in whiny voice):
"He's being mean to me!"
"He said I'm being wimpy!"
"He called me a brat (or something worse)."
Older Brother (in irritated voice):
"She's being such a wimp!"
"She's so whiny!"
"You always favor her and yell at me!"
"You don't hear how she really is when you and Dad aren't around."
But for some reason a different approach came over me this morning. I've been reading Mother & Sons, the respect effect, by Emerson Eggerichs. This book has made me more conscientious of the way I speak to my son, using terms of respect and honor. Terms that speak to his masculine heart.
So I pulled his aside and said this instead:
"Buddy, God made girls to be very responsive and men to be leaders. It is this way with me and Daddy as well. Your sister will respond to your leadership. Even if she is being bratty, you take the lead as the man. Be thoughtful and kind and put her needs above your own, and I promise you that she will catch on to that. And she will bend over backward to be 10x as nice to you. That's how girls are made. God made us to be responsive to your leadership."
And something amazing happened. He nodded his head and said, "Okay, Mom."
Not the usual arguing or frustration that 'Mom just does NOT understand.'
And that's the kind of respect talk I am learning from this book. And it's sparking life and responsiveness in my son in a way I have never seen before.
...
Now here I am several weeks later and feeling a tug on my heart to finish this article. BECAUSE, this morning as I am doing my quiet time with God, my son behind me brushing his teeth and getting ready for soccer camp, I decided to open up another respect-talk conversation. I spun around in my chair, took him by the hands and said:
"First of all, I want you to know I'm proud of you. I'm proud of your consistency in waking up early and getting yourself prepared for camp all of these mornings so far. And I'm also very proud about your performance at camp. I can see that you're getting more muscular and fit!
Also, I know now that you are a teenager and with the oldest group at camp, that you are around kids who are swearing and probably doing all kinds of bad things to try to be cool. But I want you to know that I believe in you and the young man that God is creating you to be. A young man of honor."
He looked to the side and nodded and understood. And a second later right before he walked out the door, he spun around and told me some goofy story from camp with a big smile on his face. He was energized. And then he said a quick, "thank you" as he walked away. "Thank you"? From my 14-year old? Unsolicited? These words as a knee-jerk reaction (rather than having to think about his manners or what he should say), well, so so rare. And NOT a coincidence.
I believe my words spoke to his masculine heart. They sparked something, and he responded.
And for me, I am learning that this is something I must cultivate and learn, because it does not come naturally to me.
The loving part? Well, yes of course! Loving my family is my native tongue! But the respect talk? God is continuing to teach me.
And if you have a heart to see your son grow into an honorable young man, and would like to open up better communication between the two of you- I would highly recommend focusing on this approach!
Based on Vicki Courtney’s book “5 Conversations You Must Have with Your Son”.
A one-page sheet highlighting the main bullet points.
Mom of Boys
Oh my heart today. As I sat in that little wooden half-dome in the pay room, and watch T walking around with his "tool", trying to "fix things" for me.
Oh my heart is splattered. This responsibility of being a mom to this boy- all the boys; my heart throbs and I don't want to mess it up. I don't want to go into a numb funk and forget this important focus:
The heart of my boys, my husband included, loves to serve me!
They want to see me smile big and proud and say things like, "Great job!!" and "Thank you SO much!!" and "Wow, you are so strong and so good at that."
I know because as I say those things my two-year-old runs quickly to the next thing to "fix it" as fast as he can. And he says, "I fix for you, Mom." My. Heart.
I know because my oldest son tells me for almost
Oh my heart today. As I sat in that little wooden half-dome in the play room, and watch T walking around with his "tool", trying to "fix things" for me.
Oh my heart is splattered. This responsibility of being a mom to this boy- all the boys; my heart throbs and I don't want to mess it up. I don't want to go into a numb funk and forget this important focus:
The heart of my boys, my husband included, loves to serve me!
They want to see me smile big and proud and say things like, "Great job!!" and "Thank you SO much!!" and "Wow, you are so strong and so good at that."
I know because as I say those things my two-year-old runs quickly to the next thing to "fix it" as fast as he can. And he says, "I fix for you, Mom." My. Heart.
I know because my oldest son tells me for almost the first five minutes of every car-ride home from school about all of his amazing feats in gym class and recess. How many 3-point shots he made and how he made the winning play for the team. He wants me to know all of his victories and triumphs so I can say: "Wow, great job, buddy." And I know I need to work on it more with this one. How do I encourage his heart in the right ways? Toward good. God, I need your help here and I don't want to forget.
Yesterday was Valentine's Day and my husband has been telling me for 3 days straight that I can go spend $100 at the store, and buy myself a new purse. Everyday he reminds me (as if I would forget:)- and I was almost tempted to get annoyed at him for trying to use the same thing to rack up invisible points (they always want the points, you know). He kept saying the same kind of thing:
"I want you to have a nice bag that you really like. Something nice. Something you will love."
"I got it!!" I wanted to say.
Oh, shame on me. This is a boy, grown into a man with that same heart that just wants to please me. He takes pleasure in serving me and watching my reaction. Oh God, please give me the right reactions and responses! Help me to be good to these precious, precious hearts that you've called me to love and serve. Open my eyes to SEE their intentions and desires. Help me to not be too distracted, but to notice when and what I need to notice. And please, help me to be KIND.
Galatians 5:22-23
This is a personal writing project meant to express my feelings and thoughts, not to be used in place of God’s word. Anything good and true that I write is only because he has blessed and gifted me to do so, but I am a sinner, saved by grace, and am prone to weakness, bias, harshness and fault. I hope that my words can lead you to seek more of your own personal walk with Christ, because HE is only place you will find real TRUTH and satisfaction.