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How to Increase Intimacy in Your Marriage (Physical and Emotional)
There is nothing on earth like being fully loved.♥
It’s what we dream about from the time we are little girls!
Then we grow up and realize that reality is brutal.
Men are typically not delicate with women and things don’t work like they do in fairy tales. (Hang tight, we’re coming back to this!)
Now I’m almost 40 and most married couples I know don’t even touch eachother.
There is so much hurt and unmet expectation.
It is not even in them to put a hand lovingly on their spouse’s leg.
It is clear to me that we were created to do things much differently then we’re doing them.
So, if you are still flexible and optimistic enough to want BETTER for your own marriage, and if you are humble enough to look at things differently- you are in the PERFECT space to grow and increase intimacy in your marriage.
There is nothing on earth like being fully loved.♥
It’s what we dream about from the time we are little girls!
Then we grow up and realize that reality is brutal.
Men are typically not delicate with women and things don’t work like they do in fairy tales. (Hang tight, we’re coming back to this!)
Now I’m almost 40 and most married couples I know don’t even touch eachother.
There is so much hurt and unmet expectation.
It is not even in them to put a hand lovingly on their spouse’s leg.
It is clear to me that we were created to do things much differently then we’re doing them.
So, if you are still flexible and optimistic enough to want BETTER for your own marriage, and if you are humble enough to look at things differently- you are in the PERFECT space to grow and increase intimacy in your marriage.
These are the 3 best tips I know: ♥
1. Cultivate a deep and personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Use it to pray for your man.
Don’t gloss over this point. Please.
Your spirit is THE REAL YOU and will set the tone for everything else in your life, especially your marriage.
Most women make the mistake of thinking that their spouse is suppose to make them happy, and that he should be the source of feeling truly and deeply loved!
Not so, my dear!
I know from experience.
I’ve lived it both ways.
I use to be so reliant on my man to keep me happy and my well-being was always based on our current status. It was exhausting!
I never had real peace because I never knew when the next “incident” or “let down” would come.
That’s no way to live!
Relying on a flawed man to keep you happy all the time will only lead to a constant state of disappointment.
It wasn’t until I learned to put my man in God’s hands, and seek God for myself, that my heart and my love life really began to change.
There is NOTHING on earth like forming a personal relationship with Jesus through honest prayer and reading his word.
My relationship with God is stronger and more special than my relationship with my husband and that is the way it should be.
It keeps me safe and peaceful.
Prayer, and talking to Jesus about your marriage is a million times more powerful than complaining to your husband yet again.
When I stopped trying to control, and started praying for my husband is when everything began to change.
I found the freedom to enjoy my man!
Here is my favorite scripture to pray for my husband:
“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.”
I have watched God bring this scripture to life in my husband, before my very eyes!
Prayer works!
Seeking God works!
Don’t think of it as a side note- it is EVERYTHING!
2. Break the yucky cycle.
Here is the yucky cycle:
Without physical intimacy, he reacts by withholding emotional intimacy- without emotional intimacy she reacts by withholding physical intimacy.
Are you stuck in this yucky cycle?
You better believe that is exactly where the enemy wants to keep you!
Why? Because everyday you go without physical intimacy in your marriage, is a day closer to your marriage dying on the vine.
It’s true.
There is an unspoken language that takes place in the bedroom between a husband and wife that goes deeper than anything words could say.
And you better believe the enemy wants to keep you apart!
Stop thinking about sex in a worldly way. Take the time to heal your mind.
It is very hard for us to not keep score and hold back physical intimacy- but if we submit and surrender in this way, we will find it is the very thing that rekindles the love we are looking for from our spouse.
If you’ve not read the book Love and Respect, there is no other book I can recommend more highly for you marriage.
This book talks more about The Crazy Cycle and will help you find you bearings in your marriage.
3. Humility and Humor
Most people don’t know how to apologize.
But once you muster up the humility to do it once- a new freedom floods in!
It gets easier each time.
Do you know how to apologize?
Do you know how to laugh at yourself?
Marriage is the most helpful tool to humble us in these ways!
As women we need to just sometimes laugh at ourselves for the anger and frustrations that just bubbles over at times.
There are times that I look at my husband and feel so annoyed or angry, AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY!
We need to be able to laugh about these things, and about the kids being little buttheads, and about gray hairs- or else we will go mad!
Humility to not need to be perfect.
We often have this vision of who we want to be- financially, physically and just what we want our life to be like.
And let’s be honest, we are falling short.
And let’s be honest again- we want to blame our husband for this much of the time.
It’s a good thing to cry and laugh, and share those vulnerable moments with your husband. He loves you.
And the truth is that God has you in the very position you are in because he wants to soften and mature you. He wants you to let go of materialistic and selfish motives, and go to HIS feet for fulfillment.
Maybe he needs to mature you enough to handle with grace the very blessing you are hoping for!
Our culture has trained us to expect so much from each-other- rather than to give so much grace!
Let the culture in your home different. Let it be one of grace, humility and closeness- with lots of touchy-feely love! ♥
A COUPLE FREE RESOURCES YOU MIGHT LOVE! ♡
Putting Your Man in God’s Hands
A 5-DAY GUIDE TO HELP YOU:
Let go of control and become the woman you’ve always wanted to be.
Have the courage to believe God’s word above your feelings.
Find the blessing of doing less
Cultivate the power of Respect
Learn how to draw up appropriate boundaries in your marriage.
Healing Your Heart When Your Family-of-Origin was Broken by Divorce
Pin for later! ♡
A Letter To My Future Daughter-in-law
Please have patience with my son. I know that you see him as a strong man, and he loves showing off for you. This precious little boy was once my everything. My days were consumed with care for him. I watched him run around and play, and I kissed his boo-boos when he was hurt. I trained him to pick up his toys, share, be kind, use the potty and eat his vegetables (the best I could, anyway). There were days when I wanted to ship him off for someone else to deal with, and other days when my heart felt so much love for him I thought it would pop. I watched his little face asleep, and dreamed of who God made him to be. As he got older, I had to give him a little more freedom, let him make some mistakes and fight for him moor on my knees. I wanted him to love God more than anything and make the right decisions in light of that. I still want that- but he is human and a sinner just like we all are.
I'm writing this letter to you because I want you to know a few things:
Please have patience with my son. I know that you see him as a strong man, and he loves showing off for you. This precious little boy was once my everything. My days were consumed with care for him. I watched him run around and play, and I kissed his boo-boos when he was hurt. I trained him to pick up his toys, share, be kind, use the potty and eat his vegetables (the best I could, anyway). There were days when I wanted to ship him off for someone else to deal with, and other days when my heart felt so much love for him I thought it would pop. I watched his little face asleep, and dreamed of who God made him to be. As he got older, I had to give him a little more freedom, let him make some mistakes and fight for him moor on my knees. I wanted him to love God more than anything and make the right decisions in light of that. I still want that- but he is human and a sinner just like we all are.
I'm writing this letter to you because I want you to know a few things:
1. First off, I realize that you have your own unique story. You were a girl once and loved dearly and tenderly by some special people. And I'm sure you have been hurt as well. Living on this planet seems to do that, and I'm so sorry for whatever unfair, harsh treatment you have suffered at the hands of careless or mean people. I hope to be someone in your life who will love you, affirm you, and help add to your healing and wholeness.
2. I see you as just as valuable a person as my son- and my prayer is to view and love you both as one. God's design is that you ARE one.
3. I will be FOR your marriage. I learned in my own premarital counseling that when there is a problem in your marriage, it is best to seek counsel from godly, trustworthy friends OUTSIDE of your extended family. And for many reasons, I believe that is the best way. But I want you to know that we are here for THE BOTH OF YOU. And when hardships arise, we will do our best to offer sound, Christ-centered advice that is FOR your marriage. God is FOR your marriage and so are we. And we will also do our best to adhere to the boundaries your family puts in place.
4. Put up boundaries. The beginning of your marriage is a fragile and precious time of getting to know one another, and growing in Christ's love together as one. Keep your heart and ears open and aimed at Jesus. Limit distractions and people who pull you toward what is not good for your heart and marriage, Be patient, loving but firm in your convictions. I will respect your boundaries.
I pray we can grow in patience and love toward one another- and that those same traits will spread throughout our family as it grows. We love you sweet lady, and I'm SO happy you are the one God chose for our son.
All my love always,
Mom
This is a personal writing project meant to express my feelings and thoughts, not to be used in place of God’s word. Anything good and true that I write is only because he has blessed and gifted me to do so, but I am a sinner, saved by grace, and am prone to weakness, bias, harshness and fault. I hope that my words can lead you to seek more of your own personal walk with Christ, because HE is only place you will find real TRUTH and satisfaction.