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How To Treat Your Husband Like a Man (It's all about respect)
Respect is everything to a man.
I had no idea what this even meant until I picked up the book: Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires. The Respect He Desperately Needs.
God dropped this little book into my hands at the exact right moment and it literally saved my marriage.
It taught me that the same way that MY primary need in a relationship is love, my husband's primary need is respect.
I couldn’t believe what I was reading and I was amazed I had never noticed it before.
That the key to my man’s heart was respect (not love).
I couldn’t wait to try it out.
Respect is everything to a man.
I had no idea what this even meant until I picked up the book: Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires. The Respect He Desperately Needs.
God dropped this little book into my hands at the exact right moment and it literally saved my marriage.
It taught me that the same way that MY primary need in a relationship is love, my husband's primary need is respect.
I couldn’t believe what I was reading and I was amazed I had never noticed it before.
That the key to my man’s heart was respect (not love).
I couldn’t wait to try it out.
I can honestly say that our next phone call was THE turning point in our relationship.
I learned how to speak to my man in a way that built him up and showed admiration. I implemented the tips that the book suggested, and even though it felt so weird and unnatural at first- it changed the course of our entire marriage!
“So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” –Ephesians 5:33
Notice this scripture doesn’t tell wives to love their husbands, and do you know why? Because it comes naturally to us!
We are lovers!!!
But while we may be good at showing our husbands unconditional love, we tend to show them very conditional respect.
And we usually don’t even realize we’re doing it!
But if we would listen to the deepest cry of a man’s heart, we would see that it’s not the same as ours.
What men are usually crying out for is respect.
So here are some practical ways to show respect to your husband:
1. Admire him, support him and be his biggest fan.
In Eggerichs’ book he talks about how a husband wants his wife to be like his cheerleader, like when she was first getting to know him.
Noticing when he does something worthy of praise, listening with admiration to his dreams, and just reassuring him of her approval.
Men feed off of positive affirmation and we need to put time and effort into doing this. Letting a man know he is admired and affirming him means everything to him!!
2. Squash the negative talk.
With men, what you focus on will flourish, so talk him up!!
Talk him up to your family, your friends, you children and to him. Verbal praise goes a LONG way!
And if there is an issue where you need help or advice, go to godly people for godly advice.
Nothing kills respect quicker than negative talk or talking about someone behind their back.
3. Be on his team.
If you are on his team, he will open up and draw close to you.
If you are always accusing him, he will pull away.
Your husband is an imperfect human being and makes lots of mistakes, no doubt.
Lust is a huge issue that men typically battle with. Even good men.
A lot of women make the mistake of using disrespect to try to get their man to open up to them. But disrespect makes a man shrink away and close up toward you. It sends the message that you’re not on his team.
For a long time, I made the mistake of poking, prodding and trying to get my husband to confess all kinds of things, and it always made him pull away and become defensive.
It wasn’t until I learned to put him in God’s hands, that I was able to find the peace, be on his team and encourage him to be a better man.
Just as hasty disrespect makes a man close up, wise and well-intentioned respect helps a man to open up.
If you want to dig deeper into this concept, and learn more practical techniques to show respect to your husband- or if you want to dive into a book that will help you both to be better in meeting eachothers’ needs- I would highly recommend reading: Love and Respect.
In closing, I pray that you would have the humility to implement these principals in your marriage.
That you would allow yourself to soften as a woman and wife, and allow God to bring your thinking into a more beautiful and bright place.
And that you would experience a plentiful harvest as a reward!!
“When a wife respects her husband she does not become a doormat, in fact, he starts rolling out the red carpet for her.”- Emmerson Eggerichs
Free Resource You Might Love!
Putting Your Man in God’s Hands
a FREE 5-day guide to help you:
Let go of control and become the woman you’ve always wanted to be.
Have the courage to believe God’s word above your feelings.
Find the blessing of doing less
Cultivate the power of Respect
Learn how to draw up appropriate boundaries in your marriage.
What to do when intimacy has ceased in your marriage
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The One Thing I Said That Won My Husband’s Heart Back for Keeps
I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth as I was about to speak words into the phone that felt so fake and unnatural to me.
We were not even married yet.
Yet, we were going on four years of the most bipolar and dysfunctional relationship you can imagine. I was exhausted.
I knew we loved each other deep down, but we could not make our relationship work.
I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth as I was about to speak words into the phone that felt so fake and unnatural to me.
We were not even married yet.
Yet, we were going on four years of the most bipolar and dysfunctional relationship you can imagine. I was exhausted.
I knew we loved each other deep down, but we could not make our relationship work. There had been too much lying, distrust, jealousy and brokenness that it felt impossible for us to ever be a normal, happy couple. (If this is you and you are NOT MARRIED yet, click here.)
I was in the habit of protecting myself from him, yet I still loved him so much.
To complicate things ever further, he was living in Georgia and I was back home in Massachusetts raising our son.
Complicated is an understatement.
But I had just finished reading the first three chapters of Emerson Eggerich’s book Love & Respect. Earlier that day it had jumped out at me at the bookstore, seemingly begging me to read it.
This must have been God’s hand at work.
As soon as I opened this book I was hooked.
For the first time in my life, I was reading about a man’s deepest needs, and how they were different than mine.
And in my attempt to show Derek all of these years that I LOVED him, I had completely ignored his enormous need to feel RESPECTED.
It was a simple concept, yet so foreign to me, and my head was spinning as I read example after example of women trying this new language and how it immediately changed their marriage.
I wasn’t sure I bought it, which is why I was clenching my eyes and teeth as I was about to try this experiment in my own relationship.
On a man who had been sending me mixed signals for over a year. Saying he loved me and yet not having the emotional or spiritual maturity to back it up with his actions.
It didn’t matter. I loved him and I could see forever in his eyes. I wanted to make things work.
So through my clenched teeth, I spoke these words into the phone:
“I just want to let you know that I respect your decision to stay there and work- and I trust your judgment.”
I was purposeful to use the word respect, and let him know I trusted him.
Silence.
And then came these words back through the phone:
“WOW!…..Well, your Christmas present just got a lot bigger!”
Ha! So cheesy I know, but I don’t think he even knew how to respond. He was literally scrambling for words!
I was shocked at how quickly I could tell this was unlike anything I had ever learned about relationships. This respect-talk thing WORKED!
For me, this began the journey of letting go.
I stopped trying to control so many things and I started just being the lady, and respecting my man.
Somehow it also helped me to start being more responsive and verbally express trust and gratitude in a way that speaks directly to his heart.
Derek and I have now been married for 11+ years.
He has grown to be a man who I admire, admonish and truly respect more than any other person I know. He loves the Lord, is a great husband and father and is a leader to other men.
Our reconciliation all those years ago, as well as our success and happiness as a couple today, is largely due to the principals of love and respect that God brought to my attention all of those years ago.
If you are struggling with intimacy, cohesion and communication with your man, I understand what that is like, I realize there could be layers upon layers of distrust and hurt.
But sometimes the simplest act of ladylike trust and respect for your husband can cut through layers of built-up walls and give you a fresh start in your marriage.
Try it!
2 Free Resources You Might Love!
Putting Your Man in God’s Hands
A FREE 5-DAY GUIDE TO HELP YOU:
Let go of control and become the woman you’ve always wanted to be.
Have the courage to believe God’s word above your feelings.
Find the blessing of doing less
Cultivate the power of Respect
Learn how to draw up appropriate boundaries in your marriage.
Give a Shape To Your Dream>>
FREE MINI-COURSE
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Submission to Husband
I am mid getting-this-thing-right. I don't want to even pretend for a second that this is an area where I have arrived. I've not. Just recently, starting a new year and doing a fast of sorts, I am tying to bring this area of my life and marriage to the forefront, and move in the direction God would have me. It's time to start trying to truly be, "to my husband as unto God."
Not that I worship him, blindly heave all of my prayers and desires onto him, and fully surrender my life to him. No- but I submit. I place my abilities and willingness before him as unto the Lord.
This is a hard thing. And very unnatural for a lady like me. I am quite confident in my thoughts, opinions and ability to know what is best- especially when it comes to my children. Many Moms are and this can be a hard rub with husbands.
But again, it's evident in my own life that it's time for change. It's evident in the way that my oldest son shifts toward me and wants Mom to understand all the deep things and probably take up for him because that's what I've done a lot of. I need to be one with my man.
It's evident in the way that I just came upstairs
Note: In a day when so many people abuse authority, this article stirs some controversial relationship topics. Please read the heart.
I am mid getting-this-thing-right. I don't want to even pretend for a second that this is an area where I have arrived. I've not. Just recently, starting a new year and doing a fast of sorts, I am tying to bring this area of my life and marriage to the forefront, and move in the direction God would have me. It's time to start trying to truly be, "to my husband as unto God."
Not that I worship him, blindly heave all of my prayers and desires onto him, and fully surrender my life to him. No- but I submit. I place my abilities and willingness before him as unto the Lord.
This is a hard thing. And very unnatural for a lady like me. I am quite confident in my thoughts, opinions and ability to know what is best- especially when it comes to my children. Many Moms are and this can be a hard rub with husbands.
But again, it's evident in my own life that it's time for change. It's evident in the way that my oldest son shifts toward me and wants Mom to understand all the deep things and probably take up for him because that's what I've done a lot of. I need to be one with my man.
It's evident in the way that I just came upstairs to pray and journal and what is heaviest on my heart is the way that he's downstairs talking to that same son. I'm so angry because I feel that he is dumping all of his own frustrations and insecurities on that child and I hate, hate, hate it. And it makes me want to storm downstairs and throw my finger in his face and say all sorts of mean things. He's bullying him and I'm sure of it.
But instead, I push my face to the floor and say all of the hard, angry things to God. I tell him how it's killing me. I tell him my deepest parts like I have 100 times and know that it is only, ONLY HIM, who will ever, EVER fully and completely understand me. Me and all of these things. He knows, he knows. And it ends downstairs the scolding words- and it didn't get out of hand and my son comes upstairs seemingly fine. And if some harsh words pierced and cut his soul somehow then God sees it- and God will set everything right, and justice will occur in God's time and order. His order. It was what I was explaining to my son earlier in the day.
That the people in authority over us will not always get it right. In fact, they will get it dead wrong a lot of times. Our job is still to submit to those authorities and the order of things. It feels so backward in this day and in this culture. But God sees and knows.
And I will continue to pray that things will be done and seen and brought to light and changed in God's time, not mine.
But tonight, I will go on that dinner date with my husband, NOT having sucked oxygen out of my marriage. Allowing for space for my husband's mistakes, and for God to teach and lead him, not me. And he is making me more beautiful and more mature.
End note: My husband and I have talked to our son about respectfully making an appeal. If he feels something we have said or done was very wrong or unfair- he is welcome to come into our room at night and state his "appeal" kindly and respectfully. We need obedience in the moment from him, but we must leave room for an appeal as well, if something is still weighing on him late into the day. This is something I am trying to practice more of in my own marriage as well- many times it is in cooler and quieter times that my husband is more open to respectfully hear about something I strongly disagree with, rather than lashing out in the moment.
Further, when we are talking to our children about submitting to authority even when they "get it wrong", we also teach them appropriate boundaries, dangers, and when submission is not okay. I hope this goes without saying, but just in case I feel the need to add this note.
This is a personal writing project meant to express my feelings and thoughts, not to be used in place of God’s word. Anything good and true that I write is only because he has blessed and gifted me to do so, but I am a sinner, saved by grace, and am prone to weakness, bias, harshness and fault. I hope that my words can lead you to seek more of your own personal walk with Christ, because HE is only place you will find real TRUTH and satisfaction.