No Room for BS

I listen to a mom next to me at gymnastics, as she goes on and on about herself; her kids, her family endeavors, all of the activities her children are involved in, which of her children had acid reflux, which cousins had birthday parties this past month. I'm not even part of the conversation and I know more about this woman in 5 minutes than I know about some of my relatives. Every time one of the other two women in the conversation chimed in with something to share, this woman brought it back around to herself. Truth? I caught onto to this about her the first week of gymnastics when she began a conversation with me. It took all of 30 seconds to realize that her interest was only a listening ear to vent and boast to, and preferably an admiring and sympathetic one. Nope. Not me. Something about having two kids under three right now has pushed me into a zone where I don't have much patience for BS. My time and energy are spread very thin right now, and I refuse to give more away to things that are unimportant or frivolous (even if other people think they are the most important things on earth.)

This is getting me in trouble with some people in my life right now. With many people I have always been the nice, accommodating one. The one who will meet you on your turf, come at least 70% of the way, sometimes even closer to 90. I listen, I sympathize, I figure out how you do things and try to make it easy on you. I'm slipping away from this and I fear I have some people thinking I don't like them anymore. It's not that. I simply don't have time/energy/desire anymore to do and be who I think you want me to be. And I pray that I'm wrong. I pray that you want me to be me. 

Relief in Submission

I was just feeling so angry over social media... again. I went on for just a few minutes, the first time in a while. Flitted around. Left feeling more hollow, more angry, more wanting to say MY piece than before. More confused and scattered and these emotions- this devastation for the plight of things, the division. Everyone sticking their finger in the air and shouting their opinion. The leadership- the people that many people are following, flaunting their own feelings and opinions about Christianity, and the President, and the latest disaster, and I can't stomach all of this narcissism. I feel angry and sick all in one stroke. I feel a part of it, wanting to get in the middle and push and shove my weight around as well. But more than that I want to flee. I want to run away from it all and go bury my head under a blanket somewhere. Stay just with Jesus. But, Lord, will I be a naive little chicken in a land of wolves? Shouldn't I know what is going on here? Shouldn't I be on the pulse too? Isn't this relevence?

No.

And at the peak of confusion and trying to pray, mind and heart still spinning out, it hits me. Submission. This is the answer. Submission to Christ. The place where I can rest and be the student and look at the one true teacher. Submission to him. I will orient my gaze, my heart, my all to the one true righteous, holy and GOOD. The only one. It's so simple. But in submission I can rest. In submission I can not have answers and it is okay. Submission immediately removes me and all of the others from the center and the need to perform because people are watching. I can sit and watch him instead. I don't have to be the one. He is the ONE. 

Jesus, help me to make much of YOU, in a world that is making much of everything else, everyone else, and themselves. Y-o-u. 

Phil 2:3

James 3: 14-15