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How to Increase Intimacy in Your Marriage (Physical and Emotional)
There is nothing on earth like being fully loved.♥
It’s what we dream about from the time we are little girls!
Then we grow up and realize that reality is brutal.
Men are typically not delicate with women and things don’t work like they do in fairy tales. (Hang tight, we’re coming back to this!)
Now I’m almost 40 and most married couples I know don’t even touch eachother.
There is so much hurt and unmet expectation.
It is not even in them to put a hand lovingly on their spouse’s leg.
It is clear to me that we were created to do things much differently then we’re doing them.
So, if you are still flexible and optimistic enough to want BETTER for your own marriage, and if you are humble enough to look at things differently- you are in the PERFECT space to grow and increase intimacy in your marriage.
There is nothing on earth like being fully loved.♥
It’s what we dream about from the time we are little girls!
Then we grow up and realize that reality is brutal.
Men are typically not delicate with women and things don’t work like they do in fairy tales. (Hang tight, we’re coming back to this!)
Now I’m almost 40 and most married couples I know don’t even touch eachother.
There is so much hurt and unmet expectation.
It is not even in them to put a hand lovingly on their spouse’s leg.
It is clear to me that we were created to do things much differently then we’re doing them.
So, if you are still flexible and optimistic enough to want BETTER for your own marriage, and if you are humble enough to look at things differently- you are in the PERFECT space to grow and increase intimacy in your marriage.
These are the 3 best tips I know: ♥
1. Cultivate a deep and personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Use it to pray for your man.
Don’t gloss over this point. Please.
Your spirit is THE REAL YOU and will set the tone for everything else in your life, especially your marriage.
Most women make the mistake of thinking that their spouse is suppose to make them happy, and that he should be the source of feeling truly and deeply loved!
Not so, my dear!
I know from experience.
I’ve lived it both ways.
I use to be so reliant on my man to keep me happy and my well-being was always based on our current status. It was exhausting!
I never had real peace because I never knew when the next “incident” or “let down” would come.
That’s no way to live!
Relying on a flawed man to keep you happy all the time will only lead to a constant state of disappointment.
It wasn’t until I learned to put my man in God’s hands, and seek God for myself, that my heart and my love life really began to change.
There is NOTHING on earth like forming a personal relationship with Jesus through honest prayer and reading his word.
My relationship with God is stronger and more special than my relationship with my husband and that is the way it should be.
It keeps me safe and peaceful.
Prayer, and talking to Jesus about your marriage is a million times more powerful than complaining to your husband yet again.
When I stopped trying to control, and started praying for my husband is when everything began to change.
I found the freedom to enjoy my man!
Here is my favorite scripture to pray for my husband:
“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.”
I have watched God bring this scripture to life in my husband, before my very eyes!
Prayer works!
Seeking God works!
Don’t think of it as a side note- it is EVERYTHING!
2. Break the yucky cycle.
Here is the yucky cycle:
Without physical intimacy, he reacts by withholding emotional intimacy- without emotional intimacy she reacts by withholding physical intimacy.
Are you stuck in this yucky cycle?
You better believe that is exactly where the enemy wants to keep you!
Why? Because everyday you go without physical intimacy in your marriage, is a day closer to your marriage dying on the vine.
It’s true.
There is an unspoken language that takes place in the bedroom between a husband and wife that goes deeper than anything words could say.
And you better believe the enemy wants to keep you apart!
Stop thinking about sex in a worldly way. Take the time to heal your mind.
It is very hard for us to not keep score and hold back physical intimacy- but if we submit and surrender in this way, we will find it is the very thing that rekindles the love we are looking for from our spouse.
If you’ve not read the book Love and Respect, there is no other book I can recommend more highly for you marriage.
This book talks more about The Crazy Cycle and will help you find you bearings in your marriage.
3. Humility and Humor
Most people don’t know how to apologize.
But once you muster up the humility to do it once- a new freedom floods in!
It gets easier each time.
Do you know how to apologize?
Do you know how to laugh at yourself?
Marriage is the most helpful tool to humble us in these ways!
As women we need to just sometimes laugh at ourselves for the anger and frustrations that just bubbles over at times.
There are times that I look at my husband and feel so annoyed or angry, AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY!
We need to be able to laugh about these things, and about the kids being little buttheads, and about gray hairs- or else we will go mad!
Humility to not need to be perfect.
We often have this vision of who we want to be- financially, physically and just what we want our life to be like.
And let’s be honest, we are falling short.
And let’s be honest again- we want to blame our husband for this much of the time.
It’s a good thing to cry and laugh, and share those vulnerable moments with your husband. He loves you.
And the truth is that God has you in the very position you are in because he wants to soften and mature you. He wants you to let go of materialistic and selfish motives, and go to HIS feet for fulfillment.
Maybe he needs to mature you enough to handle with grace the very blessing you are hoping for!
Our culture has trained us to expect so much from each-other- rather than to give so much grace!
Let the culture in your home different. Let it be one of grace, humility and closeness- with lots of touchy-feely love! ♥
A COUPLE FREE RESOURCES YOU MIGHT LOVE! ♡
Putting Your Man in God’s Hands
A 5-DAY GUIDE TO HELP YOU:
Let go of control and become the woman you’ve always wanted to be.
Have the courage to believe God’s word above your feelings.
Find the blessing of doing less
Cultivate the power of Respect
Learn how to draw up appropriate boundaries in your marriage.
Healing Your Heart When Your Family-of-Origin was Broken by Divorce
Pin for later! ♡
What to do when intimacy has ceased in your marriage
This is a very difficult place to be.
Have you ever seen the kid's movie Madagascar?
If so, you'll remember that from the time the four main characters (Marty, Melvin, Gloria & Alex) get onto the island, they don't eat anything. Nothing. Not until the very end of the movie when the shifty penguins introduce them to sushi, do they finally fill their hunger.
This is a very difficult place to be.
Have you ever seen the kid's movie Madagascar?
If so, you'll remember that from the time the four main characters (Marty, Melvin, Gloria & Alex) get onto the island, they don't eat anything.
Nothing.
Not until the very end of the movie when the shifty penguins introduce them to sushi, do they finally fill their hunger.
Every time I watch that movie, I am so bothered the entire time by the fact that they haven't eaten anything, I can hardly enjoy the movie.
There is just an uneasy undercurrent in my mind, because, THEY NEED TO EAT SOMETHING! (It must either be the mother, or the Italian in me).
I have this same feeling when I'm speaking to a woman who has told me that she and her husband are not (or are very rarely) being intimate.
She may have moved on to talk about other things, but my mind is stuck in one place.
Even if she starts telling me about other good things that are going on in her life, there is a siren going off in the back of my mind: DANGER, DANGER, NO SEX, DANGER.
So I often try to gently bring the conversation back around, because this is my thing and I genuinely want to help.
But it's a touchy subject, and I'm often shrugged off, I think for three reasons:
1. It's too personal
2. Women often don't realize what a big deal this is.
3. They dread the thought of facing up to the problems, or changing in that area.
I suspect it's usually a little bit of each.
If you are a woman struggling in this area, I would be so honored if you would allow me the privilege of speaking to your heart for just a moment.
First of all, I want to recognize your heart and who you are.
I don't know you, but I know that marriage advice can feel so much like it ignores your unique situation and the ways you feel mistreated.
If you are not giving yourself sexually to your husband- chances are it's because you feel that your own needs have gone completely overlooked for a long time.
You can tell through your husband's actions and words that he does not really care about your heart.
He has not cherished you, tried to pursue you, has been careless and maybe even downright mean to you.
And pulling back from a man who has not shown true care is about the most natural thing in the world. I understand just where you are coming from!
But I'm going to take a bet on you.
If you are still reading this, I am going to bet that you are a woman after genuine change and healing. Even if the idea scares you, the fact that you're reading this article tells me that you are not just content with this separation from your husband. You want more.
And I'm praying that as you continue reading this, your heart would be flooded with an unknown compassion and understanding about your husband.
I pray that the humblest part of yourself will grasp on to the truths you need to hear- because I really do believe that God wants to heal your heart and marriage, and I'm really hoping you will allow it to happen.
What is sex to a man?
For a man, sex is the primary way he feels accepted and expresses intimacy.
The same way that for most of us women, acceptance and intimacy are felt through good communication, feeling loved and understood- for men, that comes through sex.
If your husband were not speaking to you AT ALL, you would probably completely shut down.
If you and your husband are not being intimate, that is why he has completely shut down to you.
Maybe he is there, day in and day out, doing the physical acts of commitment, but his heart is far away.
(If you are physically unable to be intimate with your husband, please read this.)
If your husband were not speaking to you AT ALL, it might take a little while, but something would eventually spark that part of you that was being ignored: a romance novel, romance movies, someone who you really feel understands you- all of these are unhealthy alternatives to your husband.
Maybe you are there already.
If there is no intimacy happening with your husband, there is a good chance he has found another outlet in masturbation and maybe pornography as well.
That is just the truth- and these things, of course, only divide you further.
Neither of you is winning.
But here is the question that will make all of the difference in the world.
The question that 9 out of 10 times will determine whether your marriage will ultimately thrive or fail.
Are YOU willing to humble yourself?
Are you willing to go to God with your sins and shortcomings, stop fighting against your husband with the huge case you have built against him- turn on your heels and head in a different direction.
The high road where you stand with God and let him do the fighting in your marriage for you.
That might sound overly-simple, but as someone who has counseled many women in relationships over the years, I can tell you that:
Humility is ALWAYS the make or break factor.
Will you allow yourself to fall on the rock and be shattered, as the scripture says, or will you continue to try to push through in your own strength, ignore what God says to you, and ultimately be crushed?
I know this is a harsh truth, but we need to speak the truth to each other in love! And this is it, girl.
As a sister in Christ I want to challenge you to see the bigger picture: The enemy is after your marriage (all of ours!).
More than any other relationship on the planet, marriage can paint the best and most beautiful picture of sacrificial, Christ-like love. And your marriage being whole and healed would not only mean your home and children thriving-
you have no idea what a ray of light a thriving marriage shoots out into the world for God's glory.
Not only that, but a thriving marriage that has survived through hardship is THE MOST gratifying and rewarding earthly blessing!
But the beginning of a healthy marriage is a healthy heart.
And healing a broken marriage requires 3 steps on your part:
1. You need to begin acting respectfully toward your husband.
If you're not even sure what that looks like or why that's important, start here.
2. You need to start cultivating DEEP intimacy with God.
This will be the only thing that saves you.
This needs to be your outlet!
The place you release all of your hurts and feelings. The place to "tell on your husband", and leverage the power of prayer to ask God to begin to change both you and your husband's hearts.
Prayer is your ONLY weapon here. But thank God it is THE most powerful thing on the planet.
I can attest to the power of prayer in my own life and marriage, and it has worked miracles! It is why I created this free resource!
3. Commit to resume intimacy with your husband.
There is just a language that is spoken between a man and woman in intimacy, that can not be spoken any other way. Period.
It has the power to heal and change your marriage from the roots like nothing else!
Don’t just be willing to stay in a sexless marriage.
What the enemy intended for evil for your marriage, God can use for good.
Oh, please believe this today about your own story. Yours.
It can be made into something you can't even imagine now!
All of the pain, all of the hurt, all of the brokenness caused to you by your husband (unintentionally), and by others (maybe very intentionally)-
all of that brokenness you carry around inside of you from your past, that nobody else in the world understands.
God sees you and he knows!
And he is calling you close to himself. And I believe that somewhere deep inside, you know it!
Don't let go, don't lose heart.
Can you stick around for a little bit and take a look at some things I believe can help you as you start on this new path in your marriage?
A couple Free resources you might love! ♡
Putting Your Man in God’s Hands
A 5-day guide to help you:
Let go of control and become the woman you’ve always wanted to be.
Have the courage to believe God’s word above your feelings.
Find the blessing of doing less
Cultivate the power of Respect
Learn how to draw up appropriate boundaries in your marriage.
Healing Your Heart When Your Family-of-origin Was Broken by Divorce
Pin for later!♡
How To Win Your Husband's Heart Back & Have A Fresh Start In Your Marriage
How would it feel to have a fresh start in your marriage?
A blank canvas! Can you even imagine it?
Some of us have forgotten that deep longing we use to have for a deep and beautiful love story.
The magic is gone and all that is left is disappointment.
Pent-up frustrations and anger win each day as the needle on the “love-meter” moves further and further into the negative. Sometimes it has been stuck in the negative for so long that things just feel hopeless.
I remember living that way and it is EXHAUSTING.
But during some of the hardest and messiest times, God started to open my eyes, and strip away everything that I thought I knew about my relationship with my man.
And the things that He showed me ushered in an entirely fresh start for us!
How would it feel to have a fresh start in your marriage?
A blank canvas! Can you even imagine it?
Some of us have forgotten that deep longing we use to have for a deep and beautiful love story.
The magic is gone and all that is left is disappointment.
Pent-up frustrations and anger win each day as the needle on the “love-meter” moves further and further into the negative. Sometimes it has been stuck in the negative for so long that things just feel hopeless.
I remember living that way and it is EXHAUSTING.
But during some of the hardest and messiest times, God started to open my eyes, and strip away everything that I thought I knew about my relationship with my man.
And the things that He showed me ushered in an entirely fresh start for us!
So I am here to tell you that you can start over- and to help you find the winning game plan for your new start!
But first I want to tell you this:
When I am counseling a woman, nothing spells trouble more than if she is telling me all of the hurtful and awful thing her spouse does, but refuses to talk about her own mistakes or what she could be doing better.
Humility.
In a nutshell, I believe that humility is the key ingredient to a healthy marriage that will last.
And it often only takes ONE spouse to focus on what they can be doing better, rather than on what their spouse should be doing better. The willingness to try something better and wiser, and patiently wait for a change.
(Let me pause right here and say that I AM not talking about instances of abuse. If you are in an abusive relationship please read this disclaimer.)
Right now, I’m calling on you to step up and be the bigger person in your marriage.
I’m calling on you, to ask God for help.
And from my own experience of a MIRACULOUS transformation in my own relationship, and from counseling dozens of women, here is what I believe is your winning game plan:
1. Let the natural attraction take back over. Forget the rest.
Chances are good that your relationship with your husband has become complicated.
All of the times he has let you down, caused you pain, or not prioritized the right thing is like another knot in a messy ball of string. And by now that ball of string has become so twisted and knotted, it seems impossible to untangle or unwind.
He knows this. He knows he has let you down beyond repair and undoing that knot feels impossible.
Many women hold this over their husband’s head and make him feel as though he is responsible for un-doing the knot, rebuilding trust and making things right. This drains the life right out of him and makes him feel like he starts every day in the negative- like a HUGE debt hanging over his head.
Men thrive on feeling like a hero to their woman- THAT is what gives him energy.
And when he feels like a failure, he will lose the motivation to rise up and prove himself, because he knows that you DO NOT see him as a hero, but only as someone who has let you down and hurt you.
The question is no longer about whether or not he deserves this, and what he did- but my question to you now is: do you want your marriage to be good, and do you want it to last?
If so, you need to give him a clean slate. You must cut up that ball of string and throw it away. Only you can do this because you are the one who is holding it.
(If this all sounds impossible, please hold on until step 2.)
But, right now I want to ask you:
Do you first remember what attracted you to your husband?
How maybe you couldn’t keep your hands off each other when you were first falling in love?
I’ve heard it said that the enemy does everything he can do get a couple to be intimate before they are married, and then everything he can to keep them apart after they are married.
It’s so true!
You better believe that they enemy is doing everything in his power to turn you and your husband away from eachother and keep you from being intimate.
(To see this concept illustrated better, watch the movie War Room! It is a beautiful and inspiring story of a woman who finally realizes she is fighting the enemy in her marriage, not her husband.)
So what I’m asking you to do is this:
Cut that ball of string up and throw it away!!!!!!!!!
Instead of making your husband “earn” your attraction, your love and your trust- just start giving those things to him freely on a daily basis.
Ask God for the strength to give your husband a clean slate even tonight when he walks through the door.
See him through the eyes of a woman who is madly in love with him.
Laugh with him, flirt with him- keep it light. Make love to him, then kiss him, thank him, smile at him and fall asleep.
This might sound silly but sometimes, while my husband is at work, I like to go into his closet, stick my face into all of his shirts and just breathe in his scent. I know that’s ridiculous, but I LOVE how my man smells. It is the same scent as back when we were initially falling in love and it is always something about him that just DOES IT for me! It cuts through all of the complicated thoughts, and just makes me feel like a woman in love with her man.
And I want my marriage to be simple, natural and playful in that way: just a woman in love with her man.
Do you have the courage to let go of all of the score cards and everything else and just be a woman in love with her man?
2. Replace whatever is sitting on the thrown of your heart with JESUS♥️
Jesus is the only man worthy to sit on the throne of your heart.
And when you are not spending time DAILY with him, something or someone else (or multiple somethings or someones) will become your God; your source of security, sustenance and happiness.
Maybe you don’t realize that you have made your spouse responsible for your happiness, instead of Christ.
This is one of the easiest and most common mistakes I see in marriages.
If this resonates with you, I have created a wonderful free resource called: Putting Your Man In God’s Hands, that I think will help you tremendously!
The bottom line is that rather than trying to control your man, it is TIME to release him into God’s hands, pray for him fervently, and watch God be the one to transform his HEART (rather than just his behavior.
Here is a scripture I prayed over my husband for years:
“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith--that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.”- Ephesians 3:14-19
Prayer is SO powerful that I have literally watched these specific transformations in my husband take place before my eyes:
My husband’s spirit, mind and body have strengthened tremendously.
His reputation, position and favor with people has increased every year.
He is able to interact with other people based in love and care for the right things, rather than greed, shallowness, pride or perversion like his old self.
And lastly, he, more than ANYONE I know, can see the bigger picture and see other people’s intentions for what they are. I feel God has truly helped him to comprehend “with all the saints, what is the breadth and length and height and depth”- and is increasingly filling him “with the fullness of God.”
Prayer works better than anything else we could ever do for our husband.
If you are new to this, this a great book to help you pray for your man!
Let your daily time with Jesus be your primary place to vent, repent, say the deepest things of your heart, release all of your feelings and anger, and WATCH the transformation in your heart and marriage that takes place!
3. Be the lady.
It is so simple, and yet we try to be so much more.
What a relief for those of us who are use to always doing more, always trying harder and always trying to figure everything else.
You are not called to be the husband, the man, the leader and the one who figures everything out.
All you have to do is be the lady.
It’s simpler, lighter and more freeing than you can imagine.
But it is a learned art, for sure.
The best way we can begin to be the lady of our home is to start showing respect to our man verbally and with our actions. Nothing will make him want to step up as the man more than this.
But again, this does not come naturally, so if you are not sure where to start please check out this article here!
Respect was the biggest catalyst in shifting my own relationship.
Whenever it feels like your marriage is struggling or not where it should be, these three steps are an excellent reset button to get your heart, your mind and your marriage back on the right track.
Do them purposefully and consistently, and WATCH how it completely changes the nature of your marriage!!
Two Free things You Might Love!
Putting Your Man in God’s Hands
A 5-DAY GUIDE TO HELP YOU
Let go of control and become the woman you’ve always wanted to be.
Have the courage to believe God’s word above your feelings.
Find the blessing of doing less
Cultivate the power of Respect
Learn how to draw up appropriate boundaries in your marriage.
How To Start Your Dream Business
FREE COURSE!
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This is a personal writing project meant to express my feelings and thoughts, not to be used in place of God’s word. Anything good and true that I write is only because he has blessed and gifted me to do so, but I am a sinner, saved by grace, and am prone to weakness, bias, harshness and fault. I hope that my words can lead you to seek more of your own personal walk with Christ, because HE is only place you will find real TRUTH and satisfaction.